In response to international poetry day on Sunday just gone (21st March) and also my last post, here is a poem I wrote a few years ago... The Awakening part 5... Yes, that means that 4 came before it. The first 3 I wrote 25 - 20 years ago about a love affair that spanned more than a decade. And one in which we never had a proper relationship... Just maintained an unhealthy closeness and connection, from which I wondered, quite consciously, if I would ever awake. That situation 20 odd years ago was symptomatic of the unhealthy attachment I had to my father I think. Experiencing abuse and neglect (a lack of care) throughout my formative years and because of that, desperately seeking it in the men I chose to love...in all the wrong places. Places I would not only never get it, but would just be used, abused. This is how the cycle of violence works. He never physically hurt me, but mentally and emotionally... It was toxic.
This poem. Number 5, along with number 4, were about my most recent experience with love. I find it hard to accept that in some ways, it was a repeat. Not in others. He was, is, a better man than Mr 20 years ago but still bought out the same side to me. Giving,/feeling/giving until I burnt myself to a crisp.
I sometimes wonder if I am capable of falling in love again. And then other times; like when I read back over all 5 of these poems, I think... I'm not sure I want to ever fall in love again...because maybe I don't know how to serve myself, maintain myself when I'm in love. Maybe my heart automatically picks lovers that, by virtue of who they are, will always hurt me. Maybe my version of love is self destruction, so maybe I should just steer clear... Maybe... Who knows...
THE AWAKENING (part 5)
And a silence lies between us
Like a dog without a name
Dribbling
Carnivorous
With neither glory
Nor seeking fame.
In heat
Mouth cut voluptuous
Claws are bird like
Dug in deep.
Into the void of
Utter wordlessness
Our stupid mouths
They dare not speak.
And this twilight stops us seeing
What we both
Know to be true.
Deliberately
Protecting we
Against the potential of this hue.
In greyness
We stumble forwards
Avoiding facts and solid proof
Of a realness
That is painful
To all connections
Blind and mute.
So hide amongst your treetops
I'll force my feelings back to sleep.
We (my love) yet again
Dare. Not. Speak.
How many times have we been here?
Fear shouting louder
Than our hearts.
Both so protective
Of the validity
For seeking stability
In this dark.
How many times have you
Run hiding
Away from all your hopes and fears?
Locked your gardens
When they're in blossom
Wiped away
Inertia's tears?
Oh deary me...
You are too terrified to speak.
And death darling is no parenthesis
Though this park may be inert
My flowers bloom in Spring time
And are set in fertile earth.
I'll tie a ribbon round each tree trunk
I'll stoop down low
From Valley's drink
To me, this landscape's
Too familiar
I feel it hard yet do not think.
But the hope I've found inside me
Shines a light on pastures sweet.
I am breathing
I am healing
It makes sense (now) not to speak.
"... I know why that caged bird sings... I know why..."
