Man overlooking valley by Muhammad Akfi from Pexels

Journaling on the 26th of April, 2022

By fenix-aarizon | Fenix Mind Dumps | 26 Apr 2022

Photo by Muhammad Akfi from Pexels

Getting ready for the real me

"Think positively," the Barista says. These kinds of things are as valuable as donating a few dollars to charity. It won't last long, but it's a kind gesture.

Every day seems like I'm taking one step closer to the edge, spiritually. I'm caught feeling like I want to cry out literally. I feel like I want to scream into the ether. A Head Pastor at home group last night said, "You need to pray for self-control."

Without messing up as often as I do, I feel like there would be no way for the others to bring up these suggestions as to changing my behavior.

I think it is too often assumed that we know how & when to act. I feel like there are more controversial conversations that I need to have, to fully grasp the seriousness of behaving appropriately. I need to hear it from other people - I need to be put in my place. Just after stating the fact that I was definitely flirting with someone's fiance (who were both in the group at the time), I suggested I, "need to be put in my place."

Selfish. I'm selfish. And I think sexually immoral thoughts, involving too many people and involving both male & female.

Somewhat annoying, totally personal

I'm drawn to people, yet I annoy them. "What am I doing?" I wonder. Secretly I want people to not enjoy being around me. When I am in the mood of self-deprecation which occurs more often than believing I'm worthy of the love of others, I want other people to tell me I'm worthless. I want them to hit me and I want them to tell me to go away.

Being worth of another's love - it reminds me of how my Dad treated people he "loved," and though I know for a fact that was not LOVE, but rather it was more to do with his own selfishness; verbal & physical (child) abuse, cheating, deceiving the two wives he had, leading his family astray (apart from God), all these things were self-destructive. He spent so much time building up a family while simultaneously tearing it apart.

I'm noticeably letting go

This feeling that I'm holding on to things which are not good for me, the angst thereof, the struggle of letting go or the desire to be noticed of letting go; to become in touch with tangible things - people, for instance. It's becoming a mode of desperation. The need to let go of my traumas is actually destroying my potential today and it has become quite apparent, to everyone.

A woman in home group whom I adore & love tells me, "When you talk down on yourself, it's sad. When you speak of these things, you speak of death." it's not fair to anyone else who are trying to be positive in their lives to bring up the dreariness of it all. If perhaps I choose to breathe life into a conversation, they may vibe with that.

I will have to fake it a few times, before I know what I'm doing. To really know how to breathe life into life - it's not as easy as breathing death into life, because my tongue is wretched with decaying remarks about myself & others. There is power in what I say, to my self - to the others. We just went over the power of tongues two weeks ago.

The power to change the world starts with what we say and how we say it.

The thing about being a part of a community which will hold us accountable is being able to know when to take something seriously. If I were to make what everyone was saying as a complete joke - I think that is when they would lose respect for me. I just think, "If I were them, how would I feel if someone in my position made fun of what clear & obvious lessons I was portraying?" I wouldn't feel good.

The apex of the matter

Take serious all things which matter enough to the community to discuss. If we ask about it, it becomes a matter of serious dialogue. Think about the fact that most people would rather NOT be spending what little free time they have with someone who is not taking life seriously.

Home groups can become serious in a split second, depending on the controversy of a subject that is brought up. It can go from a light-hearted Scriptural reading to an intense discussion like the ones I often make out of feeling the urgency to ask the kinds of questions which people can relate to & contribute their inspirational anecdotal bits of treasure to a conversation.

Better questions make for better answers

I love turning people on in the way that a good question makes people think & desire to add their perspective on. I tested the idea on my home group, actually.

I was told to speak less. Granted, I agreed with this person. I do ramble sometimes and wanted to become more aware of it. I want to encourage others to speak - "I'm the asker of questions, not the answerer of them," as I say.

Being the person who incites a 20 minute conversation where other people can't wait to add their perspective is an exciting experience. I want to draw that out of others.

So I tested this thing, the gentleman asked me to speak less, to speak - but give others time to speak, too, because the others also want to share something. I maliciously complied with the request to see what it was like. I actually felt tense.

I felt like I was closing the floodgate to important dialogue when I remained silent in the corner I sat, beside another male. I tried to withhold all body language, which made me even more tense. I smiled & chuckled at a few things, perhaps even laughing alongside the male I sat beside.

