That feeling you get when after someone reminds you of something that feels so distant yet was a mere two days ago. It feels like the experience came from many months or years ago. What is that phenomenon? I think when I experience some things, it's as if my brain tucks away the memory of it deep into my mind, as if automatically my mind has decided that should be tucked away deeper than other memory.
What is that feeling when you think you've come so far and that thing you've thought was such a distant memory? I wonder.
Let's do some "research." First thing which came up was "dissociative states."
So I wonder if I've experienced dissociative states without realizing there was a proven science behind certain criteria. It's almost like a sorting algorithm wherein the mind is programmed to perform a particular command on input and store that data in a compartment specific to those kinds of memories.
And while I would place a limitation on my own experience as non-trauma, perhaps the way I handle my emotional states of mind are such that they are processed according to the criteria which are handled in a dissociative manner which begets compartmentalized, distanced memories.
Because of this sensitivity, I tend to think in terms of doing what is necessary to avoid discomfort in any given moment when I am able to choose what I do with the feelings, such as being off work. On my days off, I will go out of my way to drive more often, because it allows me to feel I am going somewhere yet I don't feel the anxiety of needing to be somewhere.
It doesn't help, but I also tend to become fixated on people & things. Achieving virtue then I think, isn't the absence of things & people but rather a change of how those things are perceived. What will help me is how I perceive the condition of my mind.
I reckon women who dress a certain way are doing so for many reasons that they'd rather not talk about. It's not helpful that when I ask them why they do things the way they do, they can brush me off as creepy, yet I ask a man and we can start a conversation about logic & reason. Or maybe this is just my perception; maybe I'm asking the wrong women at a bad time & asking the right men at the right time. Who knows? This is just a blog.
It's a slippery slope when discussing the sexualization of women because that may lead to some people claiming that rape is somehow justifiable. That's the depth of the problem when encouraging the debate on modesty.
My mind continues to wander
There's nothing on my mind that is allowing me to enjoy my Saturday.
- I left my Mom this morning (one day before Mother's Day) telling myself & my Mom that I ought to stay.
- Leaving the house, I went to a specific coffee shop and it didn't feel like I should've been there, so I left for another one.
- I was not comfortable in the other as I tend to arrive just before a rush of foot traffic, so I left that one too.
- Now back at the one I was before - I am writing about how much I can't enjoy my Saturday.
- And I literally wrote all these points in bullet points.
Half the battle is actually getting to the place I can sit comfortably enough to focus & write. WHy is this pen's top so heavy? Yet works okay. It encourages me to write lightly, that I don't appreciate.
Imagine a 7.62USD for two pens being less enjoyable than a pack of blue "extra smooth & reliable" BIC pens for 1.62USD.
THere's no place to rest after I wanked last night and today I can feel the angst of needing to move - like it's a primal urgency, not an anxiety. Does that mean it's a calling that suggests I do something beside sit and write? No. I must write. It is the way.
Why can't I talk about "it," there should be a way. (I don't know what I was writing about, perhaps sexuality)
Oh - that thing I wanted to write about; becoming a part of a thing after entering it on the surface. Distance from people gives a sense that one cannot reconcile it while being an actual part of that thing.
From the outside looking in...(I stopped writing)
Why does it matter how I feel? Seems like this whole arrangement about thinking I'm somehow important, buying expensive pens that suck - yuck. Go return them I did. Then I bought PaperMate Atlantis, which still suck but I'm not going to return them.
Dehydrated and feeling it
The gradual change might go something like hydrating after developing a headache & weakness due to a lack of water.
Sitting in a coffee shop partially dehydrated, feeling weak taking it one minute at a time.
What if these urges to become a glimpse in someone's life is necessary to help the "prisoners of the cave" come to the realization of a better, happier ending to their sad, wasted life?
Right now, I am alive and I am well. I'm clearly aware of at least the basis of myself. Perhaps I am also aware of at a couple alternate dimensions: Dreaming, waking, spirituality..
Sometimes I'm certain there are thoughts that shouldn't be published, but also perhaps I should because of that moment (when I think I should not).
I'd like to hide it from the world. It's like a memory dump. To clear my cache - my mental cache. It's perhaps necessary to write, yet it's seemingly unnecessary to publish.
