So, if you haven't noticed the title of this blog (not Lord Weelon's Blog, Magic and Lasers), you'll know that I am a fan of science fiction. Before I got to know you fine people and became marginally-internet-notable, I was a writer of science fiction and science fiction accessories. On my own blog. That nobody read at all.
THIS WAS IT. This was the humble beginning of my blogging "career". Enjoy. You'll be the fifth or sixth to read it. Awful stuff.
IN ANY CASE, The blog, like this one, was called Magic and Lasers. Why? It's the metric by which I simply divide all science fiction and fantasy.
Does it have magic? Fantasy.
Does it have lasers? Science Fiction.
In any case, this is a small offering of science fiction I wrote recently while baked off my asshole. It's an inspirational twist on the original story "They're Made Out of Meat" By Terry Bisson
They're Mainly Composed of Water
"They're strange." Djzurrak 17 conveyed while observing its macroscope.
Tzgeength 49 redirected a his entire array of optical spiracles toward Djzurrak. "What do you mean?" the being replied.
Djzurrak turned a couple spiracles from the macroscope. "See, spectroscopy and living subject samples seem to confirm one fact: they are 70 percent water."
Tzgeength and Djzurrak's species lacked a "look of surprise" and instead expressed this particular psycho-biological state with a flurry of bioluminescent shapes on their carapace. At the moment, Tzgeength's carapace lit up like a Christmas tree.
"Wait a damn minute," Tzgeength conveyed, "You're telling me that these... 'humans' as they call themselves, mostly consist of the most abundant triatomic molecule in the universe?"
Djzurrak, lacking a physiological mechanism for nodding, confirmed Tzgeength's previous conveyance with a series of terse, but bright shapes along the sides of its carapace.
For a moment, both beings conveyed nothing to each other, processing the information far more slowly than humans, but much more comprehensively than humans are capable of doing.
Tzgeength was the first to rouse itself from its biologically mandated reverie, and conveyed first. "There are no known reactions which water is capable of producing self replicating signatures! How is that even possible?"
Djzurrak took a moment longer, then roused as well. "I know. Apparently the water here is at an optimal temperature and pressure to stay in a mostly liquid state. The bits that float around within the liquid appear to be culprit."
Tzgeength lit up in the equivalent mental state of dumbfoundedness. "The bits in the water?"
"Yes. Apparently that's how most of their physiological chemistry works. Liquid water, held in a specific place via the bits! I have never seen it before, even on liquid inundated planets. It is almost..."
"Like the liquid is intelligent." Tzgeength finished for Djzurrak.
At this point in their conveyances, there was a sudden onset of contradicting scenario visualization between Tzgeength and Djzurrak that lasted for approximately 35 minutes. If the subsequent mental states were to find their analogue in human emotional structures, it would be humor. Absurd humor. Like a firefighter catching on fire.
Recovering from its humorous affliction, Djzurrak conveyed, "that makes no sense at all. Consider the following: I looked through several of their cultural and economic databases. Primitive stuff. They apparently distribute small amounts of liquid water in containers. They name them in many different ways. One of these is called, 'Smart Water'."
Stifling another humorous affliction with some difficulty, Tzgeength conveyed, "so they distribute portions of themselves in small containers for others to consume?"
"Not at all," Djzurrak conveyed, "It is purified uncontained, non-sentient water intentionally contaminated with trace minerals. Like how they began..."
Tzgeength couldn't contain the affliction. The corresponding lights shone brightly on its carapace. Djzurrak "yhummped" in deference to Tzgeength's mental state, and made colors that roughly translated to exasperation.
"Please reorganize your thoughts. This is a matter of importance," Djzurrak conveyed. "What are we to convey to Central Control on this matter?"
Tzgeength turned its attentional state completely from his data panel. "Not a damn thing, I suppose. Last time a paradigm shift occured, Central Control became just 'Central' for several rotations. Do you want that to happen again?"
In a flurry of light, Djzurrak considered this most recent conveyance. After a moment of hesitation, Djzurrak conveyed in turn, "I suppose not. I'd rather keep my current status as a scientific analyst on this vessel."
"Then it is settled," Tzgeength conveyed, "This planet is merely one of billions, more are closer and much more noticeable planets in proximity to the Galactic Center. Another venture team will eventually notice this planet and decide to publish these results to Central Records. We will not. I presume we are of one mind?"
"I already cleared the observation caches." Djzurrak conveyed.
"Good," Tzgeength replied. "Because I would not wish to be at the behest of the Central Council. Imagine trying to explain that intelligent water exists, and has something to convey to the universe."
At this point, it would be natural to deduce another bout of humorous affliction, but that did not happen. Instead, they both glowed slowly, in what can be approximated as "anxious aversion".
"Who would try to communicate with water, anyway?" Djzurrak replied.
"Water? What do you mean?"
Catching the subtlety of the illuminations of its carapace, Djzurrak perceived Tzgeength's hint. Without response, Djzurrak manipulated some controls, their vessel entered Jump Speed and blipped out of existence.