By MR.J | Janrey | 3 Sep 2020

Bottles of Battles 

They say that 'fake happiness is the worst sadness'. Well, guess that's true. Every morning when you wake up, you have to pretend that you are perfectly fine, to dress up like there's nothing wrong to look strong and deceive people like there's no problem at all. Then, you put some make up to cover the fear of losing the people you love but you're probably loosing yourself.

I have troubles communicating with other people. I have trust issues. I always think that my friends are secretly talking crap about me whenever I'm not with them. And it sucks. It is the reason why am I awake, whether its 3 am or 5 in the afternoon Lying on the floor of our bathroom, I'm just crying while holding a bottle. A bottle where I put all of the struggles that I encountered in the years of my existency. The bottle that serves as my very best friend. I tell her all of my secrets

This morning, I tried to read one of the letters I put right there. And guess what? Its just all about me. Asking for forgiveness - to myself

"Dear me,

I am so sorry. I'm sorry that you are desperately trying to fit yourself somewhere. I'm sorry because I always please other people just to stay and look at you, you look insane. I'm sorry that there are nights when you cried yourself to sleep and no one bothered to understand why. Forgive me because you always have to disguise that you are okay so you don't cause alarm. I'm sorry that you always go to your head - searching and finding the answer what's wrong with you. I am very sorry that I always prioritize the feelings of other people, not knowing you're hurting to. Healing the wounds of others, not noticing that your own was bleeding too Sorry for forcing you to laugh and smile so that no one will worry about you. Forgive me for making efforts to the people who don't give the same amount back. Please, forgive me."

Then the other day, I realized that she already forgive me.You do not have an obligation to do things for people who do not appreciate you. What I really love about my experiences is that taught me how to love myself first.

That is how life is, it goes on and you just go with the flow.

You have your whole life and you determine what to do with it and how you will experience your journey. You do not hold your fate - things just happen. No one should tell who you are, because you decide for yourself. Make your own choices and decisions, choose your own directions. See yourself as the person you want to be not what others want you to see.

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I was a former journalist


I was a former journalist in our school and I love writing

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