I have always admired the great thinkers of the world. Those few individuals who lived their lives in such a way that they inspired countless others even long after passing from their lifetimes.

I once spent time visualizing myself as someone who wished to be one of these kinds of visionaries. Someone who was capable of living my life in such a way that I would inspire the world. My dreams sometimes seemed to be too fantastic to become a reality for me. Despite how much I loved to imagine being a great world leader these hopes seemed to fade more and more as years passed by and childhood passed into adult life.

My teenage years were a bit awkward, like for most people, finding your place in high school seems like a story that never changes. A breaking point in my life came about in my teen years. I had gotten into some fights in school, been suspended, and had made threats against myself and others. I was never someone who sought attention but when some relationship I had took rough turns I fell into periods of depression which led to me taking an entire bottle of over the counter pain relievers. After I spent a night at the hospital the doctors had sent me to an in-patient facility for teens who were suicidal or had other mental disorders. I remember sitting in a group therapy session in the day room when a guest psychologist came to visit. The words that echo through my memory to this day is that of: “A grandiose thought process” ,he repeated this phrase many, many times. One of the patients was describing their aspirational dreams of fame, fortune, and an extravagant life, when the guest psychiatrist quickly interrupted him and told him that these kinds’ lofty ideals were that over-blown sort of delusional thinking that was a kind of unhealthy and unproductive way of coping. This memory has stuck with me as it was a good example of what it is like for many people to grow up in this world. The fantastic dreams of living a life as an astronaut, or an actor, or renowned author coming face to face with the so called “Real World”. An aspirational ideal shot down by someone who just didn’t think it was possible. 

My ideal for coming to the College of Metaphysics for this week will be: “ I am a visionary creator capable of manifesting any dream that I desire through the process of relentless dedication and  unbounding love .” This ideal is what I want to work on for the purpose of finding out who I really am. I have imagined myself as a musician, an actor, an athlete, an author, and in countless other ideals for many years. I believe what I lack is the courage to see any of these dreams through to the end. I have often considered some of the struggles in my own life to be impossible problems , but when the time came necessary I conquered the seemingly impossible through the power of a productive imagination willing to see a possibility in the improbable odds. What I did not realize for a long time was that I have been caught up in reactionary mentality. I realize that I have only been reacting to what comes up in my life and not coming from a place of direct action to the ideals I have held in fantasy. This year is the last year that I want to live in reaction. I want to move to a higher form of thinking that is an active process of continually moving towards my desires, rather than reacting to the fear of not being able to survive. I want to thrive in a stronger way. I want to actively chase the dreams that I let fall away from me. I want to conquer all the doubt that has held me back. I want to become my most capable self. 

    This is my second year coming for the week as a college student. I have grown in so many ways over the past few years, but I know that I also am holding on to many outdated beliefs that no longer serve me. I talk to my own students about how our weekly class is a period of rejuvenation. That every class we have has an inspiring and reinvigorating effect of the mind. Coming to the College sometimes feels like coming home. I have frequent dreams of being here. These dreams serve as a reminder of this magical place that I never imagined could exist in a world such as the one I was born into, and yet here we are. I am so grateful the be here again, with those people who wish to dream of a better world and a more fully realized Self.