Skull photo by Mitja Juraja from Pexels

The devil will get you at every turn if you let him

By fenix-aarizon | Fenix Mind Dumps | 24 Apr 2022

Skull photo by Mitja Juraja from Pexels

What is one reason we don't lose our mind making sense of our "demons," which are really just emotions we have not come to terms with as adults. How much of what we feel actually matters? Hardly anything I am feeling means anything at all in the real tangible world. Yet what we do in this tangible world has real consequences.

Allowing the devil in

There's another thing about how I feel; how can I allow myself to believe that what I think about myself can actually change how I act? How can I allow myself to think that my feelings don't actually matter? My emotions don't actually matter? They do! They really do.

The other thing. What we do in this tangible world matters. Our actions matter. How we comport our self will cause others to feel some way. Granted how they react to what we do is out of our control, I think we underestimate the power of our actions.

Being & remaining mindless

Perhaps we do not see the effects of our actions. Perhaps we are not around long enough to see how what we do actually affects others life. Some of us are too afraid to stick around long enough to be a part of the effect from which we've caused.

What becomes of me if that insufferable part of me begins to control my actions? It has. It surely has. I used to ride a motorcycle; the act of going nowhere is really quite exhausting. I used to ride - away from what ailed my conscience. This was a response to feeling that I needed to escape; it was not a solution to the problem of needing to find peace within myself while being in the places which caused me angst.

What becomes of me if I allow my sin to take over my good will toward others? Danger. Danger. Danger. Why would I want to allow something to take over me and destroy the things I've been building? This is the devil. This is the works of evil. Let us not welcome the devil in through the doorstep to our soul, if we can help it. Turn away the devil; he has no place in our life. Turn him away now!

Try Me - foxwedding (Spotify)
I love this noise.

Through the pain, the devil may, if allowed, access my cortex & move me in ways I would not allow if I was not in this place, this mood. I am not suggesting in any way that I am possessed. There is no reason I should claim that I am unable to control myself, but there is a strong urge to stand beside myself and allow that energy to exhaust itself through me; I tend to become busied by things which have no meaning.

In this way, I fall against the devil's placards as if he has taken over the vessel of my soul even if just for a short time while I become busy enough to pretend that I am not being possessed by the idea of the devil's influence. This all sounds too dark & demonic, but part of my anxiety is his work; it is not at peace.

This feeling is the opposite of being okay with who I am & where I reside at a given time. It's the devil telling me there is no escape; telling us. So we begin to run - away. Yet there is no place where we might find our self where we aren't there, beside our self; allowing the devil to move us.

On the other side; I did find a place. A library corner where I can look out to a pond and blast defeaning amounts of organized noise into my head, overpowering the devil which tempts me to move to another place; wasting all my days by moving from one place to the next, never finding a place to think & sort my thoughts.

This day - I've found it. This time, I've won. I'm writing and I'm free from the devil telling me this isn't going to work. At some point I think that this dark figure will always test me; always tell me I am worth less than I am. While I am at work; it will tell me I am useless. While I am at church, it will tell me I shouldn't cry. While I am with my Mom, it will tell me I cannot love her how she has loved me.

The devil is perhaps the thing that I always feel exists as that other side of myself, yet I have been in contact with people who have declared they've been freed from this thing, yet others say - it's a daily battle. Let me be honest: I have no idea where I'm going. That's what drives me crazy.

Now I feel empty. Now I feel nothing. Like the need to write has left me. Maybe this is just the high of caffeine and then bust; as if there's no resources left to fuel the fire which has now smoldered and burnt thin and vague. Is that what being bipolar feels like? You're up - then down. Now what? I have to stick with it. I'm not done writing. Not yet.

What becomes of me

If I give up control of my Ultimate to the devil? Death - he will wish I'd let myself die, because that is what the devil wants. He wants us to sacrifice our self not for righteousness, but for destitute bankruptcy. He wants us to kill our selves in light of the fact that God is trying to help us out of this mire.

Through the pain, if not allowed to be serviced by Christ, death grabs & takes us underwater. The idea of death will drown us. The devil will weigh us to the bottom of a large, deep pool. A pool at night which is not lit. Then, the sharks will devour us while we struggle to detach the weight from our ankles. It is a desperation. This place I sometimes go in my mind, feels like I am drowning. The day is lost and the devil has won.

But no - not today. I am still fighting, emotionally, spiritually. I want to be around people - yet I am aware they too are struggling. This is why I cannot place too much of my faith in others. They are as fallible as I am. The falsehood lies in our tendencies to sin. Imagine a beautiful woman who we sit beside - this is the siren. This is like crashing a car into that pool I just mentioned and being stuck there, because we have to stop and appreciate this beautiful creature God has created, but I doubt God has brought her into our vicinity.

Moorhouse by Kamandi (Spotify)

While the only way out seems like the way of all flesh, the Elders claim it too - is a trap. The trap of physiological sin. The trap of placing too much of our own peace in something that is also just as lost as we are. This is why God tells us no one is righteous, no, not one is righteous. Let us not be fooled by the appeal of the comfort that flesh might bring us. This is a lie, wrapped up in awfully pleasant curves.

I have to make it one more day. I have to survive another day. I am hungry - should I eat? I must walk out of this place and successfully attain a meal. That meal will have its own struggle, though it indeed will be an easy meal. The temptation will be to eat more than I need. I will not fall to that one - that's easy.

I should go workout. This is the way of God. To expel energy in light of the fact that I am exhausted by the devil trying to cause an insurrection in my soul. I can run today. It is Sunday and I have a gym membership. I can do that well - I will run and then finish with a nice shower and go to the next place.

God let me arrive. The devil is a liar.

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