The Incandescent Dark

By Nathan Payne | pablosmoglives | 1 Jul 2024

"I had it all, and it all had me
but my prison days are over
I'm finally free"
A Beautiful Place

Years ago, I was reading the comments on a Mexican YT channel dedicated to "Narcocorridos," or "drug ballads." Narcos have been known to commission songwriters to immortalize their story in song. One of the comments said something to the effect of, "it's too bad we can't have science ballads." Unfortunately, not many scientists are paying to have their story set to music.

Maybe if scientists rode around in the back of a pickup truck with implements of learning and discovery pointed in the air like porcupine armaments, they would have something to write about. But they're too busy being scientists, I imagine, to waste their time on such foolishness.

While sifting through the relevant parts of my discography to write my last article, "Thank You For Your Sanctimony," I was surprised by how dark my old material is. The purpose of the article was to show that it isn't always the shiny, smiling people who are good, but to revisit my mindset by way of the songs I was writing at the time, was genuinely shocking. The lyrics of "Happiness is Mine" are horrific beyond belief. As is most, if not all, of the Stumblefish album. I used to say that "Over The 5 And Far Away," a street poem set to a haunting guitar part, a narcocorrido en inglés, perhaps, "captures the 'spirit of dope' as well as I will ever be able to capture it." I stand by that statement, even as I distance myself from everything it means. I am so incredibly grateful to be nowhere near that spirit. The darkness in that song is incandescent. It glows with seductive, deadly horror. Much of my old material is darker than a black light. If day-glo black was a color, my old material would be dipped in it.

But I'm not writing this to apologize for it, explain it, or even to condemn it.

I'm writing this because I am so INCREDIBLY GRATEFUL to God for having had the patience with me in those dark and stupid times, and for not letting me fall completely away into the fires of hell described in the lyrics. I am grateful to God that the contrast between myself then and now is so stark that the old material is completely unrecognizable to me. That's my testimony, and it's all because of God. Certainly, it isn't me. Let it stand as an example of God's grace for anyone trapped within a prison of nihilistic rage, engaged in self-destructive behaviour to compensate for the vacuum of peace and joy in their soul. IT IS NOT A TERMINAL CONDITION. At least, not necessarily. God knows, it can be. But listening back at that old material from 20+ years ago, I couldn't believe my ears. It was like listening to music written by a completely different person.

Which, of course, it is.

The cover art of All The Diamonds You Can Eat hints strongly at what is going on behind the facial scenes of the songs contained within, but in fact I used to say that "A Beautiful Place" was my favorite gospel song. Mostly (if not entirely) because of the bridge, the lyrics of which are pasted at the beginning of this article. In fact "Prison Days Are Over" was the working title of the song. It wasn't true at the time. Prison days were nowhere near over in 2003 when I wrote it. And in some ways, they still aren't.

But in many ways, they are. Prison days are behind me. I knew it would be true, eventually. I remember shaking my head at the lines as I wrote them. "Yeah whatever," I said, even as I knew it would eventually be true. I certainly wanted it to be true. Nobody wants to be angry. Nobody wants to be depressed. Everybody wants to be loved for who they are, and nothing else. But don't worry. If you have to wade through a thousand miles of "Over The 5 And Far Away" to actually get far away from the sentiment, it's okay. But don't waste any more time. Do it now. It has taken me decades to get to the point where I am terrified of an ungrateful thought, or when I let my guard down and let a bad word slip out, for reasons of being tired. It really bothers me. NO WAY could I ever write now about waking up shaking in a lake of naked girls (which never happened anyway), or any of the dark, dirty drama contained within the old material. Fictional or otherwise.

It isn't in me. Praise the Lord.

I used to think there was power in embracing the darkness, in clinging to the stone tied around your neck before the tormenters throw you into the sea. "You can't kill/hurt me, I don't want to live anyway," or something. It isn't BS. You don't have to have a Bachelor of Science to make the darkness shine. You can stare the horror down until hell itself becomes illuminated, and the "day-glo grey cracky pavement" as described in the last poem on Stumblefish glows with a darkness that is truly incandescent. The nonexistent laws of the artistic science of nightmares will allow you to glow like a black hole until all the light within your soul has been consumed, if you let it.

But it's not a foregone conclusion. No matter how infernal the cover art of your heart may be, I'm telling you:

The songs can change.

