If you missed Part 1 please go back and read it here first - https://www.publish0x.com/rah/miron-mariupols-baby-part-1-xevmmzd

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Then, just about at the same time as I had completely filled my space, something happened and everything was different. My space was still the same, but something was going on in that tantalising outer world that I was yearning to join and while I lacked the ability to think it somehow seemed less welcoming and a much colder place to be in.

The voices that I had known for so long, those voices that had become so important and comforting to me changed. Any trace of laughter was gone and in its absence there was often silence or all too often just terse conversations that were just white noise to me. With growing anxiety, which I hadn’t known nor could explain, I heard as sounds became sharper and the Thump! Thump! Thump! so close to my barely audible Pock! Pock! Pock! was no longer a comfort but a deafening gong. It frequently beat faster and these faster rhythms came without warning.

The peace and tranquillity of my bubble was gone and yet here I remained...

Then something else happened to the voices, both of them now, but especially the deeper one talking a lot and trying to do so calmly, but – even though I didn’t understand – I could still feel the difference. It seemed like they were trying to reach me. The softer voice was more pitched and higher and all too frequently such sounds were accompanied by an increase in the tempo of that one sound I had known from the very beginning.

I still didn’t know what it was, but I knew it was different. Everything had changed and that feeling that all was good and well, became a forgotten sensation. 

Then in the midst of all of whatever was going on outside, yet another new experience, internal this time, invaded my increasingly fraught state and I couldn’t do a thing about it. I didn’t know what to make of it; all I knew was that I had to accept it. It all came about at just about the same time as I’d completely filled the space in my bubble and had very little room to grow any more. Something was pulling me down and I had a sense that I was turning, rotating somehow. I don’t know words, I don’t know how to describe it. It was just a feeling that my head (where my senses seemed to live) was suddenly going down to the space where my back had been for so long, in fact as long as I could remember.

Disconcerting as it was, whatever was happening felt right and it felt natural and so I embraced the change, even if my uninformed mind couldn’t comprehend it, and the peace that I had known for so long had long since departed .

Whatever it was, it was new and it was exciting.

As my downward migration continued, the voices became more and more frequent and animated and they were joined by other voices that were much louder than anything I had known before. They were expecting something to happen and I knew anticipation…

Thump! Thump! Thump!

It was faster than usual, even faster than it had been any time recently, and getting faster with each passing moment.

Thump! Thump! Thump!

Movement.

Fast, jerky movement.

I felt myself floating back and forth and could do nothing about it. Something was wrong, terribly wrong. A voice – the deeper one – was no longer offering comfort, no longer putting gentle pressure on my life sustaining bubble. Whether it was there, but silenced I had no idea all I knew was that it felt like it had left me alone. Now in the strange near silence, my only companion was the out of control thumping, that had become anything but comforting. The Thump! Thump! Thump! was now racing somewhere just outside of my being and filling my head with a previously unknown sensation.

Fear.

I don’t know what fear is, but I know this dark shadow is invading my once inviolate peaceful space and threatening to overwhelm me. At the same time that sound, the very sound that had brought me comfort from the very beginning and was in fact the centre of my existence and very much all I knew, was getting faster and faster and there was no stopping it nor getting away from it.

Stress.

I didn’t understand, but I knew the peace that had been my comfort for so very long, and had been threatened in recent times, was now completely shattered. I felt my centre, deep inside, also begin to beat faster in response to whatever was going on outside. My cocoon, the safe haven that I had known for so long, was suddenly claustrophobic and pressing in on me.

Voices, many voices now, shouted strenuously and once again I was heaved from side to side before feeling the sensation of being dropped. Then all motion stopped and with it the thumping just outside of my being was suddenly inexplicably slowing. Even my uninformed mind recognised that it was slowing too much. My embryonic emotions that were little more than animalistic instincts darkened even further when I was hit with a devastating realisation.

My constant companion was leaving me…  

Terror.

Instinctively, I opened my mouth to scream, but I made no sound. I didn’t know why I did it –  I didn’t understand.

Pressure.

I was drowning inside my own bubble. It had sustained me and held me and made me feel safe, but now it was a prison, a trap and a lair.

I had to get out. I had to kick.

Maybe the voices I have always known will come back and soothe me just like they used to. Maybe they can take me back to where we were and we can know peace…

Suddenly they were back, but  they were both speaking at the same time, the soft one was weak and fading and the deeper one was distressed  and I felt no comfort…

Then there was a sudden sound, a new unfamiliar sound, and a concussion, a wave of pure force, that pressed hard on my bubble and threatened to crush me. Almost immediately, it was followed by a sense of falling.

The deep voice was still there, but no longer deep and now more shrill and pitchy. It only added to my a terror, but what was even worse was that the softer voice, that had only just come back to me was gone and in its absence there was only a great void.

I needed to hear it.

Thump! Thump! Thump!

The voice may well have departed, but still that one sound, the one sound that I’d known from the very beginning was still there, even though it was slow and fading rapidly it gave me something to hold on to.

…but the voice was gone and despair was crushing me even more than my bubble was.

More voices, some screaming, some shouting. More movement and pressure on me from outside.

‘Shuuuusshh!’ The soft voice was back, but it was no longer soft and while I sensed that it was trying to calm, me it was so different to everything that I had ever known previously and consequently it scared me even more.

Pain.

I don’t know what this is, but I know that I don’t like it. I tried within my confines to move away, but it didn’t make any difference. I wanted it to stop. What’s happening? I want the voices back, just like they used to be. I want the calm, I want the laughter, and I want the peace.

But the voices are gone and I just know now that they are gone forever. I open my mouth to scream again.

Panic.

Where are the voices? I need them. I need peace. I need calm. I need everything to be alright. My bubble is tightening around me and constricting my very being. For so long it had protected me, but I no longer feel safe here. 

More pain.

What’s happening? I don’t understand. What’s wrong? Why have the voices left me? I feel trapped and alone. I have to get out… I have to get out... I have to get out…

I’m alone and I’m scared, but I want to live…

… Oblivion.