It has been said that for every question there is an answer and for every beginning there is an end. What seems a lifetime ago, a story that weighs on my memory but not so easy to tell. I had the unfortunate yet unyielding fortune to find the heart of a loving friend that would leave a hole and pain no teenage girl should ever have to bear.
It was late summer and there were only a few short weeks left before the grim start to my junior year. It would begin with a simple text that would change my life, and shape an entire mode of thought that would alter the very outcome of my very future. Something that still to this day still remains a haunting revelation to a heavy portion of my life.
See not only had i discover a cheating betrayal, but I was informed in one simple sentence that the object of my betray may be with child as well. To a young girl this was the sort of thing that leaves complete devastation and heartbreakin its wake. A downward spiral and what felt like a strict spiral into an earthly hell was all that would be found in a youthful state of despare.
A turn towards the expected modes of numbing such pains was not out of the question in this case. First on the list was everyones gateway expectation but mary jane didnt dance to well and lost her edge after only a short week or so. Needless to say her mind numbing was just werent helping to fight in such a depressing cause. A party or two later and soon vodka shots became her best friend yet they barely phased the torment of my day to day reality. Needless to say there definitely wasn't enough ice cream in the freezer or even in the world to cool the vicious burning within my young soul.
After so much pain and self loathing a seemingly selfish yet hopeless choice was made. That night came one vigorous attempt to end this suffering with a heavy bottle of lifted prescription pills. Falling deep into what seemed like a long dark sleep didnt seem like it would be so bad right. I soon found out how very wrong I was as i woke to my mother coming by my friends to check in on me. With an immediate realization that something was a miss she did as any dotting mother would do immediately rising to the cause. She could see with an obvious entirety that I was completely in another world as an incapability to stand, or even talk in so much as a partial sentence without slurring every other word had already set in. With about as much stubborn demand and questioning as one could muster from mother dearest, and I was left with no other choice than admitting to what had been done. Without question mother had me immediately admitted by the next morning in hopes of not only saving her young daughters life but it would be an comprehensable first attempt at saving my soul from its own torment as well.
My first day there I was in a complete daze that makes the memory of the time spent quite bleak and vague on detail. Yet the one thing that stood out in my mind at first glance was a boy by the name of Tim. Tim's face is one that would come to burn its way into even the darkest depths of a lifelong dream world that would eventually turn to a living nightmare. The entire vibe in the room changed and the energy shifted as he approached the table where i sat. Meaningless conversations held would carry us both through our time there. Leaving two bruised young hearts feeling a little less hollowed and alone as certain sparks did ignite within. For the light of a new found loves first kiss does cast hope, giving way to a single bliss that would in turn be cut relevantly short as the charge nurse handed over Tim's discharge papers. Complete with the latest of recommended chemical cures for lifes volital ailes. Mear moments later came a prompt release and a most coveted promise to see each other again on the other side.
Only a few short days later, I'm finally set free of my own confinement. The journey of seeking out the truth of a promise made would then begin with a series of nonstop messages and scouring web in search of what was claimed as a new found obsession. It did not take but a day or two to find and reach out to the soul that had touched my heart so dearly. To a distinct amazement the feelings coveyed would be met with such warmth and understanding that no one outside of just us two would ever truly understand. We would message each other daily giving way to all notions of the day to day struggles that surrounded our individual realities. Leaving ourselves some what exhausted during our time from staying up half the night talking through various means of communication.
Everyday that would pass, left us feeling as if were falling deeper and deeper into something even we did not expect. Though the beginning of something even more unexpected would change one young heart forever. One morning i woke in confusion as the phone was going out of control. Upon answering all Tim would convey is the desperate need for an escape from his relentless torment, as things at home were not as they should be. So with the the help of a good friend i acted in haste to come to his aide and take him away from the place of his imposed hurt. I brought him home with me where at that time in the middle of nowhere, leaving no chance for being found. With my parents gracious approval Tim would be given sanctuary from the object of his anguish.
