Hi Everyone!
It's been quite a while since I last wrote anything on Publish0x, I took some time away as I was battling severely with my depression. Times have been quite rough lately for me, it's been a great deal of ups and downs from day to day. Trying my best to keep my head up. As I'm now back on my medication for my depression (as I'm always 100% honest here, if you're new) I'm starting to do a bit better. Every day it gets a little easier to manage. 
I'm still here in California taking care of my Grandma with my Mamma. My Grandma is now being put on Hospice care. She was hospitalized two more times since I last wrote and went under a procedure as well. At the moment her condition is as stable as it's going to get, she's had a couple of falls recently, but she's okay. Luckily no substantial injuries, just a few bruises. 
I've now been away from my home for two months. It's crazy to think that it has been that long already. It has also been three and a half months since I was put on leave from my previous employer and two months since I was let go unlawfully. 
With everything I have going on, I've been told by my friends, family and by my amazing psychiatrist that I have a very good reason to be down right now. That it makes a lot of sense that I'd be struggling. I honestly feel quite lost. I kept trying to push through it all but the stress of everything eventually became too much and I had to let go for a bit. Which is why I hadn't written in such a while. 
I've been denied for unemployment which is absolutely ridiculous. It just makes things 100x more difficult for me financially. I'm still fighting them on the appeal. They still have yet to even assign me a judge and I sent in my first appeal back in January. It's now about to be March. The whole thing is quite annoying. The only thing keeping me going with that is knowing that when I finally get approved like I rightfully should, they will have to back pay me for this entire time. 
My insomnia has been pretty bad lately. I'm finally starting to get myself back into a rhythm. I've been put back into a night schedule. Things were becoming very difficult with Grandma and her care with it just being Mamma and I. Mamma wasn't getting any sleep and both of our health was suffering. So Mamma is now on day duty and I'm on night duty with Grandma since I function better at night. 
My Dad just arrived from our home state yesterday. He's going to be here for a week. It's nice to see my Dad. I haven't seen him in a couple of months and I won't lie, I honestly got emotional. I really miss my family, my friends, my home, my pets and just the way things used to be. But I know things are different now. I need to accept that. 
It's been hard seeing my Grandma so sick. It really tears me down. But I do everything I can to bring a smile to her face every single day. We began a tradition a couple weeks back where I do her skincare every night. I now give her nightly facials before I put her to bed each night. And we even have a bedtime ritual as I lay her in bed for the night. I spray down her bed in her favorite Moon Water Apothecary room spray scents, I put on her lip balm, I adjust her pillows and give her, her favorite stuffed animal. She's so adorable. I love her so very much. Being here with her, helping her and being able to show her just how special she is, means the absolute world to me. It's truly what keeps me going. 
At night Grandma tends to get up quite a lot. Which is why before my Mamma wasn't sleeping. So now that I'm awake I take care of Grandma's needs when she wakes up in the middle of the night. She's also allowed to stay up later with me and the two of us have so much fun watching movies, talking and snacking on movie theater buttered popcorn. Yum!! 
I also like to help my Mamma out for the day she is to have ahead, so I get as many chores done for her during the evening as I can while everyone is asleep so that she doesn't have to worry about it. It honestly feels like I have a purpose again since I've been switched back to nights and have a new routine down with myself and Grandma. As an autistic person I thrive off of routine and it helps me get through the day with ease. 
Before I left when my depression got bad, my partner Dammie and I had separated. We are long distance. We live in different countries on completely different contents. When I left, my depression got even worse. I found myself always missing him, worrying about him. Just wanting to talk to him and make sure he was okay. I felt like not only did I lose a partner, but I lost a best friend. 
I ended up reaching out. He had been trying to get ahold of me but I was trying to move on because I thought that's what I needed. But I always do that. When my depression gets worse, I push people away. And Dammie and I were having some issues, so when I became so depressed it seemed easier to push him away than to work on things. But being away from him really hurt. So I reached back out and I told him for now I just needed a friend. He was very understanding and like always he heard me out. For five weeks Dammie and I were just friends. Throughout that time we worked on a lot of our issues, I saw a big change in him and he stayed consistent with that changes that I told him I needed to see before I would even consider that our relationship was going to go anywhere further any longer. After five weeks we officially got back together, and I'm truly grateful to have my love back in my life, because things just weren't the same without him. 
But right now I'm very worried about him. Yesterday I got the news from his friends that he was to go to the hospital. I know Dammie is sick a lot. I'm always worried about that. I had been asking him to go see a doctor for a while, but he hadn't done so. Yesterday he couldn't move. He was so weak and cold, he couldn't get up and he couldn't even respond. He could barely talk. His friends who he lives with were the ones who texted me and told me what was happening. He was sent to the hospital. After being given some medication and sleeping even more he was able to get ahold of me. But it wasn't the best news from the doctors. 
Dammie lives in Africa. I'm proud to be in love with an African man. He's my everything and he loves me with all of his heart. He's my happiness. But in Africa comes a lot of diseases that western countries have eradicated. He was diagnosed with Malaria and Typhoid Fever. He's begun the treatment. And I'm just holding onto hope that he's going to be okay. But I'm very emotional these past 24 hours. I haven't gotten to speak to him much, he's been too weak. I just hope that the doctors will take good care of him and he'll be okay. Though from what I understand, from my parents. Once someone contracts Malaria, there are long-term health effects from the virus. But I will forever be there for him. I just need him to get through this. 
So please, whatever you believe in, please send good vibes to Dammie and hope that he'll be okay and make it through this. He's held off going to the hospital for quite a while. So I'm hoping he responds well to treatment. 
Today's entry is already quite long. I won't drag on any longer. But I will get my butt back to writing. I can't say that I will write daily right now. I don't want to make that promise if I'm simply not ready. I will have to see how it goes. But I will write as much as possible. And I will fill you in more as I go. Sending love to you all. I hope you're all well. I've missed writing and I'm glad to be back. 
But have a wonderful day everyone. My day is just getting started. So here's to a better day. 

Love,

Salem Koya