Recollecting my first posts on the blogosphere

By Sorenized | My Random Stories | 30 Mar 2021


 

If you're struggling to finish a post and that the draft has been sitting on your box for a while now, then think again. Is it the topic you like to write about? Do you find connection with what you are saying? Do you have the resources to finish it? If the answers to these questions are all no, then it's time to reconsider and just write from the bottom of your heart. This is my realization as a one year blogger now. Just like when you prepare meals for your family, it most of the time is very practical to use whatever you have in the kitchen. Good if you have more budget but if not, we have to be creative to do a way with whatever we have.

With that said, I would like to commemorate the time that I finally started blogging. During those times, I only managed less than one-minute read posts. But it was how I started and I have to be proud I'm progressing in this endeavor. I come to realize that we write easier as we go on.

Following are five selected posts that I wish to share. They were published around the same time last year with the very first written on February 24, 2020. Meantime though, I am doing some maintenance with the blog where these were originally published so I just copied them straight from my WordPress.com account. It is currently on 'Coming Soon' mode.

Without further ado, here they are. Enjoy!


1

  At the Junction

(This is my very first official post. Still finding my voice and trying to emerge into the open. It was very poetic. When I started, I originally wanted to simply write poems but I found out I also like 'blogging'-web logging.)

I was born and was raised. I crawled then I walked. And I walked on my own. I danced. I sang. I did many things. I reasoned out. I won and I lost. I tried many things. I lived! I dreamt of things! I had my passion! I shared. I was given. I had friends. My heart broke. I hurt others. Just like any other being, I had my aspirations. I imagined myself like someone whom I wanted to become. I travelled. I wandered and wondered! And time came, I reached the end. I was on edge. Or maybe, I just arrived at the junction... And at this junction starts a new journey!


2

  Of Huts and Shadows

When I was young, I dreamt of fancy things, like a couch, a fancy living room, a glamorous lifestyle, and so on. And I just sigh, I don't know why. Fast forward to these days, I delight whenever I see posts on FB that include pictures of my hometown. The old huts, the rather small houses, the unkempt children, bring me unsolicited comfort plus the memories of my childhood. Now I dream of going back to those days. No money problems, no fats, no stress. But I wouldn't dream of fancy things anymore. Just simple living would do.


3

 

AMIDST THIS PANDEMIC THEY CRY, “LET US OUT! LET US OUT!”

Amidst this pandemic they cry, “Let us out! Let us out!" They are pleading. And I could not contain them anymore. It seems out of place to be writing these but maybe not. My thoughts keep screaming like they would explode if not put into paper. One by one, let us try:

  • I was wondering, what if the most dreadful thing happens to me? Then I will have failed to have “My Kind of Math” completed. I’ve always been crafting something about this something which I have not yet started with something either way. So I will have to find a way in order to realize my life project. Though frustrated every time… My children whining for my attention. Students works which need marking and reading. Household chores that keeps bothering me. I have to plan it out the soonest!  

  • Writing is my thing! I just know it is! I know I’m not good enough, not yet. I still struggle for words, I lack the discipline. Still a novice, an amateur. I did not even enroll in a program about writing when I was in college. But I am! I am! I will find my way to show it.

  • Why is it that everytime I try to pen my thoughts, they escape me and I couldn’t seem to have them back. If not they are already jumbled and I could never seem to put them back together. Sitting here right now, I’m earnestly trying to word exactly what I thought I’d wish to write. But try as I may, I still get the words different compared to how I originally phrased them in my mind. But I will have to try and put them back. Like a paper in shreds which needs to be pasted together. I will be able to do it!

And now they’re out and about… “No more screaming,” I say to them. One by one they will come out. And they will have to queue as I need to figure out how to lay them out into the open. Because amidst this pandemic my thoughts cry, and I decided to let them out.


4

  DEAR GOD,

I have never asked for these kids but you have given them anyway.

Things just happened the way they did and so here I am, sometimes lost, sometimes bewildered…

It feels like everything that I do is never enough for them and even I admit that I have never been anything good with regards to rearing these youngs.

