ECCENTRICITY AND THE BLACK ROSE

I had a conversation with a close (black) friend recently that went something like this;

Me - "it is so much easier/more acceptable for a white person to be left of centre than it is someone of colour..."

Friend - "EXACTLY!!!!" With much more enthusiasm than i was anticipating... like I’d hit a nail firmly on the head for him.

I could leave the conversation there but that’s not really my style :-)

It also reminded me of a conversation i had with another friend, a white female friend a few years ago, when discussing the idea of living in the countryside (which she does). I said i would find it hard in that kind of environment being surrounded by mainly white faces and would find sticking out in that way uncomfortable... her response was that she felt people were quite accepting where she was, that she herself was non conformist in a multitude of ways (which she is , beautifully) and that she is accepted as part of the community... i couldn’t express it fully at the time, cos it’s only in the last few years since then that I’ve fully come to understand what i now do... that it is easier...more palatable...more socially acceptable for white people to exist outside their boxes (and still be viewed, seen for WHO they are) than it is for a person of colour. She did add on that the only family of colour in her village didn't seem to be as accepted as her but still couldn't square that circle in her mind. 

That may be a shocking or surprising or even banal statement to make for some folk, but it underpins a lot for me, in regards stuff I’ve found difficult in life. Because i do not conform to a stereotype and i think people tend to feel safer with stereotypes and a level of perceived predictability.

When i were a yoot, and i was experimenting with punk rock, skater rock, ‘alternative’ music and styles... there were not a huge amount of non white folk on that scene. There still aren’t really in Nottingham, but not only is the mix better but with social media and online niche communities, it has also become easier for young non white folk to express all aspects of their persona and feel part of a community, even if it’s not immediately represented in their local club.

At one point i had mid length blue dreads, hairy bleached armpits, wore ripped tights, oversized docs, rarely washed and tops that were equally tight as my skirts were short... music wise i like grunge, rock, blues rock, emo rock, hip hop, trip hop, electronica, reggae, soul, funk and ska... yes, eclectic but it felt very much like i was on the fringes (not fully accepted) in any of those worlds...

I remember going out to the Marcus Garvey Centre (in Notts) with a mixed race guy I’d hooked up with... he knew what my style was but seemed disappointed that i wasn’t gonna change it to suit the event... ie i didn’t really fit in style wise with his yardie mates... and i didn’t. One guy stated that i had white mans dreads (they were bleached n dyed and undercut) another woman said i looked dirty... end of. The fact that i was black and was into the music (ragga) was not enough... who i was was not enough. I didn’t fit.

Same same really but different going down to Rock City... the few women of colour that were about at the time seemed to regard me as a threat (there is only room for one of us in here at the same time) and the white rockers saw me as a point of interest, definitely amongst the menfolk (fetishisation), the white rock women by and large were suspicious and just flicked their hair at me, basically i never got allowed ‘in’... i was an anomaly that couldn’t really be worked out or understood...

I have met over the years in Nottingham, some really interesting and leftfield people of colour... I’m not necessarily super close to any of them, cos we move in different circles but as I’ve gotten older, there has been a sense of respect and kinship, in acknowledgment (i believe) of how fucking hard it is not to tow the party line, as someone non white. We all get stereotyped to various degrees but certain people, certain groups of people get stereotyped much more intensely.  And it goes beyond what music tastes i as a (politically) black woman might be into, what books i might read, what clothes i wear and the food i eat, it’s about me generally stepping out of my box.

It causes discomfort because perhaps i am only palatable if people think they can pigeonhole me safely... that they can understand who i am (and therefore what I’m capable of) based upon their often weak knowledge and understanding of certain markers of my identity, that people often get very wrong anyway (I’m half Indian and half St Lucian, not half black/half white as most folk ‘dismiss’ me as).

I’ve been in white, middle class, intellectual circles before and caused concern cos, i look a bit wild and out there but i speak with a fairly middle class, received pronunciation (and not black sounding) accent and I’m confident enough to not only join in their debates but also point out when and where i feel they are wrong... especially when it comes to race...or gender...or class, which always comes up and which believe or not, does still ruffle some white folk, even those who would be adamant they haven’t got a racist bone in their bodies. "You're, er... really well spoken and articulate..." the implicit being very explicit here...no one would dare end that sentence with, for a black person but that is largely where it comes from. Especially when people have got a preconceived idea of who they think I am based on their value judgement of my physicality. They probably wouldn't say that to a white woman from the Home Cunties :-) 

Also, although less often, I’ve been called out in black company for not understanding when folk are talking patois, or for chatting like ‘a white person’ or for dressing weird or for calling them out on casual homophobic statements. Like my lack of desire and need to conform to a stereotypical black identity calls my black credentials into question... The fact that I'm also half Indian rarely being taken into account, sometimes merely tolerated. I got told by a black lover once that it was cool that I was half Indian, he didn't mind at all! Haha! Wow, thanks 🙄

I feel like there is such a huge pressure all around for me to fit in somewhere and the reality is, I don't naturally, not in any mainstream boxes, i have definitely struggled to find my place.

I am a 43 year old, brown skinned single mother of 2 very fair skinned girls. Who is an artist of sorts... and one who claims to be a feminist yet has no issue with using my own body to either make a political and social point/statement or simply because it’s my body and i want to use it’s aesthetic within my art. I am a writer who discusses race, class and gender politics. I write about everything from gender dynamics within relationships to rape culture... i talk frankly about my own experiences with rape...but at the same time, i also write erotica/porn. Basically, i have found my place...and it’s inside me. I have 2 wonderful parts to my heritage which add accents and flavour to my being but that no, don’t define me. I have a vagina and breasts and i bleed every month and i have babies and i love my womanhood, but no, this does not define me either. My politics help me navigate my way through this world and give me a framework for my principles and morals but my beliefs and ideas are my own, they do not belong to any one particular dogmatic system. It is increasingly harder to maintain being an individual in this current climate but it’s the one thing I’ve realised i can truly rely on in this world. And i can’t see me ever giving that up (selling out) to make mine or anyone else’s ride smoother...

So... to all you wonderful one offs out there... you mavericks, you lone wolf’s, you who do not run with the pack... thank you for continuing to be you and paving the way... but a specially big thank you and a massive dosage of respect going out to my black and brown and beige brothers and sisters out there holding down that eccentricity, cos i know how much fucking harder it is. Wish I’d known 20 years ago that i didn’t need to want to fit in, but ho chum... this generation does seem to be making it easier to be different, and where there’s hope, there is happiness.

My un-dying love, respect and thanks going out to those who paved the way and personally inspired me, as a brown, left of centre artist who refuses to stay in her box; Josephine Baker, Prince, Erykah Badu, Serpentwithfeet, Black Man White Baby, Poly Styrene and the many more out there too... X