Beside what little interaction I had, I pent up my self-hate and released a fragment of it in two questions & one confession at the end of the meeting.


Question 1: How do I bring up something without becoming dramatic?

One woman cried out, "He's annoying me. Earlier today - such and such, he won't quit it."
And though I was not actually referring to that experience earlier in the day, this person thought I was referring to that interaction I had with them. That's okay - I can see how she must've felt if I had brought something up which reminded her of it.

Anyway, I was asking that question, because there was something else on my mind. The fact that I had definitely flirted with a woman whom I knew was engaged and who was also sitting in the room, the same room where her fiance had been sitting. We were all together. I wanted to bring up the fact that I was flirting with her - but I wasn't sure how. This turned into a group-oriented confession (below).

Question 2: I forgot the second question I asked.


Confession: I "bought" a free drink for this young woman in an act to flirt. Granted, it didn't start as an act to flirt; it started out of a friendly gesture.

The conversation which ensued was necessary, but it won't happen again, because the leadership advised me to bring it up privately. Some things, even in the highly personal setting of home group where everyone knows everyone - even then, there are things which should not be discussed. I think because it causes too much of a distraction from the group topics.

The point of it was - quit it.

Forfeit your struggle to God

To forfeit these struggles I hold onto so dearly, the aim is not to submit our self to the devil. The ultimate goal is to surrender to God alone. For it is faith in God alone which develops our ability to overcome sin.

Perhaps the devil would have me believe I'm better off dead or alone. The danger might exist when I begin believing that thing.

The danger might be when I am on the verge of carnal self-destruction.

Every day now I feel like imploding (not the morning I wrote this, however). It's because I've gone from pretending having it together to now submitting myself to being held accountable for what I tell myself.

Just the morning I wrote this, I declared my church wants to develop long-term relationships with its people. Lifetime memberships, if you will. The idea is to become so willing to grow with each other, that there is then no way to hide from sin.

Confessing one's sin is an act of becoming vulnerable. And we have to come to appreciate criticism, because once all is revealed, then there will be this aura surrounding our actions afterwards. It's like people bless each other with angels after they submit their sins to the group. You get prayed for. The important thing is to ensure that we become serious in our desire to actually change.

Every time I see a young woman - my mind goes to the bed with them. The biological desire to make girls & women subservient is strongly related to how my own Father womanized females. He would sleep with whom ever he chose, and those women were always trying to get after something - it was a transaction. Sex for - tires. Sex for college funds. Sex for a weekend of "normalcy."

I'm sure they wanted it too, but it seems like my Dad was the "player." and oh how it disgusted everyone in the family. Oh how it decimated our own self-worth. Yet somehow my Mom was attracted to this man. I don't blame her - he was a good-looking stud. And though I am writing bad of my Father in this moment, I'm sure there will be moments when I write about how great he was.

Objectifying the young women

I watch a young woman walk into this coffee shop I'm at; I see a highly sexual version of a person. I want to de-sexualize girls & women, and some day I will appreciate the fact that I, with the help from my community & God & of myself, was able to change from this perverse state of mind I walk in, to a place where I could become a leader and preach to others who are perverse. There is strength in overcoming the struggles of the flesh, surely.

Let us not die with the regret of not changing.

Encourage good faith

It will annoy other people who spend their life positively affirming their own existence; the ordeal seems so disorienting.

Generally, we should be encouraging our self to act in good faith - well, that's because temptations are ever more present in the ones who are trying to be better people, while still struggling with the idea that they operate in the flesh.

Dedicating one self to a higher order means the downfall becomes more serious. Especially the ones who are trying to become righteous. The drag of flesh is strong, but it will only convince us of its power over our willingness to change if we empower the devil & sin.

It's pretty silly how much power we submit to the devil. And out of all the time I've had on earth, how much little time I've spent actually, consciously improving myself. It's saddening to think that I am somehow good - yet I have the greatest flaws a man could have. It makes me feel powerless when I do not have self-control, espcecially over things which I feel are a part or an extension of me - such as my biological motivation to become this producer of sexual excitement. I'm sure women identify with that.

I don't want to be this way anymore.

The doubt I have about myself tends to surface when I'm in the wrong moods, which I seem to gravitate to, far too often.

I think women & especially young women may be attracted to the idea of a strong male figure, but the truth is that most men today are weak, because we are selfish people. Weak men are selfish men. And if a man is seeking out a teenager or young woman, you can bet that man is struggling with something, mentally.

