Love has always been considered a complex subject. Love has always fascinated philosophers, poets and scientists, searching for the best edge for its analysis throughout history. From the field of psychology, love is analyzed in all its complexity, encompassing intricate or acquired behaviors, emotions and thoughts. And although many describe it as an intense emotion, psychology goes much further, it is that dynamic process that combines biology, society and individual physical and emotional needs.

Triangulate Love: One of the most entrenched theories from psychology is the possibility of triangulating love into three aspects or elements and the relationship between them:

• Intimacy: Based on emotional and physical level connections, which grow from trust.

• Passion: Passion begins with attraction and goes all the way to physical desire.

• Commitment: A conscious decision to stay attached both physically and emotionally to someone.

Something very curious is that psychology, despite referring to this triangle, accepts that not all relationships need to have all three components present at the same time. From there we can differentiate the different types of love, for example: romantic love has a greater presence of the aspects intimacy and passion, however, filial love is more related to the aspects intimacy and commitment.

Although the most medically and biologically focused studies speak of oxytocin (the attachment hormone) as the main cause of bonding, psychology insists that love cannot be only chemistry; it is that combination with the experiences of each person, e.g. childhood loves, can shape the way we relate to each other as adults.

So why do we repeat patterns, why do many people seek out a toxic relationship over and over again and others flee in fear of commitment? To answer these questions we return to attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, repeating that our childhood defines our style of loving in adulthood, and this time there are again three main love styles:

• Secure attachment: People who are very comfortable in both intimate and stable relationships, believe in true love, stability and commitment.

• Anxious attachment: People who need constant validation and attention, fear being abandoned or being let down by the person to whom they give their love.

• Avoidant attachment: Extremely independent people who always need to maintain their personal space and even some distance between them and the person they love. Their priorities are independence and they tend to close themselves emotionally to others.

From there we see common and easy to identify behaviors, for example: a person with anxious attachment may present behaviors considered toxic such as constantly sending messages to their partner to “make sure” that they will not be cheated on or abandoned, while the opposite would happen with an avoidant person, who would barely send messages to their partner, but this would not mean a lack or a lower level of love.

This is where psychology plays its most important mediating role because these aspects or edges are not a rigid mold or condemnation. Psychology can identify the most harmful patterns for both ourselves and our partner and through therapy and the development of self-awareness skills, develop a fourth attachment: conscious attachment, an attachment that is based on taking the best of each aspect and fostering deep and solid relationships.

Whatever the origin of love, the important thing is that it is a constant journey of self-discovery, which needs to be built from awareness. Understanding the approach, whether chemical, biological or psychological, need not detract from its romanticism. As Erich Fromm would say, “Love is not something you find, it is something you cultivate.”

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Jueves 6 de febrero: El amor desde la psicología: teorías del apego y su impacto en nuestras relaciones.

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