For most of my life, I've lived it trying to be the hero, the great white hope, because that's what was expected of me. Instead, I'm the Great White Snark, because I have never managed to keep up the pretence long enough to make a success of it. (My true nature keeps showing through the paper maché façade of glue, string and wax. Something went wrong along the way, multiple times.)

Living that duality, that struggle to overcome the person whom I really am, nearly destroyed me. When I embraced my dark nature, my long shadow (instead of running from it), I felt not just content, but happy in myself, at peace, no longer afraid of who I am or to die striving for something I won't achieve. However, almost everything around me fell apart. (I lost my partner, my job, my income, retirement annuity, savings and relationships with my family members, for a start.) I became trapped (or, more accurately, I realised very clearly that I always had been) and there was nothing that I could do about it if I continued in the ways of fiat and TradFi. Crypto gives me a chance at some level of freedom, so I have put a lot of money into it (if not necessarily wisely).

Once I look up, all comes falling down.

As far as I can tell, the only way out is through (and the faster I go, the better). For the time being, I have little choice but to play the good guy (or at least someone attempting to be the good guy) for longer and more convincingly than I have before. That's the only way I see a route to making an escape; it's the only way I'll get what I need to put a plan in place and effect it. The first part is holding down a job and farming fiat, putting money into crypto. After that, HODLing until retirement or a BTC moon. However, I am afraid. I am deadly afraid that I will stuff up all of it, long before I get there, that I will tear it all down and have to start again, like I always do. (It could take anywhere from two months to twenty years, by my reckoning. Still, in the long term, that's possibly early retirement, before I'm too far gone to enjoy it.)

This time around, I don't know if I can, if I still have a chance left. Every time I lose and reset, my situation gets worse. Having lost so much already over the years (particularly the last two, the COVID years), I don't think that there is much left for me to lose. I can afford so little (especially not more failure) and I have so little held in reserve to see me through when I again fall on hard times (which I'm sure I will).

A funny thing, a king who gets himself assassinated.
Hey now, every time I lose ...

I don't want to think about it (because doing so defeats and overwhelms me), but I can't seem to not think about it (or stop myself thinking about it) a lot of the time. It weighs me down and feeds on me, saps my strength and concentration. I have more than enough monkeys on my back and odds stacked against me already, without this. I procrastinate out of fear; I have no time to do that which I must in order to keep going and holding down a job. I tell this to nobody close to me, since open and honest communication has only ever served to expose me to attack and criticism, to get me into trouble. (Still, if somebody tells me we need to talk, my immediate thought is "I wonder what I've done wrong now".)

With all the adversity and difficulty I've already got going on in my life, trouble is the last thing that I need; it could lose me my job (and, more importantly, a shot at life on my own terms). Having spent about two years without one, I desperately need to hold onto the one I have. (However, I don't know for how long I'll have it, since my contract expires at the end of the month and nobody has given me any feedback as to if/when it will be renewed, despite my asking. Communication is a two way street.) I'm hoping that if I pull the rabbit out of the hat and can show something for my work in a week or two, I'll have persuaded my bosses that I'm worth the investment, despite the time it has taken for me to get here. I best get back to it, since time is running out and I'm under immense pressure.

I need to escape, to get out, to go far away, boondocking, so that I can take myself out with minimal fuss and notice. Having a good job could be just the ticket, since fiat farming is (sadly) still the best way to get crypto. Until further notice, Snark out!