The beginning of this year (as was last) has been fairly shambolic in numerous ways. January is always a tough month; it's cold, dark, we're skint, often not feeling at our peak of fitness too (due to excesses at Christmas or simply just winter lethargy) and it seems a long fucking way to Spring.
This year, to add to that standard January feeling, we also have a few other issues; the pandemic (surging deaths, poorly managed by most of our governments), a sense of isolation from the restrictions we are having to live under to curb the rise in cases, many folk are not just a bit skint, but living in poverty, the world seems even more politically unstable than it did last January (US Capitol terrorist attack, the struggle everywhere as we realise how utterly racist the world we live in is, BLM and the increase in far right groups, everywhere) and of course there is the impending doom that is THE ENVIRONMENT - climate change. Did I miss anything??? Oh yea, Brexit 😂 how could I forget that. There are many, many other issues going on too, but the point is, we all have way more reasons to feel like shit than we normally do anyway in January.
For me personally, add to that my knee operation, which although recovery is going to plan, still renders me pretty immobile and the pressure of trying to train as a teacher under all of the above conditions. It has been exasperatingly tough.
I am too busy in my life to be or feel lonely...my life is just too ram packed to have space to think let alone make room for someone, so I'm not entertaining or romanticising those thoughts really. I also have good friends that I speak to regularly and family, but yes, living as a single parent in these conditions is hard... In just so many ways. Having the regular, close and intimate proximity to another adult being but one.
One of my highlights in the week currently is going to see my physiotherapist. It is not only beneficial to me physically, healing wise, but... It's just nice to get out and see another human being (other than my kids) and not be in my house. It has been a point of amusement for me that... I find him, my PT, quite attractive, and this is despite not being able to see his face fully because of the mask situation and despite him wearing the deeply unattractive NHS Standard issue wear. There is still something really alluring about him; his eyes, his voice and his general manner. It's pathetic I know, I feel a bit like a teenager with a crush, but come on. When you don't get out much and your 1 main point of contact is with an attractive man whose job involves touching you gently but firmly on the thighs, saying comforting things and, well, who just smells so good, it's hard to not have a flush of... excitement...
My appointment the other day has been playing on my mind quite a lot because that relatively innocent flush of excitement slipped not so gently into something a bit more visceral. It occurred to me that perhaps coming off morphine (which I had been taking for my knee and stopped taking on Monday) has given me back some... connection to my inner self, ie that slight flicker of excitement turned into full on arousal and although nothing happened, I was half wanting something to, or perhaps just simply feeling that particular awkward tension when you really fancy someone and they are in close proximity. I imagine my pupils had fully dilated and my skin was warm to the touch... In another sort of situation, perhaps I would have kissed him, or made some kind of physical move, my body and mind were primed for that but it was about as far from appropriate as one could get, so I just held my place :-)
I have never had that kind of Dr/Patient fantasy really...smacks too much of weird power imbalances and rape fantasies (if you know what I mean) but the interaction we had this week in our session has sort of inspired a lot of fantasies of that kind; involving him. Nice to feel... In touch with my body in that sense again (been a while) but Shit! What will it be like when I have to go back and have my appointment with him next week?? It will feel massively awkward knowing he has played such a vivid role in my mind in the previous week and...truth be told, I don't think that excitement/arousal was just one way either... To be clear. No. I'm not about to start having an affair with a random man I actually know nothing about (he's probably married for a start! And no, I don't do shit like that, always been an immediate no no - do unto others as you would have them do unto you etc) but there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a crush and thoughts, however uninnocent ...but I did get the distinct impression that my little crush could be 2 way. Something about the way his eyes tried to avoid me, yet I could see he was smiling and... I think there is a certain smell people give off when they are attracted to you, something primeval and animal perhaps, and I've generally been quite correct at picking up on this throughout my life. I suppose this is what I call chemistry. When 2 people give that smell or pheromone off at that same time... It creates a kind of electricity that is hard to ignore, and awkward when it is in such an inappropriate situation as this :-)
As I said, nothing at all untoward happened. The only slightly risque point was when he suggested my tights needed to come off so he could get to my knee, and as I stood up from the treatment bed he didn't immediately leave the cubicle, so I just took them off and continued to hold his gaze. He went bright red then turned away, as I obviously had to hoist my dress up to get them off... Bad practice on his part? (I think a lot of Dr's or practioners would have left me to undress) Or simply me not quite being as coy as most women? (I think a lot of women would ask to be left alone). Either way, he looked seriously ruffled by this but it set the tone for the rest of our appointment and what ensued is what I can only call some very, very low level and subtle flirtation. Which yes, was deeply exciting.
Haha... I know... In a barren landscape, the merest drop of water can feel like a river to the thirsty. But it was nice to wet my whistle as such. Even if only momentarily....
The moral to the story... Ffs! The world is hard out there. Celebrate each and every flicker of excitement you get. Whether you live at home with your long term partner and they cook summat special, suggest a new 'game' or just compliment you in a way that resonates, or its a long distance email romance you're having with an ex from 10 years ago, cos your lonely, or a random flirtation with a (virtual) stranger. Take those flickers where you can and use them to create a warmth and sustain yourself through these hard times...