Have you ever suddenly spiraled just because of the way someone looked at you?
 
Have you ever felt an inexplicable sense of resentment or resistance toward a specific person in a group?
 
These scenarios used to be a true reflection of my own life. Back then, I was constantly troubled, never knowing where these emotions came from or why they were so hard to shake. Eventually, I realized that the deepest and most intense hostilities often don't come from others—they come from the attacks we launch against ourselves.
 
I finally understood: there is no one "out there"—there is only you. Others are simply mirrors, reflecting the fragmented pieces of our inner selves that have yet to be integrated.
 
As I began to piece these fragments together, learning to see my own "shadows" through my hostility toward others and embracing a more complete version of myself, my inner world gradually found harmony. Consequently, that hostility toward others simply faded away.

01
Why do we feel "hostility" toward others?
 
1. Behind hostility often lies the traits we refuse to accept in ourselves. To achieve integration, we must learn to embrace our own "shadows."
 
In my years of studying psychology, the exercise I’ve practiced most is self-acceptance: accepting my flaws, my vulnerability, and my imperfections...
 
I used to be someone who was very prone to hostility because I was constantly chasing perfection. I wanted to be "good" so badly that I didn't dare admit I was imperfect, flawed, or fragile.
 
As a result, I repressed many of my "shadow" traits. I rejected and resisted any negative feedback. If someone called me ugly, fat, lazy, or "not good enough," my hostility was instantly triggered. I felt the need to argue and prove them wrong, trapping myself in a cycle of anger toward them and internal mental drain (neihao).
 
Later, I read a book called The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. It mentioned that the reason you care so much about the negative things people say is that you haven't accepted those parts of yourself. Because you haven't accepted your own "fatness," "ugliness," or "laziness," you crave external acceptance. When others fail to provide it, you feel distressed.
 
The solution isn't to force others to accept you; it’s to look inward and learn to accept yourself.
 
When I realized that everyone is imperfect and carries negative traits—myself included, because I am a human, not a perfect deity—everything changed. Having negative traits doesn't mean I’m not "good enough." On the contrary, by accepting these shadows, I became more relaxed and candid in my relationships. I felt more whole.
 
Indeed, when we dare to face our inner shadows and embrace our vulnerability, we achieve inner integration. Only then can we project a truly powerful state of being.
 
As Carl Jung famously said: "I'd rather be whole than good." To be "good" is to live out only half of yourself; to be "whole" is to live out your entire, authentic self.
 
2. Hostility also hides our unmet needs, which are often tied to our early childhood experiences and deserve our awareness.
 
I used to be incredibly hostile toward anyone who criticized or dismissed me. There was a period when I lived with my mother-in-law, who primarily used a "blaming" communication style. I was criticized and scolded almost every day. No matter how hard I tried to do my best, I never got her approval. During that time, so much hostility built up inside me that I would literally dream about screaming at her.
 
Later, I realized this stemmed from an unmet need: the need for "validation." I cared so deeply about being recognized by others. The moment someone didn't validate me, I suffered. That pain was rooted in a deep, core deficiency within me.
 
While it sounds simple here, the process of discovery was long. It took a long time to move from just noticing my hostility to identifying the core need as "validation." It took even longer to trace this back to my childhood, realizing I hadn't received enough validation from my parents and key figures, which left me with an inner sense of scarcity.
 
Through constant self-awareness and exploration, I gradually understood myself. I saw my inner lack and found a direction for growth.
 
I began using effective psychological methods to heal that scarcity. I read books that boost self-worth, like The Miracle of Self-Affirmation and You Can Heal Your Life. I joined support groups, engaged in activities that built my confidence, and practiced extensive self-affirmation through writing and meditation. Slowly, I filled that void.
 
I discovered that once my needs were met internally, I no longer felt hostile toward those who doubted or criticized me. When you are full on the inside, you no longer need to fight or "prove yourself" to get what you need from the outside.
 
3. Hostility is also a form of self-protection, or a manifestation of repressed aggression. We can learn to express this aggression in healthy, proactive ways.
 
In psychology, "aggression" is a neutral term—it is a primal instinct.
 
Humans evolved from animals. When we sense a threat or danger, our survival instinct kicks in. Just as a wild animal protects itself by fighting, fleeing, or freezing, our hostility is often a manifestation of this primal aggression. It is normal; it doesn't need to be repressed. However, living in a civilized society, we can’t fight like animals. Instead, we can "sublimate" this aggression through constructive means.
 
For example, when you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, try to express your feelings and needs with "congruence" (honesty). When we speak up, others understand us better and learn how to respect our boundaries, leading to more harmony.
 
When you feel angry, try physical exercise. I often go for a power walk; it’s an incredibly effective way to release repressed tension.
 
Hitting a soft object is also a great choice. I remember once being so furious at someone that I felt a physical urge to hit them. Instead, I vented by punching my soft sofa at home. After a while, my emotions settled. Once I regained my logic, I was able to handle the relationship much more rationally.
 
Other effective methods include writing out your emotions, talking them through with someone, or using the "Empty Chair Technique" to express what’s inside...
 
 
02
How to use others as a mirror to achieve inner integration?
 
Achieving self-integration doesn't mean becoming an "all-good" or perfect person. It means embracing your shadows while accepting your light, balancing all your traits appropriately.
 
At this stage, the "longing" or "repulsion" we feel toward others can serve as a perfect reflection of ourselves, helping us grow and achieve self-actualization.
 
For instance, when you compare yourself to others, observe your "dislike" and your "desire."
 
Through "dislike," you see your inner shadows. The traits you despise in others are often the very traits you refuse to accept in yourself. For these shadows, the task is acceptance. We need to understand that having these traits doesn't make us "bad"—they are shared human qualities. Only by accepting this commonality can we move toward true wholeness and inner peace.
 
Through "longing," you see your inner light. The positive traits you admire or crave in others actually exist within you too—they’ve just been temporarily suppressed. If we can live out these positive traits, we can become the person we aspire to be.
 
 
Let me give you two personal examples to make this easier to understand.
 
I used to absolutely detest one person. I couldn't stand her "stinginess." Every time she acted that way, it made me furious. Once I understood the principle of the mirror, I looked at myself. I realized I simply hadn't accepted my own "stinginess," and I was projecting my repressed shadow onto her.
 
Eventually, I admitted that I, too, am stingy in many ways. I often eat leftovers, reuse plastic bags, and comparison-shop for the best deals... When I started to understand and accept that I also have a "stingy" side, I could finally accept hers.
 
Now, when someone calls me stingy or acts that way themselves, I am much more composed. I no longer feel that intense urge to resist. By letting "stinginess" be a part of me—because it is a part of me—I can see its benefits (like being resourceful). When we stop fighting it, we can live more harmoniously with ourselves and others.
 
Regarding "longing," I did an exercise where I listed three people I deeply admire and three traits I love about them. Through this, I realized the positive traits I craved were: professionalism, confidence, and influence.
 
Through that "longing," I saw my own inner drive. I shifted my energy toward personal growth, working hard to become a professional, confident person with a degree of influence. Today, to some extent, I’ve achieved that.
 
So, you can absolutely use your "longing" or "envy" to illuminate your own positive potential. When you are able to live as your authentic self, you naturally stop feeling hostile toward others. Instead, you feel more appreciation for yourself. When we look inward, clarifying and integrating ourselves while learning to fully love this imperfect, real, and whole version of who we are, you will find that in your world, all is well.