Mom Story: Guilt
Written on March 17, 2021
Originally published at read.cash (deleted) then at zerlin.website
I checked my son in bed a while back and I was at first mad because he was sobbing. But then the sobs became cries until he finally broke down and told me so many things that I should have known when he was little.
I was very much bothered by his sudden break down as it was the first time in a very long time that he cried.
He just reached age 10 last January. The last time I witnessed his tantrums was when he was maybe 7. He has two younger siblings so I think he was acting really a responsible older brother to the two.
While he was crying, he told me that all those times in grade 1 until 3, he was always bullied. 'Bullied' was the term he used so I panicked immediately. Then he went on to recount how his classmates made fun of his meal because it was not the sort of fried chicken meals. They threw things at him, always hit his stomach and passed his bag from one classmate to another. They also let him do their errands even if they never did errands for him. And so on and so forth.
My first reaction of being mad to being panicked until finally I felt grateful for what he has shared even though there is a very big part of my soul that felt guilt for everything that has happened to my son. I know I know... And there were times that I promised myself to make it up to him when things will be better but it was only until tonight that I remembered all those promises of making time for him and .
Back when he had no siblings, we were like just enjoying our lives. He was the sort of happy baby, you know. When he woke up at night instead of crying he smiled at us. Save those nights when he was sick and all. Nonetheless, most of his baby days were a happy time for both of us because though I was jobless back then, we were very much together always.
It was until he turned 3 that I resumed my job and things has never been the same again. Fast forward, I really was not able to be with him when he was in grades 1 to 3 and we rented a service to get him home after school. I always knew for a fact or rather I've had some sort of feeling of what he was going thru but I always postponed making up to him.
Even though it was only after many years before he opened up, I am still very grateful he shared those to me tonight. This guilt I have always felt before, thanks to this night at least we're getting them all out. We embraced each other and I kept comforting him for all those that happened to him, told him I was very very sorry that he had to keep it to himself for a very long time.
I thank the Lord for this night because I suppose I realized some of my mistakes as a mother. I should have been more attentive to his needs. Forgive me but I have to cut my story here. I do hope that to all mommies out there let us be more careful how we regard our children. Let's love them with all that we have and really make huge time for them.
I thank you all for reading my story.
Here are our throwback photos. Enjoy viewing.