Several did pass giving a moments peace and much needed clarity. Allow us to feel as if things were turning for the better. Until one evening a bitter hearted mother and her buligerantly aggressive lover found out where Tim had run off to and ripped him back to what can only be described as a dismal cage of a life. So our nonstop time together got switched to only a few choice moments during the weeks that would follow. This last only a short while until something suddenly changed and it was to be the last weekend I would physically see him alive.
At this time my own father was midway into a long battle with cancer, and his patch was wearing off leaving him with his own upbearable pain. Tim was spending the day with us at a church cook out, at the main park in town. His shrill ogre of a mother was late coming to pick him up towards the end of the festivities. It was thought to be alright to leave Tim in waiting as not only was the church pastor keeping a watchful eye, but multiple other trusted patrons and church authorities were present to sit with him. But to the shreak of his mother we were charged as being utter against her desire. Leaving our weekends and every form of communication we had left to be cut off until further notice. We thought to attempt one final way at keeping us in touch using the connect of a mobile music device but it would be to avail as the misdirected joy of Tims brother would end this quite abruptly.
I just couldn't take the torcher of it any futher. His mom seemed to hated me with such vigilance for some vague reason even i could not comprehend. But what is a relationship with not one manner of communication. I thought I could let them calm down, and even if only momentary ending things between Tim and I might make things a bit easier. Yet my plight would come of no use as nothing calmed down. With this one action he was left alone and the true essence of my nightmares would come to unfold.
Later that night, Tim walked down the stairs with anger in his heart, he made one honest and final plea for a release from his torment. Yet when this help would come to late as the demons within had taken completely over as he ran vigilantly out the back door. They searched high and low thinking there could be no place for him to run or hide. The overwhelming truth and final end to his pain would be all that would be found. For not far from even a mile from his home, my love and my best friend was found. At the very end of the football field where he had spent much time in his youth, Tim was found to have taken his own life once and for all ending his anguish for good. Leaving behind not a word of his true feeling except two short letters found in his pocket and my name freshly carved into his leg. One letter was addressed to myself and the other to his mother. As my nightmare unfolded i was shaken from my slumber as the phone exploded enough to awake me from my sleep. With what i can only describe as being the most vile and torchers messages and voicemails that any 16 year old shouldn't ever have forced upon them. The unwitting ignorance coming from the hatred of two grown adults who clearly knew better.
That night, my Timothy died and he took a part of me with him. Today with what is to be almost nine years in the after math and the word "suicide" just makes my heart go ill. I was completely shattered in the wake of his passing, as I cried for weeks feeling as if i would die myself. Everyone was whispering pointing fingers, and directling their angers at me. I was left with years of anguish and night terrors that to this day still creep in violently shaking me awake at times. I could barely sleep or eat or even function. School days were a clouded fog and a vague and hollow existence would leave me dead inside. I couldn't believe that my love was truly gone. We had issued a promise of forever. Yet my forever is sitting here feeling alone and unwanted as im left with only ashes to remember its existence.
So here I stand almost a decade away from that terrible night. The pain derived from the loss of not only a love that had been my saving grace in a time of my own down hill spiral, but the loss of a wonderful and life changing friendship still this day makes my heart ache and my head spin when ever i am faced with similar circumstances. Though the daily realizations and nightly panic filled dreams have with time faded into nothing as i have learned to push them back, i still toil with the lingering feelings of guilt and the desires even to hear his voice if only for one moment. Every so often i think of the time we spent and the promises made and wonder what where my dear friend would be today. Times ever vigilante passing, and the healing and understanding words of a man who i would come to know as my ultimate savior in life has helped me to over come the self doubt left from the pains in my past. A man who's vigilance in helping me to better understand and better understand the truth of my self inflicted guilt and thought consuming doubt i had placed upon myself for so long. In turn making it forever easier to cope with my past but the memories of the events past will live on in my heart forever. I even got a small memorial tattoo in honor of the boy who first held my heart so true. I look down at my wrist everyday and know to never give up on myself and to always push for the life he would have wanted for me. One day hopefully i will get the answers to those questions ive held on to for all of these years. Was it me who was the cause of my dear friends pain? Was it the constant turmoil created for his by his own mother? These thoughts even though fleeting in reality still have had a profound effect on my life since. Effect not only the way i portrayed myself individually but it would come to take it toll on my future relationships as well. My only plight for survival was in the bleak notion that I would one day I will see him again.