And so I ask these things so I may be able to at least do something right in being a mother of these children. Help me, God.

  • Keep them away from my anger, so they may be able to take refuge somewhere else safe;

  • Don’t allow them to be impoverished by laziness, over indulgence, pride, overspending, and the like;

  • Refine them from being boisterous, loud, and proud;

  • Guide them daily, so they may be able to discern wise from unwise;

  • Let them befriend wisdom;

  • Help them learn cleanliness and orderliness;

  • Make them appreciate all the simple things in life, that they may take a break from gadgets, televisions, and many more; and

  • Last but the greatest, take care of them and make your word and glory known to them, but never testing them, only delivering them from evil as was said in the formula prayer that you taught your disciples, Lord.

These I ask of you, my Dear God, my saviour, my provider, my everything.

Amen.

P.S.: Have I ever thanked You, Lord, for giving them to me? Thank you for these little ones. Them three (DEXTER, DAVIES, DENISSE). Sweet little creatures who came from my womb (2011, 2016, 2019).


5

  Remembering Promises

Please allow me to write this post. Ignore the redundancies as I will be saying quite a lot of similar words or phrases over and over.

Few years back (2013) I remember how I asked rather desperately for a teaching job. Back then, I recall how I promised lots of things the moment I landed a job at a university. I begged Him to give me that position and I will do everything in order to secure it and keep it.

I knew how it felt to be cast away from something you always wanted. I was not given a second chance for the job I had back then. I know that was the reality of it all and I shouldn’t take anything personally. I know that full well. I believe I was so young and innocent back then about almost everything that I almost didn’t know anything about what I was doing. And so I really did promise myself that once I secured the position I was applying for back in 2013, I will do my job very very well. With passion, with all that I have, my expertise, any good quality I possess that I could capitalize on…

And for God’s grace, I got the position! I became the happiest ‘child’ on earth. I immediately went shopping for formal clothes, studied really diligently the history of the school, I consulted dictionaries, googled things I wished to understand more, and so on. I went to the final interview and I felt very good with all the compliments I got from Ma’am Nene. The school became my ‘therapy’ and I genuinely felt very happy everytime I entered the university.

Then again, major events continue to change our lives.

Year 2016 came second baby boy.

Fast forward to 2019 came baby girl.

In a matter of few years I became a mother of three.

Then life hits hard at times that I just wish to run away from everything, from work, from adulthood, from financial obligations, save being a full time mom for my baby (and her older siblings). I know, I know, I know. I know that these are all part of life but still, I feel very emotional at times. I would shout at home, throw tantrums, become really violent, and so much more to mention.

I went through a rough cycle of this and that. Only I knew what I was feeling.

But God is so gracious that I was continually pulled back from oblivion to the path of life.

Everytime I forgot, He makes me remember.

Everytime my feet diverge away from the right way, He modifies my formula.

And everytime I wish to run away from everything, He knows just what to do.

Now, I am regenerating, if not renewing, my enthusiasm that I had from the years back and I think it is high time I really lift all my worries to Him.

He alone can solve all our troubles.

He alone can make our problems go away.

I will remember all the promises I’ve sworn to myself during those times I was asking for ‘that’ position in the university I am working now. I really really need to feel that ‘something’ which I’ve always felt during my earlier years in the school.

Let me remind myself that I love my job ( I really do) and nothing could stop me from doing so. Not the demons of these times. Not my hubby, not my children, not my indulgence on the easier things, not my self-proclaimed what-you-may-call-it, etc.

I will revisit the child in me and bask in the pureness of her motives during the times she was just that and just dreaming.

I will renew what needs to be, regenerate what may have been lost, and remember all the promises I’ve said to myself to keep.


P.S.: I am currently re-growing another self-hosted site but most of the things I write or to be written there are reflections and Math-related topics. It is intended for long term use. I also will integrate my very first posts that you have read above after I do some more necessities for profit purposes. You may visit me at zerlin.website.

Thank you so much for reading!

 

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My Random Stories
My Random Stories

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