I don't write songs anymore, but it's a circumstantial issue rather than an inspirational one. I'm simply not carrying hundreds of songs around the world for decades in a moldy folder so I can make a demo of them in 20 years if I'm lucky anymore, is all it is. But let this song stand as a testimony to the change God can work in your life, no matter how much time you've spent scouring the incandescent streets of hell for menthol cigarette butts in a hazy, cracked-out daze. I wrote this "Cielocorrido" (ballad of Heaven) almost exactly 4 years ago in response to the general request by the Mexican YT commenter for a "science ballad." Whether it's a great song or not, I don't remember. In fact, I can't play the tuba or accordion, and to write a proper "corrido" you need to be able to shred on both. So I just wrote the lyrics. There isn't any music. The foreign-language novelty of being able to rhyme "bastards" and "forgiveness" (cabrones/perdónes) was where I got my writing kicks. I also love the artless way Spanish lyrics translate into English. It seems to me the purest form of writing. It would never occur to me to write about how I want to get "away from this world of many pains in an eternity of smiles and flowers" in English. "Pain" and "flowers" don't rhyme in English.

Or do they?

Behold the contrast of day and night, of Heaven and Hell, depicted in the 2 poems/songs below. Let "The Ballad of Jesus Christ" shine a light on the incandescent darkness glowing on the streets of whatever hell you may be in. Or on. No matter how brilliant it may be, the incandescent darkness doesn't hold a candle to the light. It can't. A candle would outshine it. Even a wet match from God, struck on the angry matchbox of your soul, causes the demons to scatter like cockroaches. All you have to do is want it, and ask. Jesus will help you. He certainly has helped me. As it says in Isaiah 43:18-19, "Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?" It's worded as a commandment, but perhaps it can also be read as a simple statement of fact, for anyone who asks. You WILL not remember the former things, you WILL not consider the things of old, I WILL do a new thing, now it SHALL spring forth. The question isn't whether or not it will. The question is,

Shall we not know it?

El Corrido de Jesucristo

Es una canción sobre Dios
del amor en el mundo de frios
donde muerte y dolor es la ley
pero Jesus volverá como el rey

Su poder es más de la poder de la muerte
su amor es total y muy fuerte
todas las personas bien y cabrones
necesitas su perdónes

Murió en la cruz, está terminado
el pago por todos nuestros pecados
no necesitas un sacerdote o dinero
no necesitas ser fuerte o un guerrero

Jesús murió por los pecados
de todos de los pecadores
Pregúntarle a tu corazón
y él será tu amigo y Salvador

Y serás libre para siempre
y en tu corazón ten paz y calma
y como tratan de lastimarte
nunca robarán tu alma

Cuéntales a todos tus amigos sobre él
tus padres y hermanos
tus abuelos y hermanas
y todos los niños pequeños

Él traerá a todos tus hijos al cielo
a la tierra de leche y miel
donde los perros y gatos son amigos
con los serpientes y animales peligrosos

Donde ya no hay tristeza ni llanto
no más muerte y no más tontos
lejos de este mundo de muchos dolores
en una eternidad de sonrisas y flores

The Ballad of Jesus Christ

This is a song about God
of love in the cold world
where death and pain is the law
but Jesus will return as the king

His power is more than the power of death
his love is total and very strong
all good people and bastards
need his forgiveness

He died on the cross, it's finished
paying for all our sins
you don't need a priest or money
you don't need to be strong or a warrior

Jesus died for sins
of all the sinners
Ask him into your heart
and he will be your friend and savior

And you will be free forever
and in your heart have peace and calm
and however they try to hurt you
they will never steal your soul

Tell all your friends about him
your parents and brothers
your grandparents and sisters
and all the little kids

He will bring all your children to heaven
to the land of milk and honey
where cats and dogs are friends
with snakes and dangerous animals

Where there is no longer sadness or crying
no more death and no more fools
away from this world of many pains
in an eternity of smiles and flowers

Over The 5 And Far Away

Look me up
if you're still alive
over the 5
and far away

Wash the bugs
out of your breath
how many legs
do you have left?
Dry the tears
from your teeth
meet me downtown
underneath
the bridge over the freeway
sure I luvya baby,
now get outta my way
I got my business taken care of
and I'm aware of
how I look
just cuz I got 2 strikes
don't make me a crook
so I took a couple bucks
from that liquor store
and any car built since 1924
I can hotwire with a switchblade knife
who are you tellin' me to get a life?
I could run a model train
down your arms and legs
good things come to those who beg,
baby,
good things come to those
who beg