Over time I spent so many wasted years blaming and hating myself for an event in my life that I had no true understanding of. It wasnt until many years later that I would come to find the man who taught me how to finally heal my broken soul. With such a nurturing and caring heart to guild me he show me that I can't continue to blame myself as I had done for to long. He helped me realise that just as I had been struggling with my own internal demons, that Timothy had simply been toiling with his own demon. One that had taken control of his every thought not allowing him to see any light of hope to carry him from his torcher. Though it doesnt change the wish for a chance to have done things differently I will never really know what was burning inside Tims heart that night. Maybe that night would have been different but would one change might have been enough to save him from his inevitabile fate. I am left with only one in curable wish in the wake of it all. If ever given one single chance for what would be a final moment with my dear Timothy, I would only wish to convey how truly sorry I feel in the instance of adding to his pain, and I would tell him how much I miss his laughter and that I will always love him for the compassion his young heart showed to me.
In light of an experience that had been such a nightmare for me in my youth, I am left with only one final hope and desire in the wake of it all. The only one true hope I have left is despite the torment of his life that Tim was able to find his peace on the other side. That where ever he is, he is able to exist with tranquility and the love that he so deserved. I hope that he is watching over me seeing how strongly preserved his memory and his love has been all these years. I truly believe that when fate comes to call and my time is at hand, I will indeed see my dear friend again on this day. Until that time does come I will be here, continuing to honor his memory regardless of how his family has chosen to view me in the end. Though i do feel a small inkling of pitty for those that choose to convict themselves to living with such unnecessary hatred in their hearts. For that is not the lesson that this experience and the compassion that Tim showed to has taught. I will admit it took the help of James who has become my savior in life, to truly understand Tims lesson. The ultimate lesson bestowed upon me was just so simple. The lesson given is not to live in doubt and hatred as it can only leave one feeling alone and hollow, live a life of faith and unconditional love and happiness. Live to be the best you that you can be and dont hold so much focus for the failures that are an unfortunate part of our every day reality. Only focus on the future and what directly in front you as there is no point in holding so much contempt in a past that you cannot change. If you don't like the events of your past and feel uncomfortable about who you were, only you can do what is necessary to change your direction and walk a new and better path. Last but not least when all is said and done, don't take the advantages you are given for granted and always find ways to repay the karmic debts created by any misdeeds that may have been committed.
It is my hope that by reading and learning my story someoneout there may find comfort in their own similar experiences. Always know that no matter how alone you feel, that this isn't the case. For you are never truly as alone as you feel in these moments of pain and hopelessness. Please keep reaching out for even a single voice of reason. Ending your fight will not end the turmoil, it only seeks to shoulder the pain to those who truly did care. I know this feeling all too well because even a decade later I still find myself struggling with this reality. Tim's life ended before his story had even been given a real chance to begin. He was so young and felt so lost, yet he barely even got to know the world outside of the cage placed within his own mind. No one deserves to suffer a fate such as his, especially at such a young age. Keep pushing on, and if it helps heres a few words that James used to help me through and keep me pushing forward.
"We are not the sins of our past, for it is not who we were that defines us but only the sincerity in who we strive to be."
"In the face of adversity these colors shall never run, for we are strong and we are powerful, never yielding to the doubts and the hatred of anothers blind convictions"
A final note for Timothy
Rest easy my love. For you shall never in a hundred years be forgotten. I vow to hold true to the promises made, and hope you find solice and peace amongst your stars.
Forever in your loving debt,
Original date of authorization: Sept. 2019
Proofed and Edited by : D.J. Messer
Written by: T.L. Calhoun