Visiting a random party, after a difficult episode of depression can be a hard time. And for almost whole night I wanted to flee
...untill the moment I realised, that everybody at the party are just as sad as I am, was one of the most enlightning expiriences I have had in the past month. It was the moment figured out, that the obly difference between me and people at the party, was a fact I wasn't drunk or high. Could you imagine it? Sitting, thanks to new and old Gods, alone in the most comfortable room, with all those comfy,u colorful pillows lying on the ground and psychedellic drawing on walls made me think about getting high. But then I started to question it, why does this setting full of stimulus affect me in a such an autodestructive manner. Or to be more precise, why do people get high?
I know. It is a bit of a cliche, asking this in some crappy blog article, that probably no one will see or get intressted in. But I just had this strange feeling that I have to express myself in some kind of way. I was sober (being on a high doses of amphetamines and benzodiazepines is pretty standard for me), and I couldn't connect with people at the party. They all have expressed themselves this night. But not me. I couldn't express myself in any way, therefore I was all alone. In this comfortable room with humans passing just to get to the balcony for a smoke, with soft music playing in background I felt completly alone. At this point I begun to wonder, if I should take a trip to the nearest 24h/7 opened shop to get myself a few drinks and then it hit me!
We all are just lonely people, who were left alone to ourselves, with no boundaries,
so the only exit we see from this pitch black pit is getting high and running away from reality,
together with other people who are just as lonely and sad as you are.
I am sorry if I lost a track in writing all of this, at the time being I was pretty high already. But the thought, that has stuck in my head is ringing as a bell at some distatnt church, it's distorted and so far away, but still loud as Police sirens passing by.
To the point. We all need another people to fell less isolated from the world, We need another living soul, who could just show you by simply being, that you are not alone. But the easiest way out of all this is to get high. By whatever means it take to get one high.
We don't want to see another people as humans, we want them as they were just some kind of sure thing,
a playdoll, that will do whatever one bids. That was the moment I sotopped carrying for myself.
I am not important to myself anymore. And it's the same with you all. But you are all important to me. And I want to be important to you as well. I would like to be seen, I would like to be heard, I would like to be recognised as something more, than just concious flesh.
Easy way is the easiest way and nothing changes until something's changed. And we don't want it. Maybe that is why we do it. Dunno. But what I know is that, that I am going to pop another X on my way to way out. See you later in an afterlife you shiets.