Once again, I have reached a point of uncertainty in my journey. The future is unclear, possibly dire. This is likely to be my last post for a while, may well be my very last post to Pub0x. (I know, I know, I have arrived at the same point on the spiral and learned nothing since last time I started the pattern. What a loser and an idiot, right? How stupid of me to fritter away my life and squander my talents because I can't pull myself out of feeling like the last year or two has reduced me to feeling like a scared teenage boy who wants someone else to take care of him for a while. That's just not going to happen if I don't man up and do it myself, don't rise above this.)
Of my own volition, I have to get out of the house that I'm in, out of this way of life, this mindset, this way of feeling and doing things, of (not) running my life. I have to do this before I go crazy, it kills me or I lose the last of what little I have left and living in a cardboard box under a bridge.
What I need to do is generate a great deal of motivation and resolve, work hard to bring myself back up to full speed and operating capacity, all engines firing. I need help, but I need to get it from myself, give it to myself. Nobody else will. Nobody else wants to and nobody else can.
I am strong. I have fought piranhas. I can do this, no matter how tough and no matter for how long. I've done it before and I must do it again, will do it again. I have achieved amazing things, with amazing people. I need to believe in myself again. To get on top of my fear and anxiety, I must remember that they're fantoms, delusions in my head, just my brain messing with my perception of reality and holding me back with scare tactics.
98% of what I do will fail, but success and progress lies in the other 2% that will be awesome. That's where my focus must rest: the working surface for my salvation, my ladder out of the self-made pit of procrastination and excuses.
If I do not find a way forward, I will end up with nothing but what I can carry in two hands. All my property will be sold. All my technology: Laptop, scanner, mouses, UPS, etc., gone! I simply cannot afford to lose what precious little I still have, the things that are to secure my livelihood, investments to pay future dividends because of hard times in the present. I must not let myself fail. I must not fail! I must remember this anger of indignation that fuels me now and pushes me to take action, to prevail. I must not grow complacent and slip back into old ways!
This is the twenty-fifth hour, perhaps the last one, perhaps the start of new work habits, efforts and practices, the metamorphosis. This is the twenty-fifth hour, where I must pull the rabbit from the hat. This is where I struggle and escape, like Houdini, the ties that bind, like I somehow always do. This is sudden death!
The clock is ticking. I have a lot of work to do, work that I have put off and let build/pile up, to a critical mass, once again. The clock is ticking, counting down. I don't have a lot of time.
I hope to be back soon, but I don't know. Either way, don't expect to see me for a month or two. (If you do, please leave me commends reminding me to get my deal together and do what I must to get my life/situation together, if you can. I'd appreciate that, because I know myself well enough to know I'll have my little slips if I'm not vigilant).
Snark out (for a while, but hopefully not for good)!
