Being the kind of person I am, I find it really hard to connect with people. It’s even harder for me to fall in love. 

Then he came along and I loved him. With every breath in me, I did. He was like magic to me, he was like fire and drew out my passion. He encouraged me and helped me grow by making me believe enough in myself. 
Yet his love was so unfair. I had to let go. 

We were so close but it felt like I knew nothing about him, the way he was with me was a made up version of himself. When I confronted him about it, he said, “Don’t think about it, don’t let people poison your mind. Love the man you know me to be.” 

But who is he? 

He was my best friend and he always called me his favorite person and now we’re like strangers. Sharing reels and memes on social media with hardly any conversations. 

The man I fell for is gone, the part of me that loved him to pieces is faded. Although, we’re on good terms I can’t help but feel hate for him for the sort of pain he cost me. 
Yet my happiest memories are the cozy moments in his room singing songs off key to each other pretending I’m his fan girl. 

It’s kind of sad I don’t have that with anyone anymore. I probably never would. 
Those tireless rants, hopping from one topic to the other with scattered thoughts while I listened, I miss it. I miss being weird and carefree with him. 

I miss a lot of those things and the big Dee but no… I do not miss him. I love that he was able to make me love that way and feel soft and at ease. 

I have no real friends, no one to see me beneath this mask. Just people thinking they know who I am off speculations or feeling super ‘intelligent’. 

I’m like water, how can you know me? I still discover new stuff about myself, I still figure out how deep my depth is. 
How can you know me when I hardly leave my house and almost everything I post is a facade?

The one who got to know me… the real me, was the one who hurt me. Although, I’m over it, I’m yet to forgive and forget. 

All for the selfish reason that now, I’m so lonely no one to talk to or bond with. Working is a good distraction, fixated on my laptop screen. Weekends, I get my skateboard and go to skate. 

Skate to take my mind off all my worries. Just cruise in the bowl, up and down the ramp till it’s time to go home with my sneaky link. 
Ah… the sneaky link… a story for another day. 

Shattering to a million pieces, but I’m still holding up. Drowning in my tears because I’m just so out of place and I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. 

The one place I found my solace, the one person I called home… he left me homeless. 
People suck, but animals don’t.

 
I got my little girl… sweet little rascal she was. I tended to and cared for her and I loved her with all my heart and I still do and I’m so sad I feel like I failed her. She got a disease and died. The vet I took her to for a year never did a blood test so I never knew just how sick till she started to lose weight and draw strained breaths. I changed clinic and we found out just how serious it was. 
I loved her for three years and she brought me so much joy, she taught me so much and I miss her so dearly. She passed on her birthday, 3rd of April. I am yet to spread the ashes because I just love her being so close to me still. 

I am so heartbroken. But I’m glad she’s no longer in pain. I want to sniff her doggy smell, hug and kiss her even if it’s for the last time. 

Is this even real? I feel so doomed.
I act like I’m okay but I really pray for strength.