Dear Woolworths,

In reference to the product I purchased from you in the naïvety of my youth, that being middle age - er, I want my fucking money back. On the grounds of it being missold. I was led to believe life would be settled, calmer and I'd know who and where I was. More fucking poignantly, where I was going. None of the above boxes have been ticked and I am (it would appear) heading, if not in the midst of, that hallowed time of life. I feel, in some ways, more in flux and turmoil than I did at 18 or even 25 (and 25 was a pretty dire year).

I'm confused...does middle age occur after a mid life crisis or does a mid life crisis occur amidst? I think I'm having one, and although I'm currently referring to it as an existential crisis, I'm gathering that's just a fancy name. Everyone I know seems to be having one (it's very fashionable darling) and, I've checked and read over the small print a 1000 times and you didn't mention that anywhere. The Marks & Sparks middle age package mentioned a brief period of adjustment and it was also more expensive, hence me going with you Woolworths, so I assumed, wrongly, that it would be a smooth passage. I think I want my money back...I think a lot folk do... This is not what I paid for!

I'm confused, about who and what I am. Find myself inexplicably drawn towards things, people, places, haircuts, objects that I think will add meaning and then - they don't. I push people away, am still changeable and erratic, I have even less capacity to hold my tongue and, to make it worse, my sex drive has done the opposite of decrease. You said it would! You added that as a negative actually. At the point I bought it, I saw that as a positive because, Good Lord that takes up a lot of energy and is distracting. I was looking forward to a reprieve. You lied Woolworths. I WANT MY MONEY BACK!

I understand that you've now gone out of business (probably lost all your money being taken to court by people like me, angry at missold middle age) but I just needed to say my piece. Middle age is not, seemingly, about being settled and feeling calm; content and cosy, it's about feeling a raging fire deep within you to find the right path before... it's too late...aghhhh! Too late for what I wonder...too late for happiness, to have the energy to keep shifting gear? Mmm...

Yours Ms gonna be 44 next birthday and wondering what's next.


Dear Ms gonna be 44 next birthday and wondering what's next.

We are sorry you feel let down by our mid life package you purchased 20 years ago. If you refer to paragraph 6 it does state that;

<this package works slightly differently for different people and if you don't fit the spec of our standard individual then you will not get the prescribed outcome. It needs to be varied in accordance. Fluctuations and anomalies may occur in those pre disposed to free thought and prone to creativity.>

Your existential crisis therefore, may be a product of your not fitting the spec of a standard individual and being prone to creativity. Perhaps you should have worked harder to conform in your youth? No money will be returned but we can offer you this free calender from 1994 featuring weather.

Kind Regards

Madame Woolworth


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(S)llew la Wulf
(S)llew la Wulf

Yet another artist screaming (colourfully) into the void. I like to dance. I write. I do self portraiture and i draw... I cover topics ranging from racial bias to female sexuality to capitalism to rape culture and of course, love ❤️


Some of my more political writing and art...

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