Signs you shouldn’t ignore.

There is no official definition of a toxic relationship because it isn’t in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the book that therapists use to figure out what’s wrong with their clients. But it’s safe to say that a relationship is probably toxic if it makes you feel bad about yourself, is mostly negative, has any kind of abuse, makes you act out of fear, you can’t talk to each other without yelling and screaming, or you have to hide or lie about it to your friends and family.

Recognizing a toxic relationship

“I knew relatively early on that my relationship with my then-boyfriend wasn’t healthy,” says Kelsey Turek, 31, of Spring Lake, Michigan. “From the beginning, my boyfriend was very jealous, to the point where he was angry when I went out with girlfriends or even talked to other men.”

Turek worked as a personal trainer, and some of the people she worked with were men. She remembers one time when he saw her working with a male client in the gym. He got mad and stormed out in a rage, making her feel bad for just doing her job. Although there were other, more subtle signals that the relationship was toxic, she eventually forgave her partner after he apologized and stated he would try to be better.

“He wasn’t interested in my wants or desires, he only wanted to do his hobbies and wouldn’t meet my friends or family,” she explains.

It caused her to feel insignificant and alone, and she was always questioning her own judgment as a result. She made several attempts to communicate her emotions to him, but he either did not understand her or refused to do so. As a result, her mental health suffered in the long run. Despite this, she was determined to keep trying to make the relationship work.

“I really loved him. We had created a picture of our future together. He always said he was trying to be better. And honestly, I didn’t believe in myself. I didn’t think I could find someone else, even though I was young and had a lot going for me,” .

According to Nina Vasan, MD, clinical assistant professor of Psychiatry at Stanford School of Medicine, director of the Stanford Lab for Mental Health Innovation, and chief medical officer of Real, an online mental healthcare platform, many people have found themselves in what, in hindsight, was a toxic relationship. However, it can be difficult to recognize a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship when you’re in it, and this is something that can be difficult to recognize when you’re in it. (Not only may you have unhealthy romantic relationships, but also unhealthy friendships.) She says that love gives us the rosiest of rose-colored glasses, and that we want to believe that those who love us won’t intentionally hurt us even though we know that’s not true.

“Often it isn’t obvious when things turn toxic, particularly if you don’t have a lot of experience in relationships, and the instinct is to minimize the issues,” she says. “It’s not uncommon for the non-toxic partner to justify the toxic behavior by focusing on the good things in the relationship or to blame themselves and think they are the ones who need to work harder or change.”

Toxic people are not always aware of their own destructive tendencies or the behaviors they exhibit. According to Suzie Pileggi Pawelski, a relationship researcher and coauthor of Happy Together with her husband James Pawelski, PhD, director of education in the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, an additional aspect of unhealthy relationships that can be confusing is that they are frequently portrayed in popular culture as being exciting, passionate, and extremely romantic.

“This can cause people to normalize or even idealize toxic behaviors, like a partner saying ‘I can’t live without you,’ ‘I just can’t control myself around you,’ or obsessively wanting to know where you are at all times,” she explains. “In movies, it’s romantic; in real life, those are major red flags.”

So, what exactly makes a relationship unhealthy? It might be difficult to pin down exactly what characteristics of a romantic partnership qualify it as “toxic.” According to Pileggi Pawelski, the term “toxic” is not a clinical phrase; rather, it is subjective, and there is a wide range of behaviors that are detrimental in relationships. On one end of the spectrum, you have individuals who genuinely care for each other but disagree with each other a lot, and on the other end, you have people who mistreat their partners at home. People don’t have much trouble identifying the extremes, but they do struggle to understand what lies in the gray area in the middle.

“Relationships change over time and people are usually on their best behavior at the beginning,” she says. “As you progress some of that naturally wears off. Every relationship will have some problems, it’s not an issue of if you fight, but how.”

