My downfall

By dadazi | dadazi | 8 Sep 2022

So it has been over one year since I made a post or even wrote something anywhere.
Now, why did I call this my downfall, well cause that is what happened in this one year since I have been absent.
It all went from bad to bad to worse to a straight nightmare.
Hard words, right?
Well, there are not at all cause they are the truth and all who know me, know that i tell the truth and speak my mind always, no matter what.
I suffer from a lot of things and illnesses but the one that kills me each day bit by bit is severe acute depression followed by panic attacks (which vary from small to really bad).
That being said, I always slip in and out.
It is a constant battle that I got to the point that I know that I just can't win.
I will try to get them in order as much as I can.
So how did the year start?
Now bear with me cause you will understand (i hope) why it just broke me.
The year started with my gas cooker being down and could not be fixed.
Now, I must say that no matter where you are from on this earth, electronics and appliances and so on are expensive, I am sure of it.
So the gas cooker.
It took like a month till we(me and mom, I say like that cause dad is paralyzed)got a new gas cooker2 months, cause we had to cut a lot of things and a sold few items that I had.
It didn't go long and the microwave oven got destroyed, meaning that when we were heating up leftovers, smoke came out of it.
Now I don't know about you, but for us, we need a microwave cause we reheat leftovers from the previous day or days.
So far not that bad right?
Well, it took like a month or two max and my dad's tv broke(i have a very old one in my room and it is absolute and barely works).
Now I mentioned that he is paralyzed above, well for him, the tv is his world pretty much so we had to do another effort to buy a new one.
Wouldn't you buy one for a person who stays in bed and can't move?
This time we were a bit fortunate cause an uncle bought himself a new one and gave us his old one(our first flat screen tv).
Now, being spring and the weather got very nice and how, guess what broke?
You guessed the fridge.
This one makes me angry cause it took time till we gathered money to buy a new one and in this time(about two weeks) a lot of food got spoiled.
I do not know about you, but we do not just throw food or leftovers, we reheat and eat again.
Not too bad so far, well wait.
Here comes the worst, cause I said that I went from bad to bad to worse to a nightmare.
July first, in the afternoon I just heard my mom screaming her lungs out my name.
When I came into their room(mom and dad), dad was throwing up really badly.
It stopped for a while and said he was alright until around 19.00 when he was starting again to throw up but this time blood and also blood in his poop.
Now stop for a second and imagine if your dad was throwing up blood, how would you feel?
We immediately called the ambulance and he went to the hospital where he stayed for a month.
And if that was not bad enough...
After a week or 8,9 days...he started to have delusions and didn't recognize my mom and where he was, he was hearing radio music...
I just did not know what to do and I'm crying at this moment, writing these words, reliving those moments cause after hearing this, all the family said that we must prepare cause we are losing him.
Do not worry, no one saw me crying, no one.
we did not know what was wrong with him but I said to mom, let's try to cheer him up with something.
He is a soccer fan so I went online and searched every news about his team and started to talk to him and tell him new news and it worked a bit and then I promised him a brand new and big flat tv and it worked.
After he came home, we bought a new tv that was a bit cheap cause it was an unknown brand and was in the sale.
Also, it was just before his birthday.
We got him home and aware but now he is in diapers and pees thru a tube in a bag that must be changed daily and the tube around 3 weeks.
He has kidney failure in stage 4 or something like that(i do not know how to translate the doctor's diagnosis).
And if that was not bad enough, he is in pain each time he pees.
So each time I can hear him trying his best not to scream and make small noises cause the pain is too much.
And to top, it all off, he made an infection from that tube thru he pees thru.
My mom is also sick, has a stent implant, autoimmune thyroid,depresion, and panic attacks and he sleeps a few hours a night cause she is so scared.
As a bonus, he is suspected of some other disease my dad but I won't go into it cause it is just a suspicion.
Am I crazy or look like a nightmare?
And here is the cherry on top.
The washing machine( around 14 years old) is starting to act up.
And better the cherry on top, the heating system is starting to fail and we called a plumber and said that it must be all changed cause it just ca not be fixed, it is impossible and winter is around the corner, just 2 months away, maybe.
Well this time, no matter what sacrifice, no matter what, we just cannot afford to buy a new heating system.
Out of desperation, I found a person online who is rich and made courage and stepped on my dignity and I begged for help(i did not ask, yes,i begged).
I explained and l told him that I will show proof, pictures documents... whatever it takes but we talked a bit and the answer was no.
Also, I asked a millionaire or so he says on Twitter and he didn't even reply.
If even a rich person can help, then who?
I can not go begging all over the place plus I just do not anyone else to ask.
It will be a very challenging winter and hope that the heating system would not break.
Now you might say I should stay positive, be an optimist and also pray.
Well, I am not a liar or a hypocrite...I can not pray(altho I was born and raised as a catholic) to a GOD that I am losing faith in each day.
And I can be an optimist and positive either cause you do not know the whole story, but I will tell you this:
The only person that I told a lot of my story, starting crying while I was speaking and I mean crying.
No one will just come up and help or this post gets thousands of dollars cause that's how much a new heating system throughout the house will cost(so many tips would need thousands of followers, I think, cause I do not know).
Thousands are a lot of money all over the world.
And from what I have seen so far, people(maybe not all but most) have become more I do not know...greedy and think only to themself and GOD does not teach that from what I know.
Thank you if you read till here and here is my advice or lesson or call it whatever you want:
Somewhere in this world, someone's life sucks more, is worse or more horrible than your life or what you are going thru.

I apologize if I made grammatical mistakes or if I did not express myself correctly, but I write when I feel that there is not before and after, I write directly and post it.

Thank you again for your time and I wish you a great day ahead or a good night.

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