A couple of years ago, one of my friends was in a very difficult work situation. She had problems with a co-worker who was critical. She laid a complaint against this lady, and the company called a mediator. There was no resolution. This was because her co-worker couldn’t take responsibility for any of her actions. Instead, she always believed it was my friend who was in the wrong.
This is what it means to break somebody down
The worlds which followed were quite haunting. I still think about them now. “I understand more about domestic violence now.” My friend said. “I understand how people become so trapped within a negative situation. How they believe the fault lies with them. It erodes your confidence and it makes it hard to confront a problem. Instead, you tiptoe around the person. You blame yourself.”
After my friend had made a complaint against this woman, she found out that it was not only she who was suffering. It turned out that many other people within the office were also having problems. They were too afraid to say anything. People who are very critical often leave others feeling cautious. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of harsh words for speaking out. While many people were facing challenges, everybody felt alone with them. They kept their feelings a secret and tried to please the person who was upsetting them.
She ended up losing her job
The woman involved had no real empathy for how my friend was feeling. She was unable to see the situation through her eyes. If confronted with this she would have denied it. Despite seeming to be very confident, her ego was too fragile to admit that she may be doing something wrong. She had to believe she was perfect, that she was able to get everything right, or she would collapse in shame. Because it wasn’t only my friend who felt this way, she ended up losing her job. She didn’t leave with grace but threatened to sue the company. She didn’t, but her threats were the last threads of power she could hold onto.
Abuse thrives in silence
When people are bad tempered, bossy or critical, it makes others nervous. People were afraid to challenge this lady because she would very critical. By speaking to others, we broaden our perspectives. This lessens the hold a bully or abuser has upon us. . Shared insights give clarity. This helps us recognise abuse of power.
My friend learned that it wasn’t only she who had a problem with this person. She learned that there was no solution. She couldn’t try negotiate with a person who wouldn’t take responsibility. This meant she was able to let go. Although she worried that her new manager might feel critical too, she was soon able to relax. No more criticism came her way once her colleague left the company.
Sometimes abusers are capable people
My friend was a very capable woman who was very good at her job. The company she worked at definitely wanted to keep her. This didn’t mean her abuser wasn’t capable though. Nobody was criticising her skills on the job. Instead it was her terrible attitude which made her unbearable. Abusers may have a wealth of knowledge. It is how they share it which becomes problematic.
If you are in a situation where you feel uncomfortable, start to talk about it. Share with friends, relatives or your partner. This will help you to get a clearer perspective. My friend spoke to her partner at first and was able to gain new insight into the situation. When she decided to lay a complaint, she had her colleagues support. While this doesn’t always happen, she was able to keep her job and her sanity.
Seek support
Once you’ve broken the silence, keep seeking support. Draw on the people around you to hold you up while you search for an effective solution. Very capable people sometimes find themselves criticized or bullied. Don’t blame yourself. Many unkind managers enjoy feelings of power over others. If you feel uncomfortable, trust yourself. Find a way to change the situation (and not yourself) by asking for help. Reach out. Those who care for you will help you to break down the abuser’s power over you.
