"When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in any way
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors"
Help!

I have long been a great appreciator of Chick tracts, but the first time I saw "Big Daddy," I have to admit I rolled my eyes.  Not because it challenged my faith (or, God forbid, lack thereof), but because the topic seemed unnecessarily provocative.  The idea that evolution is a lie didn't seem as important as the realization that sin is the missing link, the nonexistent archaeological find that separates us from the animals.  Go to Heaven having doubts about the creation story in the book of Genesis if you have to, just go to Heaven.  You can't get there without being aware of your sin nature; with nothing to be forgiven of, there's nothing to repent of, and no need for salvation (forgiveness).  People on the street are much more likely to be aware of their own sin, than they are of any falsehoods that may exist in their cultural or educational institutions.  I know I wasn't ready for it, myself.  Walking down the street, hitting people with the falsehood of the evolution myth seemed to me like a missed opportunity, at the time.

Nevermind that the phrase "sin is the missing link" is founded on the notion that evolution is a lie, but I hadn't gotten there yet.  Even the cover art made me uncomfortable.  Nobody's grandfather, eating a banana, on a gospel tract.  How unspeakably ridiculous.

Then I started binging on Kent Hovind videos, and was completely blown away.  The creation/evolution question was never an obstacle for me; it has never bothered me that I might not understand everything about every nuance or scientific non-discovery in history... I did know I was a sinner, which was good enough for me.  I figured, somebody is wrong, it doesn't matter to me who it is, personally, and maybe I don't understand Genesis 1 anyway.  Do I have to?  Am I arrogant and self-righteous enough to demand total understanding of everything, before I take one step toward the door of truth?  At the very least, one step toward the door of the possibility that I might be at least partially wrong?  Even if only about one thing?  God forbid.  Maybe the days are literal 24-hour days, maybe they're metaphors for eons of time, and maybe the extent of my own personal Biblical exegesis can be summed up in a pop song.

Who knows?

But when I found Kent Hovind, something clicked.  Watching him wipe the floor with 3 intellectually-lazy, tenured petty deities is the intellectual equivalent of watching the 90s Chicago Bulls dance ballet around their opponents on the basketball court.  I have never been a basketball fan, but like Kent Hovind, the 90s Bulls are undeniable.  They were artists.  They actually made the game beautiful.  I'm secure enough in my masculinity to admit that figure skating is the only Olympic sport I'm interested in (and possibly diving), because it's actually art.  The 90s Bulls were like that.  It was like watching figure skating, or ballet.  It was amazing.

And I realize what it is that I'm a fan of.  I don't care if it's music, sports, or intellectual debate.  What I appreciate is beauty.  Not to the point that I'd prefer a beautiful deception over an ugly truth, but in the sense that, perhaps, at its core, truth is beautiful.  Fundamentally beautiful.

And deception is ugly, fundamentally, regardless of the mask it presents to the world.  The only thing beautiful about the deception is the lie that tempts you into believing it in the first place.  The untruth that tells you it is beautiful.  It isn't true, so, once the effects of that drug wear off, well... you know what you're left with.

We've all been there, at one time or another.

Here's my 15-minute musical exegesis on the subject, from the album Holy Smokes.  It is perhaps not as catchy or visceral as "Help!," but the song does exist in the transitional ground between The Beatles and Chuck Missler, a Christian intellectual heavyweight of the highest order.  If you're not familiar with him, look him up.

Thanks for listening.

Peacocks in the Mud

God in Heaven
before I start
I want to thank you
for healing my heart
if I’d never been broken
I’d never have needed any repairs
if I’d never been choken
I might never have come up for air

*     *     *

Many times I’ve doubted
am I for real?
is my heart really true,
or is this just how I feel?

are there any absolutes?
is there any give?
is this all we get?
does it matter how we live?

all the goody-good people
making the world a better place
need to open their eyes

you can clean up all the rivers
you can scrub & scrape the sky
but your heart will always be dirty
until the day you die

*     *     *

Lord I’m tired
of the wisdom of this world
it’s like a crown of cardboard
studded w/ imitation emeralds

and everybody wears one
almost all the time
I know they’re wearing theirs
cuz I’m clearly wearing mine

there is a way that seems right to a man
that leadeth unto death
it doesn’t matter if you turn right
or if you turn left

you might be a sinner
you might be a saint
Jesus is either comin’ back in time for dinner
or He ain’t

He was either who He said He was,
or He wasn’t
you might think it matters what you believe,
but it doesn’t

I believe the sky is blue
and moral certainty is grey
I believe it’s time to get to work
I believe it’s time to play

I believe the moon is a silver dollar
spinning on the back of a golden turtle
and that the earth was once a great athlete
who has long-since gone infertile

