This story is coming directly from life.
It’s not just about weed, it’s about addiction. And, no, weed isn’t addictive.
We are the only ones that can make something addictive. Everything we do too much of, and without a good reason behind it, becomes an addiction.
I was a cook in a relatively famous restaurant in my hometown. It was my first job ever, and there is where everything started…
I was sitting on an empty beer keg, about two meters from the kitchen.
A little while ago I was peeling cucumbers, carrots, and potatoes, and was preparing all the necessary products for the day ahead.
Now, I was enjoying a well-deserved cigarette break.
Meanwhile, I was daydreaming about how I will work for myself some day, how I will have a hotel, not just a restaurant, and how I will be living a great life.
Suddenly, the bartender appeared from somewhere, and without any hesitation interrupted my fantasies.
“What's up?!” he asked.
“Not much. Just smoking.” I replied.
“Oh… And what are you smoking?” he asked, smirking.
“Hehe! A cigarette, what else…” I laughed.
“Come with me, I will show you!”
He raised his eyebrows enthusiastically, and walked down the metal staircase, which was leading to the restaurant's underground storage room.
When we reached it’s furthest part, he pulled out a cigarette, obviously made by hand.
“Ooh, I haven't smoked from these in a long time. Let’s see what happens.” I said, slightly amused.
You can leave to your imagination how the work day went after this.
I wasn’t smoking weed for the first time in my life.
I had "met" it a while ago, when I was 15 years old, but I wasn’t smoking very often. Only when there was some kind of occasion.
I haven’t even seen marijuana in the last few years. At the time, I couldn’t even imagine that I can get addicted to anything.
I was thinking that heroin was the only thing that can make one an addict.
I was smoking cigarettes, yes, but I was absolutely sure that I can stop smoking whenever I wanted to stop.
Alcohol and weed were just things I was doing for fun. Well, and because I was seeing others drinking and smoking, and I didn’t want to separate myself from the crowd.
I guess that I just wasn’t aware of it, but yes, one can get addicted to all kinds of things. Not only to drugs, alcohol, or gambling, but to even food, to a person, or to a certain way of life. But because most people see these as pretty normal things, they don’t realize that they could become dependent on them.
Image from Pixabay.
So, I thought the way I was living was perfectly acceptable.
I was just 18 years old, and I had a little more freedom now. I was no longer dependent on the money my father was giving me. I was working, was earning my own money, and in my mind, I was becoming a man.
However, in the same time I wanted to live, to have fun, and to be happy. But it was tough. I was a bit different from everybody else... I was born with a disease, which was seriously interfering with my goals and dreams. And I didn't recognized how I was slipping on the slide, so fast and easy.
Soon, after I smoked in that storage room, I began to regularly buy weed. I liked it so much that I started to smoke every single day. You know... after work, movies and chill.
Everything would’ve been somewhat all right, if I was doing only that, but I didn’t stop with weed. I started drinking alcohol. I was even taking cocaine from time to time. And I was getting sucked by the nearby casino.
So, basically, I was trying to run away from my weighty reality by smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and gambling. All in one!
The worst part of this whole story was that I had received a kidney transplant just a year or so ago, and I was effectively screwing my chance for a very good life.
Plus, I had taken a part from another person, and I wasn’t appreciating it at all.
It’s a real pity that I didn’t understand the scale of the situation, and that I wasted this one-in-a-lifetime chance just a few years later. I somehow wasn’t aware of what I was doing to myself. Or maybe I just didn't want to be aware. I can’t tell for sure… Human psyche is a complicated thing.
I was egoistically blaming my parents, my friends, and everybody else but me, for doing all of the nonsense I was doing, and I was making all kinds of excuses about what was happening with me.
However, at some point I understood that there is no one else to blame but me, so what followed next sent me to a deep hole.
In the beginning I was feeling quite well. Both physically and mentally.
I was living my life. I was having fun. And I thought I was being happy.
Only, I wasn’t realizing that what I was doing to myself was going to slowly but surely cause a total personal collapse, in the form of stress, anxiety, and severe depression.
Maybe, at some point I understood what was happening, but it was too late, and I was already caught in different addictions’ cobwebs.
So, I started lying to myself that everything will be fine, and that I could overcome all of this, without harming myself. But it didn't work out the way I thought it would.
