I'd love to kick off this post with an obvious warning: Please don't follow any of these steps, or you will blow your account! This post is for entertainment purposes only. Enjoy!

For real though, no matter how large your account is, these steps will level it down in record time!

Let's get started!

1. Buy a super expensive computer

How about that $50000 new iMac pro? That would do it. And don't you dare forget buying at least 7 26" UHD 4K monitors so you can view your charts, as well as your Coinmarketcap page and your Coindesk, Cointelegraph and Coingape screen at the same time. Then on the last 2 screens, why not have a movie playing, but then let it be in dual monitor mode so that you can see more at once!

And, last bit not least, you'd need 7 of Apple's finest $1000 stands for your 7 monitors. And you would not leave without buying a super expensive mouse pad made of pure aluminium? 

How dare you even think of leaving without buying a super expensive and comfortable chair? It's where you'd make all your winning trades right? If it's not expensive, it isn't right!

Because you definitely NEED this setup to be a successful traders.

Once you're fully set up, just wait for the money to start rolling in. Your gigantic electricity bill would look like chicken change after just an hour of profits with your wicked set up.

2. Spend a ton of time looking for the perfect indicator

Because indicators know best! Spend so much time looking for that magic crystal ball indicator(don't be suspicious if that's the real name. The cornier the name, the better)

This indicator will give you exact entry and exit points, and also take profit levels, usually upward of 3000%. 

It will literally be like installing an ATM machine in your office.

Just watch all those green candles make your 7 monitors almost explode the color green!

3. Don't read the news. Like ever.

News? What are you, 40?(if you are, that's cool. I'm not judging)

No need for the news. Your magical indicator has you covered. No one cares if the hashrate just want up and that's why the price is dropping. And no one certainly cares if that coin that represents 90% of your portfolio is getting delisted. No.one.cares.

Just follow your magical indicator on your expensive screens. You'd be fine.

4. Make sure to find out crypto trading forums and follow the every move of the top guys there

There are a bunch of forums out there that have literal gods of crypto trading. Make sure you search out these groups on your expensive setup (always use the 3rd screen from the left) and follow exactly what the top guys say.

Don't even think. Thinking isn't required for this method.

Just follow what they say. If they say buy, don't ask why. And if they say sell, don't ask why.

You can't know better than they can, or can you?

Wait, why did I even ask a question? That requires thinking! Just do it.

5. Twitter is your ultimate source of free signals.

Following in the footsteps of the previous method, just visit twitter and type in "crypto trading signals". I'm telling you, at least 50 people will pop up. Follow ALL of them, and turn on notifications for their tweets. It doesn't matter if you know them or not. Or whether or not they have profile pictures. In fact, the creepier the account, the better! That's what makes trading so fun. The mystery!

Once these guys drop their magical free signals, follow them as blindly as a bat. Your broker would probably have to ask you questions because of how much profit would be pouring into your account.

6. Dream about how much you'll make, and neglect how much you could potentially lose.

Lose? What's that? We don't do that here!

Everyday you open up a position, dream of yourself in that yellow lambo with that hot chick from the 9th grade who told you no because you couldn't afford the $5 gate pass to the dance and still eat lunch that day.

And make sure you don't set stop losses. Don't EVA set stop losses. Stop losses are for losers. You're not a loser. All you do is win, win win. Just like DJ Khaled always says: "we da best traders!"

Once that big trading money pours in, hop on to the nearest Ferrari dealership or Versace store. But don't buy the whole store up. That'll piss off the other guys who follow your methods.

7. Throw your whole account into one trade

Always remember: Go big or go home!

Position sizing? What's that? Dollar cost averaging? Are we in an economics class?

Once your magical indicator tells you to buy, and you can clearly see it on your 3rd monitor from the left, make sure you buy, and go all in. Remember that dealership from the previous step? Scratch that. Buy the Versace company instead!

If you followed all these steps to the letter, by now the balance on your account should be a perfect zero.

If you REALLY followed the steps, you should even have a negative balance if you're lucky. More power to you.

But now, if you know what NOT to do to blow your account, here you go as well.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed the post, please use the thumbs up below!