I believe the universe was formed
by a spontaneous explosion out of nothing,
though no such phenomenon has ever been observed,
I also know for sure that the Bible is bluffing

and I am undoubtedly superior to those lemmings
who suffer from unbelievable weakness of mind,
though Christ did not say BLINDLY BELIEVE,
but rather, SEEK, and ye shall find

I believe in the theory
of evolution
I believe you are the problem
I am the solution

*     *     *

We are obviously monkeys
I am totally convinced
even though no one has ever seen a frog
turn into a prince

no one has ever once observed the spontaneous
generation of life from non-living matter
no one’s ever seen a spoon turn into a knife
or a spleen turn into a bladder

maybe it took a billion years,
I guess we’ll never find out
but until you produce some demonstrable evidence
I will hold on to my doubt

the world of theories
that can not be tested
is the absolute opposite
of the scientific method

the lie is quite colossal
is science a game of musical chairs?
can you use the layers to date the fossils,
and the fossils to date the layers?

hasn’t carbon dating been completely inconsistent
from day one?
wasn’t Darwin a theologian?
isn’t he just the high priest of a religion?

*     *     *

All I wanna know is, if I blow my mind
do my kids get new ones?
if we’re constantly improving,
why does everything turn to dust
and ancient ruins?

could it be the trend of the world
is toward chaos & decay?
except of course in the heart of man
which gets better every day

history proves it
murder, rape, and greed are on a steep decline
and the desire to control others
has never been more sharply undefined

I guess we walked around for eons
in total harmony
until we evolved into kings & peons,
a civilized hierarchy

at which point everything went to hell
like never before
the monolith taught us how to kill
& go to war

I guess that means people are a virus
and the gene pool is actually a blender
which is supposed to inspire us
to surrender

to yet another group of control freaks
so informed & enlightened?
let me guess:
YOU’RE BAD,
AND YOU SHOULD BE FRIGHTENED

Gaia-worshipping green police
patrolling the streets
an ascetic life of carbon credits,
an indulgence to the priest

always for the greater good
the altruistic “other”
never for the father
always for the mother

matriarchal communists
who think you’re guilty if you breathe?
sounds like fun,
when do we leave?

the humanist religion
at its core, is a drag
denialistic, common nonsense
that likes to brag

if you really want to make the world
a better place
stop living under the law
& start living under grace

cuz everyone is guilty
and nobody is clean
not even if you’re friendly
no less if you’re mean

for God so loved the world,
He gave His only begotten Son
that whoever believes in Him should not perish,
but have everlasting life

if you don’t know what that means,
get on your knees and ask
look into the mirror
look behind the mask

I don’t need to see it
I’m a sinner just like most
saved by grace, not by works
lest any man should boast

for Christ did not come to save the righteous,
whose feathers are displayed,
attributes & crass achievements
on parade

I made everybody happy!
my mind is full of kittens!
my mat was pointed toward the east!
as it most certainly is written

I banged every chick I ever met
I’m dripping with confidence and drugs
I’ve got money flying out of my ass
on flowing Persian rugs

I’m incredibly prolific,
I am a consummate pro
I am the pimp of all creation!
adios (to God) I go!

oh no!

*     *     *

So we finally figured out fractals,
and quantum expressionist prose,
biomechanic valentines
and subconscious clothes

astrolithic haircuts,
paleoplastic shoes
self-immolating garbage cans
and gay Nazi Jews

with their pink stars of David
hanging upside down
surrounded by swastikas
of various shades of questionable brown

what is it all going?
where does it indicate?
who will it matter?
when do we wait?

where will we get there?
who will finally arrive?
why should I wear my seatbelt
if I am not alive?

*     *     *

With the brilliance of a dozen suns
suspended in gelatinous flame,
once you’ve experienced the blinding power of my hubris,
you will never be the same

even though no two trees have ever been alike
in the history of trees
almost no one gives credit
to the sculptor of these

and the sunset is a painting that moves
every day
in fact it’s being painted right now, somewhere;
it never goes away

& no two snowflakes have ever been alike
in the history of snow
I mean, could Picasso plant a paintbrush
in the ground & watch it grow?

could “Guernica” have spontaneously been painted
from a tiny seed?
could Michelangelo’s David
laugh, or cry, or bleed?

could Mona Lisa give birth
to a butterfly?
could she contemplate the universe?
or even blink an eye?

what we slave at to achieve an approximation,
God simply sets in motion
there’s just not enough willpower in the world
to drown the ocean

& if I had all the answers,
I wouldn’t ask the questions
maybe that’s the point
maybe it’s just a suggestion

I for one really need to learn the virtue of service,
and the blessing it supposedly brings
we’ve made ourselves into serfs
by turning ourselves into kings

& if there’s meaning to this life,
it’s probably somewhere in the blood
and if the human race resembles anything,
it’s a bunch of drunken peacocks
in the mud

©2013 Nathan Payne