I'm working seven days a week, just to keep myself afloat and my life on track, now that I've got a full-time job. However, I do not yet have a guarantee that I'll have it past the end of next month, which is a considerable concern, since I still have debts to pay off and I sure as hell don't want to remain poor any longer. Anything I can do to mitigate that, I'm going to do to the utmost (and that includes a side hustle or two). While I appreciate the importance of being idle, I've seen the consequences/effects of sitting around taking it easy instead of making maximum use of every available moment. I might very well end up poor and worrying about having enough for my retirement, like the rest of my good-for-nothing scumbag relatives, but I'll be damned if it's for lack of trying.
Today (Sunday, 2022-10-16), I have been up and on my feet since 06:00 this morning, only stopping to shower and eat. (It's past 20:00 as I write this.) I still have work to do, but it's not going to happen tonight; I'm too knackered. I'll have to get up early tomorrow and complete it while my housemates are still sleeping. My housemates, on the other hand, got up at 08:00 and, as far as I can tell, the only thing they've done towards household upkeep is clean out a gutter (just one) and a bit of weeding a walkway. Otherwise, they've sat and watched TV or criticised my efforts, not bothering to lift a finger to help me (not even if it would be to their benefit). I, of course, have made no mention of it, since I only have to put up with it until I find my own place and move out. I intend to start looking as soon as I know I've got permanent employment for the next six months or so (which will give me enough time to pay off my debts).
I'm running myself ragged, but I figure that if I die of overwork, then at least I will have succeeded in finding a way to kill myself, given that my previous efforts didn't have the desired outcome. All going well, I will have been able to move far away from my traitorous family and they won't know of my demise for a while. That would be the cherry on top, since it's the end goal. However, even if that does happen, my cause of death will be a mystery to them, since they have never acknowledged my efforts as valid and I don't think that's going to change any time soon.
If going hard for a while helps to get me away from them sooner, rather than later, so much the better. I'm fucking sick of putting up with their crap, the way they've treated me over the last two years or more and how they continue to treat me now that I might finally come into some money at long last.
"Tilling my own grave to keep me level,
Jam another dragon down the hole.
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren,
One that pushes me along and leaves me so ...
"Desperate and ravenous,
So weak and powerless over you ..."
— A Perfect Circle; "Weak and Powerless"; Thirteenth Step (2003)
I am tired of living this life that I was ready to leave years ago. All this time that has passed since my last attempt, which failed miserably, is only delaying the inevitable thing that I have to do if I'm going to be free. What I have to do is get myself to a place where I am adequately and thoroughly prepared to put a final stop to this ludicrous state of affairs, without room for error or interference. I still have a considerable way to go until that happens, though, which is why I'm working so hard to make it possible. For now, though, it's time for me to set my alarms for 05:00, take a sleeping pill and crash, so that I will have the energy to carry on working in the morning.
Snark out!
Thumbnail image: Photo by Ellie Burgin on Pexels
