Should Have Pressed the "Any Key" Instead

Email Fail: When It Comes to My Next Residence, Draws a Blank

My readers already know that many companies use software to send out automatic emails such as automatic replies, follow-up surveys, and advertisements.

The thing is, though, that I'm a former software tester. And I know all too well that software can break in a variety of ways ranging from hilarious to catastrophic. That's not an exaggeration. I worked for Northrop-Grumman and had to fight tooth-and-nail to ensure that an application-crashing bug got fixed. (So when people tell me that I don't support the troops, I have the right to tell them to kiss my snarky ass.)

I just received a reminder that I will never truly escape my previous profession.

I'm thinking ahead to October 2020, where I might have enough money to get an actual permanent residence. I've sent out some inquiries with my name, expected move-in date, email, and phone number. I've received an impressive amount of responses considering that this is a Saturday night.

The response below, however, is not so impressive.

Hi Scott ,

My name is Apartments.Com I’m a leasing guide at Westland and I’m here to help.

It looks like you are interested in a . Good news! We have what you're looking for and ready to move in as of 10/##/2020. The rental on that will be 0.00 per month, however, you may be eligible for specials and/or discounts! Visit our website or call today and find out more information.To set a tour online click here!

If this apartment isn’t a perfect fit, don't stress! We manage more apartment communities in Vegas than anyone else. With so many apartments to choose from, we're sure to find just the right home for you.

Please let me know how I can help. Call me at (###) ###-####.

Hope to hear from you soon, we look forward to welcoming you home!


Las Vegas 

...where do I even begin?

  • His name is Apartments.Com. His name is Apartments.Com. His goddamned name is I don't know who his parents are, but they are clearly guilty of child abuse.
  • I count at least ten grammatical errors.
  • I hate when other people make assumptions out of me, but I don't know how to feel about being told that I'm interested in a .
  • The last time I checked, I didn't live in the Muppet Movie, so the Happiness Hotel is not an option. Therefore, the rental rate of $0.00 sounds far too good to be true, especially with specials and/or discounts. "Well, free sounds tempting, but your competitor's offering me a rental rate of -$215 per month and a free 2-meter-tall Kit Kat bar. Can you top that?"

I didn't want to keep hanging, so I replied instantly.

Hello,! You wouldn't happen to be related to, would you?
My apologies. You must get that question frequently.
I must admit that a rental price of $0.00 per month sounds like a great deal, but I don't think that I can fit myself and my belongings into a .
What I can do -- as a former software tester -- is to inform you that your auto-email software is not configured properly. You should have one of your IT associates recalibrate your software so this doesn't happen again. Just make sure that the IT person looking at your software isn't He'll just blather on and on about how a computer virus and the Democrats are to blame.
I thank you for your time. Give my regards to your spouse
Scott Watson
[email protected]

In my defense, I did provide valuable information.

However, I have a feeling that I'm going to end up perma-banned from that particular apartment complex.

I guess I'll have to find another complex that will let me move into a .

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I have 15 years of experience as a software tester. I've been writing off-and-on for 28 years. I adapt quickly to new technologies and new methodologies. And I believe that humor is the most important social skill.

The Loony Liberal's Lampoonery
The Loony Liberal's Lampoonery

The main purpose of this blog is to deliver zany comedy to its readers. There will be occasions, though, where I'll address topics with more seriousness. This blog will include satire, parody, cultural references, and other scribbles that will make you question my sanity.

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