backyard

thinking

By can-amcitizen | can-am citizen | 5 Jul 2021


So it has been a week from my sisters passing .Its funny how some things make you reflect back on your life. Thats seems like all I do now is reflect . And in these moments we see clarity in our lives. I know now how life gets away from you. Your job, internet, and society all play a part in it. When you reflect , you remove all of that and you just be there, yourself in that moment and you think without all the filters . You just be, it is amazing . You feel love , kindness, and compassion. The way i believe humans are meant to be. You know my wife got me to just live in the love for a moment and you know what happened to me. I broke down and i cried like a weeping baby for the entire moment , i could not take it because i was never told that its ok to live in love. My heart was beaten fast , and it felt like i was going to explode and become something more then just my body and mind. Everyday now i try to live in love again , just so i can feel more than what i am. Things happen in life to make us not want to live  in the moment. It is hard to do that i know, i struggle with that everyday .And it does not help that i have A.D.D.. I think that, why my sister , why now , and why do god/universe always take the good ones. Now i have a new battle going on in my heart.My brother-in-law believes he should get my moms house when she passes. He has lived in my moms apartment that is attached to my moms house for the last 30 years . He helps with any repairs and checked in on her every day. Mom fell down in her house about 1 and half years ago and ended up in the hospital with a  concussion . Then from there they put her into long term care hospital because she could not live alone. Yes he helped fix things for her but here is the problem i have. First my mom is not dead and already he wants to sale her home and keep all the money. Second , she is my mom not his. Third , my sister and him never once paid my mom any rent and did not help with electric bill either(the electric was together , there was not a separate meter for the apartment) the electric bills were around 3 to 5 hundred a month. So I am trying to live in the moment and just love ,not get angry at him for this. Now that my sister is gone ,  i am trying to get ahold of the long term care hospital to know what is going with my mom because my sister took care of that and she never would tell me anything. Hick, she did not even tell me she had cancer. I found out that my mom is good health physically , but she is showing signs of dementia. Got that info from a relative that works in the same building .And i found out my sister and him has not visited my mom in about an year. I would be there at least every other day if i lived close. It is hard to be in a human life, it takes so much effort to live a happy life. For my wife,  i keep going because she does not let up or give up . For me to give up in front of her would just  be disrespect to her. Ok , time to breathe and slow myself down here. I will leave this on a good note. I feel blessed to have my wife and to have a roof over my head and food on the table. I feel blessed that I live in a place that accepts me and my wife(interracial couple). And finally i feel blessed  that i have a place i can talk and release all my feeling and thoughts. Its good for my soul. So thank you for reading /listening to me rumble on about my life and my journey. And if anyone has any ideas about life and how to live it to the fullest please comment and tell me. I am always open to try new things ,that is how we grow spiritually. 

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can-amcitizen
can-amcitizen

I am a 51 year man in a 20 year interracial relationship. So I have had my eyes opened for me with humanity. Nothing surprises me anymore.


can-am citizen
can-am citizen

writing about my interracial marriage, my A.D.D and life's challenges.

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