Despite the fact that some of the content that follows is sexual in nature, that title is not intended as a euphemism. It is more in the sense of talking at length about nothing in particular. Since I don't have a particular subject on which to focus long enough to write a post solely about it, I'm going to write about a few things that are loosely connected.

"Pornography targeted at cishet men predominantly depicts women as objects/vehicles for their sexual gratification. It is reasonable to assume the average man views us this way too." 
 — Erika Lust (paraphrased); Pornographer

First off, a MtF transgender friend of mine recommended I watch The Principles of Pleasure on Netflix. I did. It was both educational and enjoyable. I thought I was pretty knowledgeable about human female anatomy, but I learned a few, er ... things. First off, while I knew that a vagina is only the opening, the general term to apply to the clit, inner and outer labia, vagina and what-have-you is vulva. (I thought it was only a part thereof.) While I also knew that the majority of a clit is internal and only a small part is external, I didn't realise it's not just a cylindrical, rod-like structure. It's bulbous and rather prominent in places. (Also, there's technically no such thing as a G spot; it's part of the clit that's internal and not every woman has one. The fact that the majority of women don't orgasm from vaginal stimulation isn't abnormal/unusual; the fact that any women do is.) So now I know even more than the average cishet probably man does (and mostly because he doesn't care to, as the docuseries points out, which is all sorts of problematic).

Until such time as the majority of men care about the psychological and sexual wellbeing of their partners as people and not as givers of gifts and wishes that satisfy their desires, reject the Patriarchal strictures and its toxic masculinity, Feminism is unlikely to achieve its goals. Dismantle the entire white supremacist, cisgendered heteronormative, Patriarchal and rabidly exploitative consumer Capitalist system, which favours straight white men above all others. Dismantle it through allowing others to pursue and access those things that have been denied, the power and rights that the status quo has denied them and continues to deny them or wants to revoke. Others having such power makes these weak men afraid; afraid that without their structures of oppression, they will be required to change in ways they can't if they are to remain culturally and socially relevant. They should be afraid, because they shouldn't be socially relevant in the first place. That they are is humanitarian and social injustice.

"Everyone thinks Dom work is about sex work [and that sex work is only prostitution]. It's really about liberation from shame."
 — Tiff, AKA Mistress May; Bonding

On a somewhat semi-related/tangential subject, I gave watching Netflix's Bonding a go for the second time and actually found it enjoyable. The first time, I was put off by how inaccurate the depictions of BDSM are, because they are, ala 50 Shades of Nope. (I could give a blow-by-blow account of what's depicted and why it's incorrect, but there's no actual blowing in it; BDSM and kink isn't necessarily about sex — Being a pro Dom[me] is not that kind of sex work. That much, at least, rings true. There's no "One Twue Way™", but there are definitely things on which we in the community all agree are not BDSM, because they are not risk-aware, safe, sane and consensual. Bonding has a lot of those.) However, what the series does have going for it is the story and character arcs of relatable people with serious dysfunctions trying to get along and be adults (or at least get better at it), while doing an admittedly poor job of it. I know it's made for TV, but I get the impression that it veers towards a finish in the theme of "all's well that ends well", but life is not like that. (At least mine isn't, anyway.)

That leads in to my third topic: My own abortive attempts at adulting over the last several years. I would like to write here that everything is going swimmingly, that I'm both happy and financially stable, that I can definitely answer "yes" to the one question I'm afraid of being asked: Are you winning? That's not the case, though. (The honest answer to that is "No, I'm not; I seldom am. It seems to me that a lot of other people aren't, either, which makes me feel somewhat better about the crappy parts of my own existence.)

I'm not sure that I'd go as far as claiming to be happy, but I'm definitely content/fulfilled. My Saturday morning job exercising dogs definitely gives me that. What it does not give me is financial stability or security. Nor does my writing posts here and on Noise.cash, as much as I enjoy doing so. My finances are in a terrible state, with bills I am unable to pay.

I'd like to write that my mental health is excellent, but that's not true, either. It certainly could be better, but it's currently strong and serviceable enough that I can cope, get along and persevere. That is good enough for now. This is in spite of the concern trolling of people who'd like to see me miserable and vulnerable, so that they can gaslight and take advantage of me.

Life (or at least mine, as far as I know) is a strangely paradoxical thing. I was told that I could learn anything and be anything I wanted to be, with enough effort and perseverance. I learned and practiced skills that I thought would make people happy. Maybe, in some abstract, far-removed way, the software that I wrote and the bugs that I diagnosed and/or fixed did improve people's work days and improve their productivity in a tangible and measurable way. If it did add value to their lives in some way, I seldom knew (and I don't remember). It all seemed so abstract and empty, so remote. Was I even serving a useful purpose, making a contribution? I don't know. It certainly never felt like it to me and it certainly didn't bring me contentment.

That's one of the problems with software development: Making a lot of money early on in one's career means that one can cover the basic needs of food, shelter and security. It leaves one open to the self-actualisation needs: Am I doing something meaningful/worthwhile? Am I content? Does this matter? For someone with self-esteem issues, there's also imposter syndrome with which to contend: Do I know enough? Do I deserve to be paid this much? For me, the answer to a lot of those questions was a firm "no". I always felt like I was cheating/defrauding the system, which created a moral dilemma. I was being paid more than I felt I was worth (because I made the classic error of deriving my personal worth from the value of the work I was doing), but I also couldn't figure out how to decrease my expenditures so I could earn less and get things into balance again. It caused me a great amount of anxiety and anguish, to the point where I worked long hours for an extended period to try compensate. Eventually, I burned out, just could not bring myself to get any work done because I mentally and physically couldn't do that mentally-demanding work any more. My brain would not co-operate and give me access to that knowledge. I had a mental breakdown, attempted suicide thrice, quit my job and spent a month in a psychiatric ward.

Now that I've been out for nearly two years, I've been trying to use my knowledge and skills in a way that makes me content, that are useful to me in solving my problems while earning me some money, but it's just not working out for me. I have not got my shit together and I'm not sure I ever will. I certainly don't believe that I will. I don't believe that it's possible for me to fix myself nor heal my wounds. I'm just the broken boy soldier who never gets older, the disaffected manchild who just wants to be able to get by and cope; that's good enough to make a living and be independent. However, what I do is so far from good enough right now to get there. Good or bad, it all adds up and I can never win. You know what the really problematic part of all that is? I'm fine with that. I accept it as the normal state of things, as my due, what I deserve for being me. I need to be better and do better if I'm ever going to get out of the hole I'm in and have been in for nearly two years. I don't see that happening, because I don't want to enough to actually do it. If I don't want to do things, I don't do them. Unfortunately, avoidance and procrastination are some of the things at which I am way too good for my own good.

Sure, I'm expanding and updating my knowledge of frameworks, languages and technologies. Maybe that might make me relevant to the job market again. Maybe not, since the demand seems to be for things I don't know. Even so, learning them won't solve the long-term problem of my not being a well-rounded developer. Being able to write code is such a small part of what that requires, to the point of irrelevance.

"How do you fill a space in you that is empty because of you?"
— Frank; Bonding; Season 2

I have come to accept who I am, but the person I am is broken and empty, which is problematic.

Thumbnail image: Screenshot from Bonding