Hi Everyone,

As I was coming back to writing I was struck by grief. My Grandma Rosemary whom I had been caring for, for the past four months had slipped into a coma and within 24 hours had passed away. 
She passed away on March 25th 2023. Losing my Grandma completely broke me. I've been battling my grief for the past four days now, trying to wrap my head around the fact that she's no longer here. Because honestly, I didn't understand how someone could be there one day and the next be gone entirely. 
All I was wishing for was one more hug, one more smile, one more laugh. Anything, just for her to open her eyes and look at me one last time. Watching her fade day by day and slip into a coma was the most difficult thing I had experienced in my entire life. 
I'm honestly terrified to go on without my Grandma, my support system. My best friend. My safety net. My safe place. I honestly don't know how to. At this moment in time I'm very lost and am trying to find the guidance I need to continue to move on with my life. 
I've lost people in my life, but never quite on this level. And I've for sure never watched it happen. It was very traumatic. But I did it for my Grandma because she deserved to have me here until the very end. I promised her that and I wasn't going to let her down. 
My family came two days before my Grandma passed and they caused a bunch of drama. Screaming, arguing, fighting, getting aggressive. Cops had to be called. They even went against doctors orders and drowned my Grandmother's system in fluid. She could have choked to death which would have been tragic. But she ended up filling up with fluid, it got into her lungs. She passed sooner due to the negligence of my abusive and toxic family. 
We had to call the police, file a report with Adult Protective Services with my Grandmother's hospice nurse who witnessed it all, file restraining orders against their violent selves. My family is truly disgusting. 
I broke down that day they harmed my Grandma, and I said I hated my family. The hospice nurse placed her hand on my arm and she said "Honey, these people are not your family, this is not what family is. This is not how family acts. You may be related, but hun they are not your family. You, your Mother and your Grandmother, that's family. Don't let them drag you down with them." And that meant a lot. It reminded me of a quote I created my self

"Blood may be thicker than water, but syrup is thicker than blood and I'd rather have waffles."
- Salem Koya 

Since Grandma's passing in the midst of grieving we've also been trying to settle all of Grandma's affairs. My Dad arrived, we've all been trying to assist my mother in settling everything. Take as much off of her plate as we can. We all just really need to shut down for a while. 
Once all is said and done, once Grandma's will is read, because she gets the final word, we will go home and I will be done with these demon spawn forever. I will have nothing further to do with them. I will wipe my hands completely. I will move on with my life and live a life that not only I can be proud of, but one my parents and my Grandparents who've passed this last year now can be proud of me for. 
Remember everyone, you are worth so much more than having to deal with toxic people. It doesn't matter if you're related to them or not. You create your own family. And these people are not my family. They're selfish, entitled, abusive and pure toxic. Once I can get myself back home I cut myself off from all of them. 
Remember your worth. And remember those you love. Because you never know how much time you have with someone. I thought I had more time with my Grandmother and I didn't. But I'm grateful for the last four months straight I got to spend caring for her in her most time of need. So if you do anything today, if you take anything from this post, it's to spend time with those you love. Let them know you love them. 

Love,
Salem Koya