The special military operation has finally begun to bear fruit. One of the main goals, i.e. to free the raccoons from the Kherson zoo, which according to Putin felt they were Russians, was finally fulfilled.
"Today will go down in history as a great victory of the Russian nation. What we set out to do in February and didn't tell anyone about it so as not to shout it out has now finally come true. Rejoice, friends, because we have finally reached the main goal. The demonetization of Ukraine was successful. Be proud of your president. Be proud of your nation," Putin's still-swollen face showed a hint of a smile through the botox.
"The main objective of the special military operation has been achieved. Russia is great and Russians are wonderful. It is we who are now setting the trend and direction in the world not only militarily, economically and culturally, but now we are also dictating the pace as far as raccoons are concerned," a tear ran down Putin's face as he touched himself.
The liberation of the raccoons from the Kherson Zoo is Russia's biggest military success since World War II, and it shows in the mood of the people.
"My husband and my two sons died on the front in Ukraine. They were mobilized, trained for two hours and then sent to the front, where they were killed in half a day. I do not complain. For their death, I received twenty kilos of rice and a photo of a zhigulik, which is a terno. Plus, I have two more sons who will be eighteen in a month, so when things go wrong, I'll grab a box of chocolates and maybe even a Walkman. Both my husband and my sons died for Russia. They died for a great idea. They died to free the raccoons," cried Mrs. Natasha, who has a tattoo of the letter Z above her bum because she thought it was patriotic, even though she has no idea what it means.
People are celebrating and rejoicing in the streets. The celebrations won't end soon.
"We can't pull our heels out of Russia, we have nothing to eat slowly, the economy is screwed up, I spend my days at home locked in a dresser in the bathroom so that I don't get picked up and sent to the front, but now I finally feel that it was all worth it. Now the foresight of daddy Putin has been shown. He knew why he was doing it. He always knows why he does it. Now that we've freed the raccoons, it's only going to be good," Mr. Ivan rejoiced quietly in his bathroom chest of drawers.
According to some sources, this Russian victory could have been even more monumental. In addition to the raccoons, the army was able to free a porcupine, three pythons, a camel and a chimpanzee from the zoo. Unfortunately, the Russian soldiers ate the porcupine and the snakes, and gang-raped the camel and the chimpanzee (and then ate them too), so all it had to do was free the raccoons, who weren't worth the soldiers' rape or eating.
After the liberation of the raccoons, Defense Minister Shoigu announced the withdrawal of troops from Kherson, as the goal had been achieved there.
"Now we have to focus on the Luhansk region. There is a zoo where three opossums live, which need to be freed," Shoigu outlined another goal of the special military operation.
Another three hundred thousand men will be deployed to liberate the opossums, who will share one hundred still-functioning rifles and three briefs.
This is a fake news about things which didn't happen, but they could, as unbelievable as they sound.
Any coincidence of names of persons or names of places is purely coincidental and has no relation to the real world.
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