Today I encountered a well known and feared bundle of experiences that are not easy for me to deal with. And me writing about it is a part of the process of how to deal with pain.
(music to listen to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfrgynhFkc0)
We all have experienced some form of pain. It is inevitable when living a human life, be it physically or emotionally. We all have our triggers. And I remember when I started this journey, I encountered so many triggers that bothered me all day long and made my experience of life rather sour. A wise person told me that there is a simple, good technique to use in order to help yourself understand yourself, explain the trigger to yourself and see the emotions attached to the trigger. One eventually finds the source. Well, I did that, a lot, and I have found many sources and they eventually are often around the same core issues: self worth, shame, isolation and neglection. And every time I write something that I think it makes sense, i will eventually find myself sometime later struggling with the exact issue I just talked about and thought I could advise people about. But honestly, evertime this happens, I tend to not give advise at all, because life is too complex and situations so various as are our perceptions, that I could not potentially really comprehend someone's experience and hence, can I really give an advise as I do not know their view? So yeah, that is a part of self doubt. But that was not the trigger of the day.
There is some wicked spirits out there that give us any fake right to be mean, angry, sabotaging, hating, judging. And one of them is jealousy. I have to admit, there are various situations in which I feel jealous. And even if I don't want to and I tell myself every reason as to why things are good the way they are and whatnot, the spirit keeps nagging. It is a tough one and I have to be brutal with myself, because do I give in, it will only lead to separation, more hate, eventually self hate and probably a sour experience of life. But so there is this feeling. My guts hurt, my stomach is turning, my brain is racing. It brings up a humongous mount of ideas, concepts, plans of executions and reasonings. 'It is for the betterment of the world', 'Love it', 'Talk about it', 'leave'. These the mental arguments about the trigger. Emotional, well I go from anger to denial, sadness to separation and so on. I suffer, I tell myself. I go in circles. And the best I can do is try to write it down in order to understand or comprehend what I am dealing with. Life is about this. It is about these tough moments where we eventually learn something. We come to comprehend life, which is in its essence about letting go. Another thought, yes, just let it go, embrace it. But when there is pain, nagging pain, then there is a trigger that needs attention. And while the attention obviously goes there, we often have not yet come to grab the right tools to deal with them. Because yes, attention is good, but the right form. So yes, I should take time and listen, feel, listen, feel, and eventually move on, but how do we know when we are heading into the right direction? Do I address it or would I just make it worse by talking about it? Do I suppress it or is that just where it actually becomes to such a gigantic trigger, because it gets suppressed? Well, again, a wise man once said, do, what your heart tells you to do and not your head. Do the hangman. Do what the ego wouldn't do. Beat it. And while it is a very advancing move to do, it is one that creates such pain in the brain and literally makes the body shake as every pore of the body seems to disagree with the action. It is, because it is a direct way to jump out of the circle. No need to be right. No need to get validation. No need to play the poor me. Love. Simply love, don't include your needs or ideas into it, as unconditional love holds no boundaries.
So here am I sitting, wondering still of how to deal with it. What would be the most 'anti-me' move I could do? Well, let the emotions be felt and still hold love in my heart. I will not get my way, but I can still love while it hurts. I can go do what is the hardest for me to do right now, not talk, not explain, simply love the moment, let the moment be, let the parties involved be. Cry. I would like to cry though. If this a good way to deal with it, I don't know. I would love to talk about it, but I have done that before and it did not much good. I maybe do the wrong thing because I write about it and give it attention, maybe. Hesitation.
You see, it really is not that easy, but over time, experiences teach an individual and we get better in coping with life, I hope. I think that is what wisdom is. We have been there before and know how it might go. The burn is still there. The heartbeat, the pain in the stomach. I hate it, but I have to learn to love it. Loving in a way that I don't need it to do anything, go anywhere. It just wants to be felt I guess. And you know, maybe it is a good thing it is here, so I can learn again to deal with it. And maybe one day, I will just have a realization from the bottom of my being, that nothing else has to be done. That it is all just perfect as it is and I know that by then, the circumstance will disappear and so might the trigger. And a lesson is learnt. And while I cannot teach people about how to deal with their lessons, I can talk about my lessons and how I learnt from them and maybe that can be of help. And would that be of help to someone, how could I ever hate a lesson, now that I know and see the beauty that it brought to the world? Nothing really seems as it is and maybe I can now turn it into love, see the beauty of it and feel the joy that someone got help through my suffering, that something got cleared. And then, I might find peace within me and the trigger becomes something I can integrate and make a part of me. If we truly want to live in unity, I guess this is a step towards it. Live outside of the separation and isolation, and come to learn to love, respect, see the good in life's way of having its way.
I can not say it is always possible nor that I can always see that, no. Life is hard at times and can make it really hard to see it like this. But once you overcome a pain, you will have learnt something about yourself, life, about the universe. I think I can guarantee that. One just has to be willing to see it I guess.
Let me know what you think of it.