I feel so helpless sometimes, unable to decide which way to lead myself when time comes to choose. I want everything and everyone but there is as only room as there is needs. And wants really mean nothing if they are not a necessity.

But I feel I am sane enough now to not involve others in my insane thoughts. Having said that, there are times when I spill the cup and tell some of my closest people and essentially ruin their happy time too and I am guilty of that, not proud of it but I am blessed to have such people who, after listening to my shit story, have not given up on me yet.

I have been unemployed for nearly 2 years now and I don’t know how my family is managing everything including taking care for my needs especially my brother. Feels like he is the only one taking care of the family. I have seen him giving up his own needs so he could get together this family and I don’t want to be a burden to him or the family. So I want to do something, at least to take care of myself and my wife so he does not have  to worry about us.

I HAVE EVERYTHING AND I HAVE NOTHING.

I tried freelancing writing and trust me it was one of the best ways I could earn but then again I got bored soon to carry on regularly. I do write today as well but not as many and not as often as I used to.

WHY AM I SO LAZY LAID BACK PIECE OF SHIT?

If not anything, this writing gig at least helped me to have some dime on my pocket and fulfill some of my needs.

I WANT TO CHANGE BUT I AM ALSO RESISTING IT IN SOME WAY.