Juan in isolation

My life was going its usual course. Everything was normal. It didn't change.

But when I saw Behrouz, everything went wrong. The course of life changed. It tilted towards Behrouz.

Maybe if I hadn't seen Behrouz, these things wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have lost my mind. I wouldn't have given in to someone whose heart was with someone else. Only physically with me.

Sometimes he thinks I'm jealous of Manya. But I'm not.

I already knew about their relationship. Manya was my best friend. Behrouz doesn't know. He thinks I don't know Manya. But I know her perfectly. When he wanted to commit suicide, he called me. He talked to me. He said he was doing it for the sake of my best friend. No matter how much I talked to him, he wouldn't give up.

Behrouz was my university sweetheart and my university sweetheart. I left because of Manya. Manya had to reach Behrouz. But Manya got involved with another boy. The father insisted on marriage. The boy had a lot of money. Thankfully, Behrouz didn't know. He thinks he committed suicide because of his father's opposition. If he found out, he would go crazy. There's nothing stopping him. I kept this secret from the beginning. I check every day that Behrouz loves me. But I know he doesn't. He didn't come into my life because of me. There's no love between us. Even when I told Behrouz that I love having a child, I loved our life.

Behrouz: I love it too. If he puts in the damn money, I'll be happy.

Juan: I want a child.

Behrouz: A child in this situation. You don't see my bad situation.

Juan: It's okay. I work. Let's spend.

Behrouz: Having a child is not like that.

Behrouz believes that the world is not beautiful. Let's have children. Let's make the child more miserable. But I thought that if we had children, Behrouz would be mine. Don't think about Manya. I was wrong.

Problems grew like tumors. Cigarettes because of Mania. Higher doses. It tormented me. He had promised not to kill himself. He was destroying himself. I felt more sorry for Behrouz. Who would have thought that Behrouz, the best actor in college, would come to this day. With Mania's suicide, it would not be the same as before.

My love for Behrouz is a one-way highway. Behrouz is not on the road. Only I move forward. My sin is the price of loving Behrouz. I stopped and didn't raise an eyebrow. But he loves Mania. I deceive myself with lies. Behrouz loves me. He even talks about love. But his heart is with Mania. There is not a single bit left for me.

When they announced Mania's suicide, I realized that Behrouz was not his.

I would see Behrouz at university, my heart was beating fast. I would panic. I went forward. The class was an excuse. I started talking. I would gradually fit into his heart.

I thought that one-sided love would make Behrouz interested. It didn't.

One day I wanted to tear up Manya's photo. Forget it. I couldn't. Manya is my friend. I don't want to see Behrouz's sadness.

Every day I review Behrouz, my lover. Engaged in a big lie. I lie to myself. I believe all the lies because of Behrouz's love.

Maybe you shouldn't think about the moment. It moved on. Sometimes it was ignored.

I don't fit in with the people around me. Like popcorn among nuts on Eid night.

A few days ago I talked to Raha. I asked what my future goal is.

Raha without a pause: I don't have any goals.

I wondered if it was possible to have no goals.

Raha: Why not. I don't pay attention to the big goal. I see it in front of me. Small goals lead to big ones. I live in the moment.

Juan: If you don't reach it.

Raha: I'm not greedy. At least I reached the small one. The big one is a gift.

I also look ahead. If I focus on the big one, I'll be destroyed.

Life is passing. We decide whether to be happy or sad. Or ambiguous and nothing. Have fun in life. That's it.

It must be let go. It was of no use.