(IJCH) Ambiguity - It leads to Many Problems (or How Unclear Expectations and Over-Giving Ruins Relationships)

 

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IJCH - Inside JaiChai's Head (Meaning: My Warped, Personal Opinions and Musings)

 

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From the Author:

Salutations.

I am JaiChai.

And if I haven't had the pleasure of meeting you before, I'm delighted to make your acquaintance now.

 

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I invite you to interact with everyone, learn, and have as much fun as possible!

For my returning online friends, "It's always great to see you again!"

 

Ambiguity - It leads to Many Problems (or How Unclear Expectations and Over-Giving Ruins Relationships)

 

 

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Today I had lunch with a friend of mine.

Normally, he is a cheerful kind of guy; always smiling and laughing. But today he had a gloomy aura.

I couldn't tell whether he was angry or depressed.

 

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"Are you alright? 'Cause you look kinda sad or ill," I said.

After a few moments, he told me what was wrong. I learned that after supporting (emotionally and financially) his girlfriend for over 3 years, she left him today and "broke his heart".

 

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To make matters worse, she was a thief.

Like a cat burglar, she took all the money from his wallet the previous night while he slept and stole many of his expensive belongings; secretly putting them in her bags before leaving his house.

 

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Furthermore, within minutes of leaving his house, she began spreading some really ugly lies about my friend; basically portraying him as a horrible man and trying her hardest to make sure his chances of ever finding another girlfriend in this town were slim to none.

 

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My advice was simple.

Looking him straight in the eyes, I said, "Forgive, forgive, forgive."

 

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"Forgive her, forgive yourself for being an Over-Giver, learn from the experience, and move on - free from any negativity that might sabotage your future happiness."

 

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I know that it will take quite awhile before he can actually do what I recommended.

Right now he's in the "shock" phase.

He'll need to go through the rest of it before he can heal and hopefully become his happy (but smarter) self again.

 

Over-Giving

 

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My friend wasn't acquainted with the term "Over-Giver".

This is what I told him:

The list of reasons why someone becomes an Over-Giver is a long one. They vary widely - both in primary cause and intensity - among different individuals.

But for me, one thing is for sure:

Over-Giving is just as bad as Under-Giving. Sooner or later your "Benevolence Tank" is too dry to give anything more; ruining your life and eroding your self-esteem in the process.

 

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Think of this.

Subconsciously, you may be fostering an "entitlement syndrome" in those who receive your generosity; especially if they are neither grateful, nor attempting to improve their situation.

My mentor always reminded me:

"Once a favor. Twice a duty. It must be clear to all parties involved when the deed is a favor (a one-time act of benevolence) or a duty (a recurring obligation by one party and a guaranteed annuity or earned benefit for the other). It can't be both for any length of time.

And without this understanding (by both parties) from the beginning, feelings get hurt, friendships can collapse, and bitterness can linger on for years."

My friend thought deeply for a moment, then smiled for the first time that afternoon.

"Thanks, man," he said, "Now what's the name of that cute girl? You know the one, the friend of your girlfriend?"...

 

Parting Shot

For more information about Over-Giving, see:

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URL: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201403/are-you-over-giver-1

 

By JaiChai

 

Mighty Kind of You for stopping by.

 

Truly hope to see you again!

 

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About the Author

Believing that school was too boring, he dropped out of High School early; only to earn an AA, BS and MBA in less than 4 years much later in life – while working full-time as a Navy/Marine Corps Medic.

In spite of a fear of heights and deep water, he performed high altitude, free-fall parachute jumps and hazardous diving ops in deep, open ocean water.

 

 

After 24 years of active duty, he retired in Asia.

Since then, he's been a full-time, single papa and actively pursuing his varied passions (Writing, Disruptive Technology, Computer Science and Cryptocurrency - plus more hobbies too boring or bizarre for most folk).

He lives on an island paradise with his teenage daughter, longtime girlfriend and three dogs.