And Spring has sprung!! Went for a lovely long walk with my children today... Blue skies, no breeze and a full 14°c...
Hardly hot, but warm and nice to feel the sun on our skins. Saturday mornings are often very lazy for us, getting up and out for 10am was an achievement and I think the first time for months that we've been able to do this. It's either been too cold, my knee hasn't been great or we've not been together (at their dads').
We had some great conversations too... My eldest, my son, who came out as trans last year (and has been through the mill somewhat in terms of coming out, going through puberty anyway and all that brings, and constantly having to explain himself because, he wears dresses and theatrical make up a lot and many folk find the idea of transgender identity hard enough to deal with, nevermind the openness and willingness of trans youth to not be clipped by normalised definitions of gender).
He spoke at length about his feelings on his sexual orientation identity now. He had previously categorised himself as lesbian, then bi sexual, and now as a boy, he is unsure of what any of it means. He isn't interested in finding another boyfriend or girlfriend right now and isn't looking to define himself but is aware others may feel a need to. He is curious about if he will be a gay boy if he has a boyfriend... His last boyfriend couldn't handle that and refused to acknowledge he was trans, always called him by his dead (female) name. We spoke for sometime on this...some of this was old information I already knew, but some of it was new. I so appreciate being let into his world, for too many reasons to name really, but one of them being it is just so incredible to hear him talk in this way... He is teaching me new stuff, about the world and him.
Then there is my youngest, who is just building up to puberty... I can see it in how her moods have changed in this last few months, the different way she smells, her general energy, and her skin...
she spoke for a while about how she wonders is she will have girlfriends or boyfriends when she is older. She said she doesn't care but thinks it might be girlfriends but can't be sure. Also said she is pretty sure she feels comfortable being a girl, although qualified that by adding that she hates pink and isn't interested in make up. I didn't want to point out to her that her top that day was pink... I think she idolises her older brother and maybe is looking to him for inspiration in many ways... It's lovely to see but I also know she will find her own way and path. She is like a little mini version of me in many ways; passionate, heart on sleeve, over thinks things... I love that even at 9 she is able to hold court and engage in these deep conversations...
I then admitted to them that I have a crush on my physiotherapist at the hospital (have had for a few months), and that my intention is to try to ascertain if he is married/partnered or not. I get the feeling the feeling (chemistry) is mutual, but yea, you never know in these scenarios and I won't be THAT Woman, ie the type of woman that doesn't care if a man is married or not. My ridiculous attempts at quasi flirtation (including painting my toenails, shaving and oiling my legs before each sessions) would need to stop if he is basically. My kids thought it was all very hilarious. Wanted to know what he was like, why I liked him. "How can you know you fancy him when he's wearing a face mask and in a hospital uniform?" bla Bla Bla... Chemistry, as I tried to explain to them, is not really to do with what someone looks like, more often it's what they smell like, how much you connect with your eyes and the words, ideas, thoughts, feelings you communicate to and with each other. I had to accept though that potentially the fact that he is the only adult male I have any contact with currently (Pandemic lockdown), and due to the scenario being somewhat intimate (as physiotherapy is), perhaps this crush is simply borne of isolation and feeling a little bit lonely. They were concerned... "why are you lonely mama, you have us..." at which point we all hugged and I reassured them that I wasn't lonely, how could I be with them in my lives, but that whereas they got to go to school and see their friends, my social contacts had been dramatically cut, as it has for most adults, and that sometimes, as adults, we need that particular type of adult company... That of friends, but also (and its been a while for me) the type of adult company that goes beyond friendship... They went coy at this point and said "muuuummmm! Stop it!" haha, embarrassed them slightly.
Many folks wouldn't talk to their kids about their crushes... Would see it as inappropriate or too adult a topic for kids. Not wanting their kids to view them in 'that light', but you know what, I also know many folk whose kids don't let them in to the inner recesses of their minds and world. And I feel privileged to have that relationship with my kids and from a safety perspective, as parents we NEED to know what, as much as possible, is going on for them. Open communication is a 2 way deal and I think my kids appreciate me talking to them about stuff that is going on for me, whether it's work, love, friendships or my health and that way they know that open discussion is the norm, is always there as an option and that no one gets judged, it's just a chance to share what is going on for us and be heard...and understood. That feeling of being heard and understood is pretty grounding and although many folk comment on how fiery and creative and often loud me and my kids are, we are all pretty grounded characters.
Peace and out