Actually, my excuses were becoming stronger and I was self-pitying myself, instead of taking things in my own hands, and changing my behavior.
I was telling myself that I was doing all of these self-destructive things because I was trying to escape from the constant mental abuse at home, from the blaming, from the insulting, from the taunting, from the complete lack of support from those who were closest to me, and from the overall misunderstanding in my life.
All of these were just excuses, of course, but I just didn’t know it back then, and I wanted the anger I was feeling to somehow disappear, so I fell victim to my own weaknesses.
The only thing I could find peace in was weed.
When I was high, I was forgetting absolutely everything that was burdening my days. It was the only way I could stop the pain. Or, at least, I could pause it for a bit.
Over time, I started smoking even more. I was waking up with a joint, and wasn’t going to bed without one.
Instead of feeling better though, I was getting closed in myself, I was feeling more and more anger, anxiety was appearing more and more frequently, and everything was getting much worse for me.
Instinctively, I was trying to ignore all of that, and I continued smoking for a long time.
So, years went by… Really, really fast. Without making any progress, without achieving anything, without being healthier, not to mention my dreams of having a hotel were destroyed and long forgotten.
I reached a point in which I totally lost my health. All the smoking, drinking, gambling, drugs, stress, restfulness, and whatnot bullshit that was happening to me just destroyed my whole being.
It got so bad that I had to be put on dialysis. And that was the moment in which despair really kicked in, and I fell into the swamp of depression.
I closed myself at home, and stopped going out. I was only seeing a few people, and that was mostly at night time, to smoke some weed. And that’s how marijuana became my only mental support.
However, after a while, my body became sick of it.
I have finally realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was getting physically overwhelmed, I had no energy, and I was spending 12 to 16 hours a day smoking, stuffing myself with junk food, and wasting my time. Year after year.
On top of that, I was becoming paranoid, and I was starting to hate everyone and everything.
I was giving all of my money up to the last cent, and sometimes I was even borrowing, so I could keep buying marijuana.
But the worst thing about all of this was that I started to despise myself, and to hate myself. So, it almost destroyed me, and I was literally ready to kill myself.
I just got to a point where I was thinking that I had nothing left to live for anymore. And, you know… "Hope dies last.", but I was feeling like it has died too.
Image from Pixabay.
Despite all that had happened to me in those dark times, this was actually what made me start changing my life.
I finally accepted that all of it was only my fault and nobody else’s. I stopped making excuses. And I completely changed my values and beliefs.
It was because of what I have gone through that I took the path to awareness.
It was because of all of these mistakes I’ve made that I started to look at life in a totally different way.
Well, it could’ve been a lot easier, for sure, but I don’t think I would’ve developed the toughness I have today and I would not have become the person I am, so I don’t regret it at all. In fact, I’m grateful for what has happened!
Everybody is going through different disasters in their lives, and everybody makes mistakes. However, anybody can correct these mistakes, learn from them, and never repeat them again. All they have to do is to want it badly. I repeat, to want it badly!
Once we get out of the trap that our addictions had put us in, we can unleash all of the positive traits and qualities we have. And this is what could change our lives completely.
It doesn’t matter when we become aware of it, from unconscious, uneducated, and judgmental, we could become thinking, conscious, and responsible individuals.
At first, quitting may seem not only difficult, but impossible.
However, if you have the real desire to change yourself for the better, it will be getting easier in the first few days, and it will be getting much better and even much easier with time. As an end result, you will start feeling great.
What helped me overcome my different addictions was that I realized that we humans have to learn to accept the thing inside of us that had pushed us to seek for relief in whatever we are addicted to in the first place.
Then, we have to learn how to be grateful, how to calm our minds down, and how to love ourselves.
Only then we will we be able to deal with whatever is poisoning us.
It's all about acceptance…
We are often unconsciously hiding our good, beautiful, and successful sides from our own selves, and if we don’t put our positive and negative sides in some kind of a balance, we simply can’t accept ourselves the way we are, and can’t beat our addictions.
Image from Pixabay.
It’s definitely not a good idea to try to prepare some good looking and delicious salads for the clients of the restaurant you are working in, while your brain wants to be relaxing somewhere on a beach, while enjoying the waves hitting the shore. ;)
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