I visited lebanon for a month.
After 3.5 years i was full of smiles and energy feeling the last days as a blessing with people i loved and still love.
I tried to speak but my words would echo in the nights flow with peoole around me and nobody to listen. I would come back to africa to a new country temporarily only to be heard by everyone.
My dreams of my country shake with drum beats of weddings and voiced by laughter and eyes that stared at me in a distandmt while discussing current affairs. Some people danced high on life and drugs while others drank their days away only to enjoy those nights that unite us for a fleeting nostalgia that would be mimicked by even the coordinators and caterers. Everyine had to be involved.
A dream would wake me up and my heart woukd beat until i heard it. A setting full of love and disdain it feels. A dream about a wedding where everyones hidden feelings revolted under the guise of love and let go if all their frustrations. A wedding if isolation towards a traveler only appreciating life and wanting to freely converse with it.
A night when i wake up to the wedding glory yet holding every ones frustration whose face i remembered in it. Clinging to me with every emotion that they could muster. Losing thrmeir tempers and rejecting me and everything i would represent.
I had already left but it seemed i had carried them with me Or from where i stand ,on the porch of a stranger calling me his friend, i havent let go.
An unnatural setting dazzled me with lights colors and music. A space filled with anger, sorrow and frustration. I had walked in high on life, broke in society and left broken by everything i wanted to reveal myself to.
I envisioned a strength in me not shared by others. A strength that hid from my a lot,even when my weaknesses grew.
A lot of work has presented me with my path under the guise of a love that brings everyones bottled up truths to me.
A dream of rage and anger. Shouting and crying. Drama and action. Fragile existence in a country completely dependant on outsiders. Brought with it the weight of walking in with a smile when everyone else borrows it temporarily when your around.
A dream of confusion and pain.none of it mine, but feel it just the same.
