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I think most people wonder about their own existentialism.
I wonder when the day will be that I would be able to relax and be myself while also being able to hang out with someone who wants to be around me. Someone who wouldn't mind being intimate, but also not completely lazy like a couch potato.
Someone who would like working out on their own time. Weird, right? Ever seen a couple working out together? I think that's weird.
What are my priorities?
Seems like all my priorities in life are backward. And "God" isn't going to give me what I want. "He" will however, give me what I "need." Perhaps I am meant to live a sad, unfulfilling life. How dreary. Or maybe that's what I have done to myself?
Thinking about these things makes me feel dark - to believe I've been living a "good" life, aside from all the sin that has very literally held me back from my true potential (porn, self-loathing, judgmental of others, etc.) I don't do things that would tempt others to sin - nope, that's wrong. I have done that many times. I have tempted women to partake in lustful thinking.
I hate myself - all those memories remind me how much I don't deserve to be happy. Now that I've given my life to Christ (though I haven't surrendered, which I think is an important distinction), it's like I've sealed the deal on my own misery. What a horrible way to think of this new life.
Are they happy?
Do you think people hat have what they need are happy? I will ask the barista. She says that I limit what happiness means. Like if someone is experiencing pleasure, whether that is sexual, those pleasures aren't necessarily bringing those people happiness.
I agreed - I think being "happy" is an umbrella term that could mean many things.
What is happiness?
If God is "saving" me from worldly pleasure, what is the point of living one's life as a human? What is the point of satiating my hunger in the morning if I'm going to be alone throughout the day?
I would rather not exist if there is no actual purpose for me to exist. It may be said that I should screw and make a family - that's all well and good, but it does not satisfy the need to be alive - living becomes more selfish, because I will then only think about my own family as if my family is somehow more important
but maybe that's the point
and live merrily when one can
though, I sometimes want more than I have
I want more friends who are willing to commit sins
that is my weakness.
A test or temptation?
How do people get through life with only what they have? How can people be truly content? I also wouldn't even take advantage of the opportunity God (or maybe the devil) presents me; whether it's temptation or a test.
This idea I have maintained all these years, that others are also hyperfixated on sexuality, the barista claims is simply not.
She claims that, if I am trying to get laid, I shouldn't even be trying to make friends with women. I might have claimed that and those might actually be my words.
Panic; Don't. Just. Breathe.
Become okay with going without constantly ejaculating on every woman's body, without constantly being involved with what the women are doing. Become okay with things as they are. Stop fantasizing about what could be and focus on what already is. Worry not about those who are going to do things out of control.
This is a deliverance from a life of feeding my seuxally promiscuous thoughts. There are many changes that must take place, one important one is to serve my Mother while she is willing & able.
Become okay with
- Being disengaged
- Not being sexually turned on all day
- Idle time and feeling relaxed
I oftentimes push the boundaries to the point that being around me prompts the negativity bias in others. I come from a place that I was never allowed to do what the others were doing - I never wanted what the others were doing, in fact.
Pushing back on my reality
Now that I am in a place that feels like this is it - I push back the reality that there really is nothing I can do beside live the life I've created. And I'm okay with that. I'm okay spending two hours writing & transcribing how I feel this morning. In fact, I prefer it. It's slow - it's not something I would do unless I had the perfect environment to do it in.
I am where I want to be, in this moment, but I need to learn to be okay with this reality, too.
Imagine what it would be like to meet someone like me in real life. Your conversations would consist of becoming aware of the existentialism which is the very real reality we are experiencing, but which also must be surrendered to God - how we do these things is the path I'm venturing now.
Imagine having a friend who wants straight talk as we live soberly - straight talk without drugs that create altered states of consciousness. I think that although I wish I were someone else, I don't at all wish I was anywhere or anyone else. I wish I was more like I am, less caring about what is going on around me.
In fact, I do wish these things. I wish more that I was even more ready to devour a philosophy book & read more into the Bible and what it all means. But also, I need to become mindful of the fact that I am actively avoiding working on my Mom's house with my Mom, because I feel trapped when I am with my Mom.
I have to become okay with feeling trapped to allow myself the calm necessary to work through the projects that must be performed at home. I must spray the bugs so that the bugs do not infest my Mother's house. I must venture to do these things, because this is the life I have created and I love this life. I love this life because that is what the life God wants me to live.
Whose life am I living?
If God wanted me to be intimate with a woman, it wouldn't be so hard, right? When the time is right - and I trust in God and I surrender to Him completely. That will be when my life will make more sense. Right? This is what I hope, because trying to attain intimacy without God in my life has been forever a thing I wished I could attain, but I never have.
Yet I am so upset with the fact that I haven't attained what I desire, but I am also happy I have not that which I desire - those worldly desires after all, do not bring happiness. They are incarnations of a miserable person's misery.
I experience existential crises every few days & I'm wrapped up in my daydreams.
I'm overwhelmed by crowds and can appreciate personal interactions on a level which allows me to bounce my existential ideas off of people who actually want to hang around me. I also want to ensure that the other person wants to have that conversation.
I'd like to be sure that what I'm experiencing is mutual.
And that the person is just as into the idea as I am.
I like it when others are into what I'm into.
I'd like to ensure I can maintain satisfaction for the other person.