So, to be honest I don't even know were to begin.  So, just a quick summary of who I am today. I am a 48yr. Old mother/wife/nana. I have been married for 27yrs. I have 4 biological sons and a stepson. All my children are grown and out of the house an they gave me 5 beautiful grandchildren! Seriously, without them I don't know where I would be.  Throughout my life I changed jobs like  bums change their underwear. Lol. Meaning, my job could last a day, week, sometimes even up to a year or more. I have worked as a hotel maid, cook, welder, fabricator, manager of a restaurant, security guard,and last but not least an most favorite of all time jobs an 18 wheeling  truck driving mama!

I love art, anything from painting, coloring,drawing, diy projects you name it I most likely like doing it. Music is life, I barely watch television, music just takes me away from life even if it's just for a moment at a time. I see it as it's one moment longer I am here. And I guess last but not least since the age of 14 I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder, ptsd and anxiety. I think I have been prescribed every medication known to man with nothing but failed out comes.

  So,with that being said let me tell you why I decided to write this blog. First reason I'm so tired of these labels doctors put on people. Having that label just puts you in a radar and divides you from others. Second, I really don't believe I have this so called disorder. Like I said I have been through some major shit in my life. I believe that's why I am a bit psycho and I feel I am pretty fucking normal in my eyes for dealing with what I have. Hell, it's not like any of the doctors delt with the main issue that has caused my depression. Soon as they find out I used drugs and alcohol omfg that was it Fuck what I been though. Now I am not the girl who is seeking answers and help to deal with what I have been through I am now just a drunk and a drug addict and need to seek god and everyone's forgiveness for being this low life piece of trash in society. Fuck the reason I am self medicating is because I am numbing or at least trying to numb the pain, anger and built up hate I have been feeling. The feeling of never being good enough, unwanted, ugly, alone, useless, a burden,unable to love and be loved. I'm just a freak that doesn't fit in anywhere.  Yeah, wrap your head around that. To know how that feels on a day to day basis these fucking doctors would be using something too. Hell, I am sure some probably do but we just don't know.  

 I am going to pause here for a moment and I also would like to apologize ahead of time. I know I am probably going to be all over the place trying to tell my story. I would like to say I could write it down verbatim like it has occurred but yeah that's not fucking happening. My brain don't work that way. My brain is more like in five years I would like to be here, shit why did ten years ago this happen, tomorrow I think I will have pancakes for breakfast, SQUIRREL!!! Yes, my head spins just like that 24/7.

One last thing I would like to say before I take a break for the day is that if this blog even gets to reach anyone at all I am hoping in some way it will help someone or at least let someone know that they are not alone in this crazy fucked up world. There are people who can relate and there are some who have been through worse. A Lot of people are ashamed and embarrassed to admit it. I use to be one of them. I am not anymore. This is what life handed me right from the day I popped out and this is the way I dealt with it. No rights no wrongs it is what it is.  

Well for now that's it. If you got this far I thank you. I also hope you return to continue my journey with me. Next time I am going to start with my back story of what happened to me that I truly believe is the reason I am the way I am. Not because of some fucking chemical imbalance in my brain. Cause let me tell you the drugs these docs put me on, some almost killed me and the rest they had the same effect as popping a tick tac without the minty fresh feeling.  Lol. 

 Love, be kind and stay strong 💪❤️ 

✌️ Out for now! ✌️❤️🙃

PS.

The resource link on the bottom of the page is going to be my song of the day! 😋💓