It is one thing to believe we are something; perverted. It's another to attempt to establish a lifestyle around that thing; sex with girls & young women. It's not okay. I don't feel like it's okay. It's bad, because I've entertained the idea in the past.

And I see too, that girls & young women want that kind of fling, too. But that's not because it's good for them - they are just as lost as I am. They think it's fun or think they're mature enough to make that choice. This is the devil speaking into our life.

This is not manly. What my Dad used to do to girls & women was not manly. It was cowardly. It was asinine and it was demeaning to the highest degree.

Give up that control, yo

Perhaps the feeling, the feeling of giving up control to the tricks of the devil is like drinking sweet posion like Whiskey.

This seems to be the exact kind of ammunition I'm giving to the enemy to use against me. Perhaps you should not release things of this nature - for you yourself will be tested. It's important to see the lies of the devil for what they are.

The devil and those who want to catch you; they will try. That tends to be their jobs - they're waiting so patiently until you fuck up and then they'll pounce.

This is the kind of thing my Dad did, so I guess it's nice to know that people will trick us, when they know what buttons to push. It's manipulative behavior by people with narcissistic tendencies.

Everyone has demons. Don't become the target - get help early on. Tell the right people (pastor, therapist, counselor, etc.)

The struggle is real, therefore so is the devil

I am sure, from what I can tell from the kinds of lifestyles others have lived; giving up control to the devil is NOT a pleasant life to lead. Engaging in the very thing we're being tested by would be a FAIL.

My church, of sinners

Knowing the congregation sturggles with the sin of flesh (albeit not to the degree I struggle with it), it must feel empowering to tell another person to stop misbehaving - while they sit on their high horse.

The most convicted ones come froma a highly disrespectful, highly immoral place. The loves these types of people have for others, I sense is quite genuine. There's no way these people would otherwise spend as much time mentoring other people if they didn't have the kind of guilt they have to live with, knowing how screwed up they are.

If we cannot overcome desire without God, there is no reason to entertain having a relationship with someone, right? Or maybe there is reason.

It's easy for someone who had gotten everything they could ever get from other people to then turn from that kind of sin and declare it is not good - but for someone to not come from the background of sin, such as a person who grew up "perfect," to mentor the youth from that position, I'm just not so sure it's as meaningful as a convert.

I think I drive myself to these places of deep wondering; I've been so far unwilling to surrender to God, but the threat is right in my face - the idea of sex with many women does not in itself seem appealing. Why would I watch as much porn as I have, thinking it would be okay?

Pornography has mentally destroyed me. It had made me weak. Without God, I have nothing. I am nobody.

So it's causing the kind of angst that most people struggle with. The idea of sin to satisfy my own desires (selfishness) is ever present. It's more-so, because of the fact that I am now consciously attempting to overcome it.

Whereas before I was merely acting beside myself, satisfying the lust of watching pornography, pleasing myself. This is selfish. This is not manly.

I've come a long way from the abuse my Father dealt to girls & women, but I've a long way to go yet.

I had a strange dream.

I was caring for this humanoid create. I thought it was a girl but it ended up being this infantile boy with a penis. It had huge cartooney eyes, disproportionate to the rest of the head.

I think it sort of woke up and was of its penis. From either its penis or some other part of its body began spawning flesh-ball-like spiders which crawled up my arms, around my back, and into my ears.

While I was holding this creature which was not human I somehow simultaneously plugged my ears with each of my index fingers to prevent the siege on my brain.

These spiders were crawling into my ears and somhow getting to my brain, like parasites.

I told my Pastor about this, and his interpretation has been in accordance with everything else I've been talking about with him - my sense of sexual immorlity.

He sent me a long text...

Last dream you had was a mini you, trapped in a bed that wasn't a bed and you needed a baptism.

Now this false you that is again the undeveloped you who is "too sexually overly concerned" is torturing your mind with false truths - demonic torture associated with misplaced sexual advances... you really need some people around you that say, "grow up," develop beyond your sexuality, rebuke the demonic spiders, and embrace your true identity as a child of God.

Time to embrace your child of God identity and rebuke your obsession with your sexual idenity. YOu are so much more. Healthy sexuality will only come when you embrace a healthy you and that only comes by surrender to God.

What a powerful interpretation.

This is Fenix Mind Dumps...until next time!
Be good to your self, be good to others.

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