I feel like stretching, napping, swimming - there's plenty of that. I feel like reading, writing, publishing - I have coffee and energy mix. I feel like I'm living the life of someone who never will experience a thing in it's complete beauty. I'm a surface dweller waiting to be scorched by the last dawn.
Going home early
Going home early means searching for explicitly sexual images of nearly naked & naked women because being home allows the privacy but isn't helpful; it's unproductive. Plus there's plenty of time to be home; I'm home up to 10 hours a night.
I can appreciate the free form of doing this thing (writing).
To continue doing this is where I don't understand the point, yet I'd rather do this thing rather than anything else.
Naturally, one will become better at a thing insodoing it, which means I will become better. I will improve whether I want that explicitly. Unintentionally is what I would say.
THrough doing what interests us, regardless of the reasons, we inadvertently become better by doing it.
What we do, while it may not be something we're actively, consciously performing towards, I think we are designed to learn by doing. It's part of the human's ability to survive. Not learning how to do something through work & memory would mean we'd never end up going from crawling to walking and then to running.
If we never learned, we'd end up in prison, dead too early, or teaching others the ways of doing things which honors the devil. We would be living wrongly.
We're designed to learn. It's the bees' knees.
What I especially don't like is the obvious appearance of the aesthetic. Many of our lives are based around an inauthentic self which is an inner disaster. It's a disaster to pretend we are richer, faster, stronger, but it is also a sin & paradox. To pretend we are smarter than we are in actuality is deserving of certain and terrific death.
My mind wanders. The woman in a red dress - I wonder what she is wearing beneath. I wonder, "Does she take care of her body?" My friend today stated my view of (girls &) women must be purified. To overcome the force which though natural, is an ultimately good thing. The purification relates to baptism.
Imagine a world where women can be appreciated, not by their capacity to appeal the senses nor by their seeming ugliness or undesirability, but merely as an extension of God himself. Have you ever approached a woman you felt attracted to? And have you ever approached a woman who you did not feel attracted to? What was the difference?
My experience is I become attracted regardless of her martial status, but I tend to avoid talking to women I find unattractive. I'm tempting myself, then. This is the sexual sensitivity I have toward women, as my Pastor observed.
Imagine a world wherein instead of seeing a sexual object of one's desire and touch of intimate inklings, but one of a complete person with desires and feelings unto them self.
The woman is as autonomous as man. Unfortunately we of the opposite sexes tend to lead each other further from God through our tendency to think & act in terms of the aesthetic appeal.
What must change
To really understand what can change, what must change, it becomes apparent how much work it would take to become someone who is completely changed and convicted of this change; to be without doubt that a person can be trusted with your wife - that is the person I must become. I want to become that, too. I want not to be a distraction or a temptation; that is the only way into becoming relevant to the ultimate goal. That of building community & long-term relationship with others.
I'm not somehow better than the rest. Knowing how many relationships I've corrupted, the benefits seem too few to propagate the idea that living the life of pleasure is somehow more desirable than living a modest, shareable life is quite apparent when one desires more relation rather than temptation.
Temptation is temporary with long-term effects.
For seemingly the few who are happy with the fast life, there seems far too many led astray from its implied benefits: No commitment. No strings attached. No work. A great stress reliever. Improve yourself through casual sex. Gain confidence.
I tend to think or believe those who engage in the aesthetic are actually attempting to cover up how insecure they feel, perhaps about their body or their self-worth.
Yes, I believe the majority are wondering what the hype is all about. Sex on first dates, before marriage, one night stands.
All of these ultimately destroyed the ideals birthed from Luther's Reformation and seems to be the very thing which replaced what we worshipped. That was from God once to now, which is sex appeal and money.
That is why, in Escape From Reason, Francis Schaeffer describes the fall of man after the Reformation to bring down with him, the very thing that was beloved that Luther had encouraged.
It is because we all worship something that we must, then, be careful to worship. This is another thing that was discussed in home group. THe reason why we should gather communally is to bounce ideas off each other.
Am I a waste? Because it seems I spend a whole lot of time figuring things out and none of it is yet fruitful. Where am I going with this? Do I even care? No, I don't. I don't care because this is what brings meaning to my own existence: doing something that I can lament on & wither away with. My own words from countless hours of fomenting over meaningful ideals. Isn't that the gist of life? Maybe I am nihilist after all. Maybe this thing isn't about me after all.
But that is all, until next time.
- Fenix Mind Dumps