This is weird... now that I'm older, I sort of occupy this weird space where I am definitely not the student any more (that sort of finished a couple decades ago...), but in my own mind, I'm not the same as the lecturers and musicians that I looked up to when I was much younger. I guess it is really that old impostor syndrome rearing its head up again... In my head, I feel like I am the same person... but in reality, I'm older and more experienced. And I guess that is what people see... even if I think that my knowledge and skills are nothing special and that anyone could achieve similar things if they just figured out the trick that it is mostly our inner critic that is holding us back (okay, there is some additional knowledge and skill... but mostly we sabotage ourselves).
Anyway, throughout my musical life... I have tried to be fully engaged in every project that I have played in. Always finding something to be engaged and interested in, regardless of the quality of the interpretation, performance, or fellow performers. Weirdly enough, I soon found out that not everyone thinks the same way... and that there were quite a few people who would mark time and get paid... mostly because they often thought that they were just too good in comparison to everything else.
... and sure, this is a really easy trap to fall into. Sometimes, you are just a lot more capable than others... but I have always thought that that was a shit reason to withdraw and minimally contribute. I have always thought of this in two ways...
The first, is that this jaded-ness is infectious... it makes everyone else around drag down in morale and commitment. It is hideously unprofessional (for me, being professional is not about being paid, although that is very nice... it is more about doing your job properly to the best of your ability).... and more to the point, it is destructive to yourself. One day, one little "crappy" job is below you and you act like it... and before you know, you will start thinking that you are too good for everything. Of course, I understand the rationale... it is a protective mechanism to "protect" yourself from a performance that is "below your quality". So, you disassociate yourself... but it is bad, and it makes the performance EVEN WORSE!
The second part... well, if you are the better or stronger player in an ensemble... then it is your DUTY and JOB to raise up and support everyone else! NOT to fall to a lower level... in fact, I would argue that that is a wider personal philosophy... if you are stronger, then you try to support the weaker.
Anyway, I have recently found myself surrounded by people who have similar ideas... who are at the top of their game as musicians.... but have retained a sense of duty and humility. I guess this is often the case when you have people who are comfortable in their selves and skills and don't need to outwardly "perform" their "strength".
I was talking to a colleague the other day... and a little bit more of this crystallized a bit more for me. When I was younger... I looked up to and was inspired by the older and more experienced musicians... I wanted to be like them, and to learn as much as I could from them.
... now, I realise that my role has shifted a bit. I realise that others are looking to me to learn from... and that is quite scary as I really feel like it is an huge responsibility. I've seen others soak in the adoration of the younger generation, and sort of cultivate a "following"... personally, I'm not even sure why anyone wants my advice on things!
... but it has made me realise something more. At any stage of our musical life (even for me right now...), we are both looking up and being looked up to. There are many musicians that I still look up to... and I have seen my university students be the inspiration for younger students. Actually, when I was seeing that... I was so bursting with pride with the manner in which they conducted themselves! In fact, you could DEFINITELY say that I was inspired by them!
I really hope that... in addition to the musical skills and knowledge... that I can also guide them to be that type of "better" musician/person... someone who recognises that our performances are a group effort, and that part of our job is to encourage and inspire everyone around us.
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