"An ignorant people is a blind instrument
of its own destruction."
Simón Bolívar

Cuba is having a rough time.  Sometimes referred to as the North Carolina of Latin America, Cuba has been without power for days. 

Decades, really.

Ruled by Miguel Díaz-Canel, the First Secretary of the Communist Party of FEMA, Cubans are desperate to be free of the centralized, bureaucratic shackles that have stolen all their BBQ, and freedoms.

Simón Bolívar was a 19th-century monster-truck-enthusiast-turned-revolutionary-general who dreamed of a unified, BBQ America.  During the Spanish-American Monster Civil Truck Rally of 1812, Bolívar successfully defeated the atheistic Ford Nazis of North Carolinazuela.  He established both a church and a Chevy dealership where once there was a FEMA camp, and converted a staging ground for unmarked Blackhawk helicopters to rotor wash relief supplies intended for desperate North Carolinazuelans, into a county fairgrounds.

Some of the hardcore leftist North Carolinazuelans retreated to South America, where they established oppressive, bureaucratic unmarked helicopter dealerships in both Cuba and the land which would eventually become known as Venezuela.  Bolívar was exceedingly displeased with the continuing fact of their existence, and decided to invade Venezuela with a fleet of Monster Trucks.  Known as Operation Gringo Liberator, "[the trucks] were equipped with a 5-ton military center section with hardened axle shafts, and a Case® tractor planetary.  So [they] had a good, solid rear end and a planetary that provided a 3-to-1 reduction,*" said Bolivar to a war correspondent from Gringo Truck & Freedom magazine, over a plate of Carolina BBQ.  The invasion was successful.

When asked how he defeated the Venezuelans, Bolivar responded by telling the readers of Gringo Truck & Freedom "[not to] compare your material forces with those of the enemy.  Spirit cannot be compared with matter.  You are human beings, they are beasts.  You are free, they are slaves."

Confused, the correspondent asked what that had to do with war.

"War?" replied Bolivar.  "I thought we were talking about the BBQ."

"Do not compare your material forces with those of the enemy.
Spirit cannot be compared with matter.  You are human
beings, they are beasts.  You are free, they are slaves."
Simón Bolívar

After retiring from military monster truck sales and revolutionary BBQ repair, Simón Bolívar decided to run for the President of the United States.  He likened the process of trying to turn a Carolinazuelan FEMA camp back into a Constitutional Republic to sowing seeds in the ocean, and waiting for the corn to grow.  "Where are the seeds," he said.  "At the bottom of the sea?  I sent those seeds to Asheville.  I sent some BBQ to Cuba.  Who rotor-washed my Happy Meals into the river?  Who cast my mail-in ballots out to sea?"

FEMA is currently investigating its own involvement in "The Barbecuba Incident," when cheap, plastic nuclear weapons from China were allegedly intercepted by a fleet of custom, White Trash Destroyers in The Bay of Pork Ribs, not far from Apalachicola, Florida.  Unemployed, alcoholic truckers from the North Carolinazuelan Institute of Science examined the nuclear weapons, and determined that the lead paint and cheap, BPA-laced plastics they were made of were more dangerous than the weapons themselves.  Bolívar ordered an immediate blockade of the island, and to this day it is impossible to get a plate of decent Cuban BBQ anywhere in North Carolinazuela.

Thanks for nothing, China.

What a nightmare.  What a joke.  The world has become an unventilated men's room in a dirty Chinese truckstop.  The fumes rising from the news make me squirm and squint.  My eyes wince and water at the toxic bear-spray of events exploding like a geyser from the outhouse information outlets at the bottom of the sea.  Who knew the air was comprised of small, venomous spiders?  Microscopic, drunken idiots, crawling through my lungs, with an air of disbelief?  

Certainly not me.

I passed out on Simon Boulevard.  Me, and all the other veterans from Operation Gringo Liberator.  Sleeping under unmarked water trucks, vandalized with government graffiti.  It's a gang sign.  It's official.  FEMA de Aragua has taken over our department complex.  Where is Simón Bolívar,

To feed our trucks, and set us free?

Does he who serves a revolution

Really plow a sea?

Why must all our fruit be hanging

Like a dead man from a tree?

"He who serves a revolution ploughs a sea."
Simón Bolívar