Sociologists have many ways to measure the health of any given civilization. Economic data, birth-to-death ratios, employment numbers, and applause meters are all effective ways to determine the vitality of a group of people. While these mainstream sources of information are readily available, there is a lesser-known system for gauging a population's general health.
This is, of course, the Douche Condition.
The Douche Condition provides sociologists with relevant scientific data regarding the ratio of douchebags to normal people in a society. Most sociologists define "normal people" as anybody who isn't a douchebag; the broadness of this definition allows the sociologist to calculate an accurate estimation of the number of actual douchebags in society, instead of wasting time parsing the difference in Zoomer doomers with an artistic bent and Boomer normies who just want to be left alone to enjoy the football game. This deeply personal, highly ridiculous and radioactive information is fed into a slot machine in the basement of the Pentagon, which spins around in an amusing, suspenseful display of diamonds, bells, fruit, and numbers as it converts the data into a utilizable Douche Condition in real time.
Here is a screenshot from the Douche Condition machine deep within the subcutaneous basement levels of the Pentagon.
Yes, sociologists really have to pull the lever to make it work. It's an extremely scientific, mathematical procedure. The diamonds, bells, and fruit all represent different kinds of normalcy, and a perversion or inversion of the elements within the spinning equation allow the trained sociologist to compute a workable Douche Condition number to give the guys at the DefCon machine. The guys at the DefCon machine use the DoucheCon numbers to help them decide how close we are to thermulonukular war.
Here is a basic version of the Douche Condition chart, simplified and declassified for civilian mass-amusement.
As you can see, a civilization at DoucheCon 5 has virtually no risk of nukular annihilation. Humor and mutual respect are understood as basic, fundamental necessities for a peaceful coexistence, and because there are virtually no douchebags in society, it isn't necessary to explain why a peaceful coexistence is a good thing.
But when a population of douchebags increases, so do the dangers to society. Once cultural enrichment of various kinds is mandated, it isn't long before thinking is considered a part of cis-heterogenero, protonumerical oppression, and an eventual devolution into clown world and hardcore death, after which point equilibrium is brutally restored, math ceases to be racist, and pedophile groomers choke to death on the sulfuric ashes of an eternal destruction for which they seem to be genuinely begging.
Our civilization has been at DoucheCon 5 for decades. In fact, many scholars believe that it was the high DoucheCon level in American society in the early 1960s that allowed Kennedy to de-escalate the Cuban Missile Crisis. Instead of assuming a ridiculously-transparent tone of bullyish intimidation with reporters who dare to ask an honest question, while fumbling and stumbling around gay pride parades in search of little girls and ice cream cones to use as mules to funnel hundreds of millions of dollars through a corrupt puppet regime in Eastern Europe and hiring his son to make fake paintings which he can sell for exorbitant prices to black-market weapons contractors posing as Satanic performance artists in order to launder the proceeds, Kennedy was actually a pretty cool guy. A philanderer and a Catholic, perhaps, but a good president who kept the interests of his people at the center of his policies.
Many scholars believe that Kennedy may very well have failed to keep the Russians at bay, had the American DoucheCon levels been any lower than 5.
And it was a pretty close call, even then.
These days, though, we're screwed. After the 2016 presidential election, many irregularities were observed on the DoucheCon meters, especially in places like New York, San Francisco, and Washington D.C. It isn't necessary to make even the slightest effort at finding examples of widespread douchebag behaviour in American society since 2016. It was as though somebody threw the lid off a douchebag infestation nobody even knew was there, or uncovered a colony of willful tools, and society quickly escalated to DoucheCon 1, where we obviously are today.
According to the DoucheCon meter, this means it's time to assume a readiness level of "way too late," so that when "hell comes to breakfast," we are prepared for it.
If you want to know the blast radius that an infestation of entitled, easily-manipulated tools will create in your particular area, go to NUKEMAP and plug in your local DoucheCon number, and see what happens. Here's a map of San Francisco:
And one of New York City:
These models are ridiculously mild, but NUKEMAP only accounts for nuclear blasts, and not the social corrosion produced by an infestation of ungrateful douchebags. Just add a thousand miles or so to your blast radius, for a conservative estimate of the damage we've sustained as a society.
And if you're looking for a douchebag to supplement your bug-out supplies, go to Db Journey and get your very own douchebag. They are a Scandinavian company with top-of-the-line douchebags for every occasion, including dragging your last earthly belongings behind you on a sled as you travel into the bright, overlit fray, weeping furiously at your own stupidity for destroying the greatest civilization in the history of the world so you could win an optional, self-created argument about your non-existent sexual orientation with people who were fully willing to leave you alone to live your life as you saw fit.
It was pretty great. But you just had to be a douchebag, didn't you. Just had to destroy all that peace and humor and mutual respect to appease a handful of anemic lesbians who never had any respect for you anyway. Threw it all away, the greatest civilization in history, so you could jack off in the women's room and flash your junk to children. A legacy of failure, as pure and unbelievable as the deadly driven snow.
Loathsome and complete.
