Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. We have what seems to be another attempt at a toilet-paper backed cryptocurrency.
This one is endorsed by CoinMarketCap and was floating around the top of my brain bowl earlier this morning when I first noticed it during my daily check-up. Prostate exam? No, I was checking my watchlist of altcoins you dirty shitheads.
You saw that ranking correct everybody; rank number zero. Zero! That means it is infinitely better than bitcoin because everything multiplied by zero will always. equal. zero!
In times like this, where a toilet paper backed token can surge over 1,000% overnight AND completely run out of supply, simple math like the above equation doesn't only not have to make sense, but logic like that goes right down the shitter like everything else!
The Facts and Shit.
If you think that Satoshi Nakamoto made a breakthrough with the deflationary nature of bitcoin then you need to give your bum a wipe! Look at the graph the Toilet Paper Token has drawn up. Would you just look at it?!
Now I know what you're thinking. I could hardly believe that shit too when I first saw it. But yes, it is true. Just look at it. The figures are all there.
And for those of you who are in the Ethereum camp and believe that the handsomely gorgeous Vitalik Buterin is the true crypto genius because he pioneered smart contracts? Think again. And maybe even wipe again. Because the Toilet Paper Token team has dropped an idea that's even better; the "smut contracts."
And if that doesn't grind your gears Peter?! Well, they intend on calling their token users "wipers." Jesus Christ, God Bless America. Such innovation with be floating around the cesspool that is human biology for eons. Considering Elon Musk is now the ex-CEO of Dogecoin, maybe he will wake up and smell the shit and invest in this new roll of innovation and human creativity.
Remember back when ICO's were first gaining traction? Well forget all of that bullshit. Because the Toilet Paper Token is leaving skidmarks all over the ICO ago of old with two new ground-plopping revolutions.
The TPT Airplop.
I really feel like saying God Bless America again because I can't hold back my tears of absolute joy and enlightenment. Oh, you'll be enlightened alright.
With the Airplop, registered wipers will have to use the latest and shit-stain greatest algorithm in the cryptocurrency space: the Ply Count algorithm. This will be a quiz in which wipers who wish to live a nice, meaningful, dooty-free life will figure out an exact number of TPT that their household will be entitled to just by answering a few stinking questions.
Once you receive your tokens you can redeem them for actual physical toilet paper. Can you believe that shit? Just when the boomers of old thought that gold & silver would continue to be the store of value for the ages. Stupid old shitheads.
And the TPT Initial Scattering Offering.
As of right now the TPT Initial Scattering Offering is incredible. At only $1.64/token I'm sure half of you beautiful souls reading this right now won't be able to believe that shit. At such a low price? And a current market crap of 85,583,000,000? Would you just look at it!
You can buy your first TPT tokens on the Shitake Exchange on April 1st 2020. Which is tomorrow. So I suggest everyone to follow my lead and sell all of your bitcoin today, so that you can be shit sure ready tomorrow that you will be able to secure yourself what is needed most for this New World Order where shit reigns supreme.
Proof of Work is shit. Always has been shit.
Allow me to quote directly from the Whitepaper, as my grasp of English phonetics and general euphonious engineering doesn't even come within a corn-kernel of the shit they have written in this Bible-rivaling piece of literature:
"Our Know-Your-Colon (KYC) process works with our bog-standard proof-of-wipe chain, facilitating each user’s KYC check that they are able to wipe by themselves, as users that don’t fall into this category are unable to participate in the token sale. Our research has shown that the early age of entry is 3-years-old."
At this point in the article I must implore the reader to go and have a look at the whitepaper for themselves. What of myself, you might ask? Well, it is time that I must go take my daily shit. Honestly this news could not have come at a better time, because I was just starting to get low on square-space. For the past few days I have been using about half of the toilet paper that I normally would.
And you know that has gotten pretty ugly. But today? Absolutely no more half-assing! Today, I will use two entire squares because I know that tomorrow I will be able to get my own toilet paper tokens secured by their bog-standard proof-of-wipe chain. Honestly, Satoshi get with the times you old pseudonymous blockhead.
Thank you. And I wipe you all the best of luck selling your bitcoin today to prepare for the diarrhea of demand that will cascade the markets tomorrow morning. May the best shit be with you.
*All credit goes to the team over at CoinMarketCap and the TPT team members: Mary Ploppins, Peter Peuop, and John Splashington. I am just writing this article for the hilarity of it all. Much love everyone and always try to spare a square if you can.
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