Before this year ends, I want this pain to end.
This is not to make these guys feel guilty and responsible of the pain I am feeling right now. This is not for the people who've hurt me, this is for myself to completely heal my broken pieces.
I had 2 heart breaks, but no, I was never in a relationship. 2 guys came into my life and I was hoping that one of them would be my first and last. Unfortunately, none of them is.
To the first guy who broke my heart, THANK YOU. Because of you, I have felt the feeling I have always wanted to feel for the longest time.
For the first time in my life, I have told someone about my goals, the man of my dreams, what I like doing, and any random topic that comes to our minds. I can say, I've been who I really am during the time when we were still communicating.
You taught me to be vocal of how I feel, so I told you everything. For a short period of time, even if for you it was just a joke, I know what I felt for you was real. Months pass by, we were already in this so called "Mutual Understanding" stage.
But you broke me when I learned that you were pursuing another girl, because I thought we had the same feeling. I was wrong. You never loved me or even liked me in the first place. It was just all in my imagination that our late night conversations meant something to you, because for me, they became my world. I fooled myself with the thought that you'll keep every promise you made. What edge do I have when the one I am battling with is your one great love and childhood crush?
However, I am still grateful that I met you and you became a part of my story. If not because of you, I wouldn't know I still got lots of love to give to the guy I will love for the rest of my life. I am grateful of this chapter where I met someone who puts his family first, and doesn't have any vices. Blessed is the girl you chose over me because she already has the guy I prayed to God every night. I am not holding any grudges against the both of you. In fact, I am happy that the one I loved, loves the girl he truly desires and she loves him back. I couldn't be any happier if you'll end up being together. Again, Thank you.
To the second guy who broke my broken heart, I'M SORRY. I'm sorry for I was never enough for you. And I'm sorry because I will never be the girl of your dreams. I'm sorry I will never be your "ex-ex." I cannot replace your ex, neither can I duplicate her.
I knew right from the beginning that you'll just hurt me along this journey, but I gave in. I wanted to try something new, that's when I found you. You were the exact opposite of the man I daydream about. You drink, you smoke, you party all night with your friends, and do all the things I hate. Yet, I accepted all of your shits and broke my parents' rules and even my own rules just to love you.
I knew letting you get into my life would cause a lot of trouble, but I let you in anyway. That's how manipulative you were to me. You made me snick out of the house just to be with you. I've done the things I'm not supposed to do just for you. You made me break my rules again. You made me into a completely different person. The decent, innocent girl, who only knows about school and home, went to far places because she was with you. Months passed, I learned to embrace your flaws and imperfections, and I loved you even more.
I thought by doing the things you love to do will make you love me too. But again, I was wrong. And I can't help it but call myself stupid because I risked so much for someone who doesn't wanna risk the same thing for me. I loved you so I tried everything to be the right one for you. Unlucky, you weren't looking for the one. You were looking for someone like her, your ex.
So I'm sorry for I will never be enough for you. No, I will never be the one for you. You never asked me to love you, but I did love you because I wanted to. And now you're hurting me without you knowing. It's all my fault anyway. But I'm not regretting anything.
Now, I heard you're talking with her again. And I can see how happy you are with the posts going around social media. My heart aches seeing you react with her photos, but eventually, it will heal. Acceptance is the first step of moving on, they say. But how can I move on when I'm still in love with you? But what can I do? No matter how hard we push things to happen, if it's not meant to be, it won't be. So I'm sorry, and I wish you genuine happiness in this world full of agony.
As I close this chapter and start a new one, I only pray for myself to be strong and never be discouraged to love wholeheartedly for I know I've still got too much love to give. The chapter of "Marupok" hearts has come to an end. Ciao!