My name is Pora and I am not a perfect mother. I want a good and better plan for the future of my children. To live a better life when they have their own family. For them to have amazing childhood memories. When I became a mother, there are things I don’t like my children to experience because I know exactly how it feels. What I didn’t realize is that the more I wanted it to be perfect, easy and astounding for them is the time and the same way my childhood pain started.
I am the product of a broken family. I have four siblings, three boys, and one girl and I am second to the eldest. When I was a kid I thought I am happy. That I have what I need and want. That it is normal to see my mom and dad fight, cursing each other. Fighting and shouting with my siblings are alright and just part of growing up. And last but not least getting a slap on my face or spunk on my butt when I did something wrong and flickered my mouth when I said something bad.
When I was eighteen, it feels independent. I can do whatever I want to do. I can go out and back home whenever I want. I found attention and support from friends. When in reality it feels like it’s so unfair. No one understands you. No one is there when you feel dejected. Mom and dad separated the same year. Surprisingly, I didn’t cry. I feel no pain and I don’t care. For me, it is normal.
Three years passed, I became a mother myself. I’ve got 2 beautiful kids, the eldest is ten and the youngest 5 years old. I thought I learned my lesson so I can have an ideal family based on my own experienced. During the early years of being a mom, I am guilty of spunking their butt when they did wrong and even flickered their mouth when they said bad words. They heard it when I and their dad argued. I didn’t realize that I am biased in a way of raising my children. I forgot I’ve been there before, that bitter past of childhood memories.
My youngest child is smart, active and playful. She became pride in her school and represent it for different activities and contests. She is adaptive and easy to manage. I always praise her behavior, hard work in studying and joining different activities at an early age. That led me to compare my eldest to her. I used to say to my eldest, “be like your sister” or “look at your sister” she is amazing. And when she did something wrong, I even told her “you are stupid, idiot, dumb! Why don’t you be like your sister?” These never stop until one day...
It was an exhausting day. We are eating dinner when my eldest say something like “Mom, you know what, I am not a stupid anymore. I am in the top 2 of our class. I am not an idiot now!”. She was so happy and I can see the excitement on her face. I look at her and it’s like the time and my heartbeat stopped. I am surprised. I don’t believe her at first and I thought it was a joke. She handed me a certificate showing her achievements at school. I knew she is serious and suddenly my tears dropped.
That night, I realized it’s been a long time that I was so unfair to her. I never praise her while everybody knows she is a great dancer at school. Never give her a hug when she actively participates in joining a yearly dancing contest in our place. I never kissed her forehead her when she joins the different beauty pageant contest for kids and when she sings confidently in front of a crowd. Never gave her a high five when she became a scholar of a private foundation and thumbs up when she became a flag bearer of a drum and lyre group in her school. There’s a lot I never imagined because I was blind to see it before.
Teary eyes I hugged her tight while she was sleeping. I am thankful that despite my failure to give her the attention that she needs she used it to prove me something. To open my eyes about my shortcomings as the light of the family. To lead her and her sister on the right path, to show them the right way for them not to walk the wrong path. She teaches me that it’s alright to look back from the past so I can move forward. That love will heal all wounds even your biggest tragedy on life.
I glanced down at both of my sleeping girls with misty eyes. That night, I remind myself that I will be my children’s light and guide as they tackle every step of their way. The one who will teach them what is right, to lead them in the right path that would help give them a brighter future. Since then I learned to fulfill my duties and obligation to my children with love. So never to hear again, “I am stupid no more”.