So look me up
if you're still alive
over the 5
and far away

No matter what,
I always get what I want
everything belongs to me
from the air you walk
to the ground you breathe
leave
this cursed town behind
you think you got problems, baby
get in line
I got my wheels spinning in the mud
this whole neighborhood is drenched in blood
I got vultures in my veins
bloody black flowers
in my brains
these rains ain't never gonna stop
if we get separated,
I'll see you at the top
I copped a bad reputation
from a hooker on the skids
it ain't what you never done,
baby,
it's what you never did
and you know that I love you,
but the last thing I need
around here is another arm to feed
so F you and your heroin,
get your teeth out of my arm
talking to you
is like talking to a fire alarm
she says kinda quiet
as she's taking off her clothes
we are all animals
in a world no one knows
we are all animals in a world no one knows

So look me up
if you're still alive
over the 5
and far away

Valentines dripping from my jaws
I don't need proof,
I got probable cause
the prosecution hasn't got a prayer
on the night in question,
I was never even there
Hey bailiff!
I'm thirsty!
Bring me a beer!
Just tell the court what you was doin'
when the money disappeared
well it ain't the way I wanted it
but I'll tellya how it went
I was getting loaded with your sister
smokin' all her rent
cuz down here everybody's holding
holding a lot more than a grudge
livin' in oblivion
and sleeping in the sludge
judge I'm tryna tellya,
I was just sitting in my car
when these 2 suspicious characters
walk out of a bar
one of 'em was bleeding,
and the other one was wet
carrying a gun
and a makeshift tourniquet
you bet your bottom dollar, babe
you're takin' off your top
naw man,
that dude drinks way too much
cum to be a cop
he's been sneakin' off to go tweekin' with the deacon
of the Puerto Rican church
all we need's a name
so we can start our search
well the street urchins
is lurchin' baby,
nurturing a buzz
I don't give a F but I'll give 20 bucks
to anyone who does!

So look me up
if you're still alive
over the 5
and far away

Slickin' back my feathers
I'm sicker than a fiend
he probly thinks he's being dangerous
think's he's being mean
that white boy cries so much,
you'd think he's giving birth
naw man,
everybody's worthless
when they're coming back to earth
I used to be afraid of it,
now I wear it on my sleeve
I absolutely hated it,
now I hope it never leaves
I can't believe what they done to you,
you used to be so nice
yeah I already know I'm a F-up,
you don't need to tell me twice
just meet me on the corner
of Hollywood & Vile
if we get separated,
I'll see you at the trial
while yer up,
get me a sandwich
and a prettier face
don't give me that much
I only want a taste
methedrine, marijuana,
heroin, and booze
I don't know about you,
but me I can't refuse
do what you wanna do
I don't wanna preach
just don't come back to me
crying when you reach
the end of your rope
the end of your run
just cuz we ain't happy don't mean we ain't havin' fun
my baby may be pretty,
but she sure as shit ain't true
she said, I can con anyone,
especially you
I can con anyone,
especially you

So look me up
if you're still alive
over the 5
and far away

The Hattenbacks are sleeping
where the freeway hits Vermont
that kid he's lucky
all he got was shot!
Call a lawyer if you got one
call a preacher if you don't
Maria used to keep her mouth shut,
but maybe now she won't
I don't remember anything
as usual I was drunk
walkin' like an Egyptian
and talkin' like a punk
Maria's in Koreatown
lookin' for a thrill
you ever get your shit together,
baby,
tell me how it feels!
Here's the deal,
I walk outta here
and no one makes a sound
I got enough ammunition
to buy everyone a round
I found out about this jewelry store
ain't never been hit
I got no doubt we can take it
for an even split
the guards are all sedated
and the cops are sitting ducks
follow me if you wanna make
an easy million bucks
if they catch us, we'll be famous
and if they don't,
we'll be rich!
just don't smile for the camera
and stop talkin' like a bitch
we'll be back in an hour
at the most,
2 or 3
tomorrow we'll be drinking
margaritas by the sea
just keep the engine running
and take off that yellow coat
be careful who you F with,
and be careful who you don't
she just waves her hand
and says,
baby nevermind,
it ain't what we're leaving with us,
it's what we take behind