You may have looked at the new articles this morning and thought to yourself - what no article from rah today. I do try to post everyday with the occasional weekend, either one or both of the days, missing due to family commitments. I must admit to procrastinating today about what I wanted to post.

Should I or shouldn't?

So here goes. I am going through a season in my life that is tough, almost certainly the toughest of my life. Even harder than a particular childhood experience or the premature loss of my mother when she was only 44. I have already hinted and so you probably know what I am talking about. My family is collapsing around me and in my view a significant factor is the toxicity between Mama_Rah and I. Neither of us are blameless, but it seems that on my part that whatever I do it is never enough. With the way the law is slanted in favour of the mother it does seem that I am likely to become an absent dad and there is a big part of me that fears that in the narrative, that I will have zero control over (I at least still have some influence while i am here) I will become the "bad dad who deserted his wife with two young children" and there is nothing I can do about it. There is no scenario where I go without it reflecting on me being the bad one. I feel this particularly acutely because it is exactly what happened to me. My biological dad was next to useless. The "dad" who I referred to in my article about my childhood was actually my step-father and he is my dad in everything but biology. Inevitably my mind does drift into dark places and the most dominant thought is 

Better no dad than an absent dad.

Of course that is as bleak as it sounds, but don't worry I am not going to do something reckless or stupid. Nonetheless it is still a prevailing thought that while not dominant is ever-present.

Now the warning, one of the things that does not help and we all need to be wary of this because of how the algorithms work is the role of social media. I often find myself browsing during downtime on Facebook Reels and inevitably I dwell a few seconds longer on those reels that seem to identify with what I and indeed we as a family are going through and consequently I see more of them. While this is not necessarily an extremist view it is still a constant reinforcement of a hardened position which creates a strong resonance with me and thus it naturally follows that my heart becomes even harder through no fault of Mama_Rah's and thus the problems between us become even bigger simply because of the persuassive power of social media. 

It is a warning to us all. 

Be aware and beware and the old phrase G.I.G.O. (Garbage In Garbage Out) is just as applicable today as it was when the phrase was coined in the early days of computing.

Stay safe and stay well my friends as always.