Signs you’re in a toxic relationship according to thehealthy.com written by Charlotte Hilton Andersen and medically reviewed by Ashley Matskevich, MD:

• Your partner has no friends-other than you. According to James, it’s beneficial for each partner in a relationship to have their own circle of acquaintances and hobbies outside of the other person. It is therefore a warning sign if the person you are dating discourages you from going out with your friends or the two of you would only participate in activities together if the other person is present. This does not preclude you from participating in activities with your partner or from inviting your partner out with their friends, though. “What it really means is that you don’t have to feel as though you have to do everything with your partner,” he explains. “Successful relationships are characterized by their interdependence, not their dependence on one another.”
• Hanging out with this person leaves you feeling tired and sick. Dr. Vasan explains that your body might send you significant indications about your relationship that your head might not yet comprehend. This could involve symptoms such as persistent stomachaches or headaches (all of which are signs of anxiety), or it could simply be a feeling of being unwell or not being oneself. Ask yourself: Is your relationship helping you to become the best version of yourself, or are they holding you back? “After spending time with them, do you find that you are left feeling stimulated or drained?” she asks. If you find that you are always feeling drained, weary, or on edge, this could be an indication that something is wrong. It is important to keep in mind that even non-toxic couples can go through life experiences that make any relationship more difficult (and can even cause them to feel exhausted or ill), and in these situations, it would be beneficial to engage in some form of introspection or counseling.
• Your partner criticizes you personally or calls you names. Being in a relationship where you demean another person’s personality, values, or physical attractiveness is one of the telltale signs that the relationship is unhealthy. It is okay to talk about things you’d like to change in the relationship. However, the conversation should be focused on working together to change behaviors rather than belittling or criticizing the person themselves. Name-calling is always toxic behavior.
• Your partner is constantly texting you to check-in. Using technology to stay in touch by sending silly memes or to plan the kids’ soccer games is a good thing, but Dr. Vasan says that toxic partners will use the same technology to control you. This could mean that they constantly check your location on their phone, that they ask you to text them often or take pictures to show where you are, or that they ask for multiple promises of love throughout the day.

“Manipulative and controlling behavior of any kind is toxic,” she says.

• They interrupt you constantly or give you the silent treatment.If your partner keeps cutting you off, it means they aren’t listening to what you have to say. In a healthy relationship, listening is one of the most important ways to talk to each other. They also don’t care about your thoughts or opinions if they cut you off. On the other hand, she says, ignoring you or not talking to you is passive-aggressive and sends the same message of disrespect and disdain. It also stops people from talking to each other in a helpful way.
• You’re always apologizing and you’re not sure why. “You make me so angry!” “Stop crying, you’re so needy!” “How could you be so insensitive?” An approach used by toxic partners is to make you feel guilty and responsible for their sentiments or to place all of the blame for problems on you. She reassures you that it’s okay to put yourself first every once in a while, that there’s no shame or guilt in wanting what you want. See if working with a relationship coach can help you handle these challenges more effectively.
• They want you to go on a diet, dye your hair, and get a new job. James says that your partner should love you for who you are, not as a project or something broken that they can fix. It’s fine to point out a partner’s flaws, but it’s not healthy when they try to force or shame you into changing to be the way they want you to be instead of listening to what you want. In a healthy relationship, both people want to get better and work together to do so.
• All of your partner’s exes are “crazy.” It may not be cause for concern if your spouse has had only one “crazy” ex, but if they have had several, the issue is probably not with their exes.

Pileggi Pawelski says, “toxic people will do anything to avoid accepting responsibility for their actions, including attacking and blaming current and past partners.”

• Your partner is obsessed with you. As a result of its initial similarity to true love, this toxic sign is frequently misunderstood. Pileggi Pawelski claims that everyone secretly wishes they were the center of such lavish displays of affection. She warns that obsessive love can spiral into other destructive emotions and actions such as jealously, stalking, and assault. Each pbrtner should continue to pursue their own interests, activities, hobbies, and friends.
• One or both of you has a substance abuse problem. According to Dr. Vasan, toxic or abusive conduct frequently occurs alongside alcohol or drug abuse, compounding the already poor effects on a relationship. You can’t “cure” your partner’s addiction to substances, but you can certainly encourage them to seek professional assistance.

“Remember that ultimately, you cannot change your partner, but you can change yourself, and that may mean leaving the relationship,” she says.

“If you find yourself hiding aspects of your relationship from your loved ones or if you feel like you need to lie to protect yourself or others, that’s a red flag that the relationship is toxic or abusive,” she says.

Final Words

Toxic relationships can be difficult to leave, as many people have been hurt or betrayed by their loved ones. However, this does not mean that you have to remain in a toxic relationship. If you have been feeling like you are in a toxic relationship, you may wish to speak to a qualified psychologist about your relationship.

Originally published at Medium