Cute woman by Myicahel Tamburini from Pexels

Abstaining desire - Fenix Mind Dump

By fenix-aarizon | Fenix Mind Dumps | 8 May 2022


Photo by Myicahel Tamburini from Pexels

#CringeWarning

I'm not sure where I should go from here. Also, this is a Fenix Mind Dump. It's mere scribblings of my wandering mind. Proceed at your own risk.

I'm not sure who I am, but I tend to like putting words together to make up meaning about certain things. It's all rather pointless though. I saw a strong man and slim woman just as I arrived at this coffee shop I go to: They appear to have their shit together and love every minute of it. I'm comparatively weak both mindfully and physically. I can't measure up against the competition. I just wanted to let you know, because I'm losing my head again. It's so easy to lose what little confidence one built up through the puny insignificance I am.

You've been warned...This is a list of endless ramblings that has been written to pass the time. I might go kill myself now (not serious), but I feel like if I drank (alcohol) right now and was alone (because I don't frequent that lovely social life), it would be easy to pull the trigger because my mood swings just make me feel that pathetic.

If that's not a red flag, I dunno what is. I knew that leaving my Mom at home this morning was a bad idea; my day has been wasted on this journal entry, so I hope you find some meaning in it, or perhaps you're here because you too have to kill some time. Either way - this is Fenix Mind Dumps. You're welcome here, but don't hate me if, if you get to the end of the article, you feel you've just wasted 15 minutes of your life. Maybe I will drive to a parking garage now and write in my journal as I sit somewhere pleasant. It is getting dark though, so I will have to find a place with some light. Maybe I'll take a picture.

They work hard for it

Women who dress in revealing clothes tend to cover themselves as if they don't actually want people to see what they're showing off.

Why dress that way? It's not for just anyone. I think they are dressing for someone in particular. Like women try to attract a certain & particular gaze, but ... it's all just unreasonable.

What likely will happen

The likelihood of the one thing happening that you expect is literally going to be the least likely scenario.

This is along the lines that we can wish & want all we can with our being, but the likelihood that we can make happen something that would not likely already occur is - well, I don't know if there is a term for it.

I wish I could meet the one today, every day. However the most likely scenario unfolding is that I meet someone I end up wasting my time with. I'm not about to sacrifice all this valuable time to read & write looking for a woman to lay with in the evening.

What would likely happen, if I were to will into extence a relationship is that I will find myself unhappy and discontent with her because out of my own selfish necessity to become sexually validated by a woman will bring about nothing of actual usefulness. I will become a busybody whose aim is to satisfy only himself and his lover.

What dos thou treasure?

Yet, the usefulness of one's gaze through an earnest & hearty sex appeal is just the thing I seem to lack. Through a lack of it, I feel I am less of a person because I have become hyperfixated on the sexual appeal of women.

I suppose what I'm claiming is that there is a time and place for every kind of relationship, but to create one out of selfishness would imply that my life can become even less meaningful. If I ever got what I wanted, would I be happy or would I merely become spoiled?

To become a better person through the intellect & spirit, one must experience an absence of that thing which one desires, because the absence of a thing is what builds resilience against it; by not indulging desire.

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You can do it

As long as I continue to approach women with sex on my mind, the likelihood of meeting a woman who would be willing to sleep with me tends to rise, but only as long as I continue to approach women. I know this as a matter of fact because one of my Brother In-Laws informed me, "It's a numbers game." he was generally intelligent, but definitely a shallow kind of guy during that part of his life, when he was unwilling to lay with only one woman; I think people who tend to sleep with many people have this resentment to traditional ideals; of modesty.

This whole idea of sleeping with women casually seems appealing, because it must feel good to be close to someone a few hours before going to sleep. Yet the whole idea of casual sex causes me significant distress, because successfully sleeping with strangers goes against everything in my being that tells me that is not becoming of a Christian stoic. Yet still - I look at GIFs of other people having sex online.

A straight, strong, independent woman knows what kind of guy I am - a failure. An incel. She sees through me. She sees her weaker sibling. It is in this respect that I will have the utmost difficulty overcoming; I wasn't raised to be strong & independent. I've been raised to rely on my own feelings more than other's feelings. I've been raised as a pussy - raised by a coward who only appeared to have his shit together. At least I'm self-aware - that might stand for something, right?

The people I've heard who casually lay with strangers tend to regret their choices because they allowed their decision making to become detrimental to the production of their own life, that their choices to lay with those people had then corrupted their other priorities. Two who were married, in one of their past lifes were sleeping with different people at different times.

"I love my life." said the woman. She is a passionate person; it's easy to see how her kind of passion might be exploited if led astray. By the time I met her though, she had overcome her tendencies to lay with many men. The whole life of being uncomitted while married seems perhaps worse than not being married, but there's nothing for young people these days to get out of their own way, because they are single - they don't have the same responsibility as married people, who've made a commitment.

How to get out of your own way

Now this is a good one... I wonder if there's even a way for me to get out of my own way. Maybe do some reading about getting out of one's own way

It may not seem apparent at first, but a lot of our own commotion is us getting in the way of true progress; perhaps we're dancing to get some boy's attention, but the reality of it is - that boy is a jerk and doesn't care about us - all he wants is to touch our boobs. Maybe I shouldn't talk from a woman's perspective... That's so weird.

Perhaps we're standing like a brute, showing the work of all that heavy lifting we do at the gym every morning to gauge how much that woman appreciates our strength. We think, "Even though I'm short, she might like it when I can carry her to bed." as the natural predator, then we make the first move and go in for the kill, per se. This is probably not how things usually go, unless you're VroomVroomDana, but I think even he is in a commited relationship. Coincidentally, I just saw a tall, very ripped (muscular) man with a short, slim woman. I'm sure they have fun.

Anyway - get out of your own way. Live the life God intends for you; do not make things that were not supposed to exist. Listen to your heart, not your reproductive organs.

Do I even believe myself? I don't think my own opinion is valuable enough for me to even sound credible. I just want to go get drunk and socialize. Why can't I allow myself to do even that?

Allegory of the cave

My friend brought up the Allegory of the cave story by Plato.

In a sense, it's my friend who is drawing me away from a shackled lifetime of perceiving things not only as they are in their natural form (curvy, sexually appealing), but one which allows me to see nature under the light of the world as God would prefer it to be experienced; in the image & likeness of God.

My friend would be the so-called freer of [my] shackles.

The idea is to become impermeable to what women want.

  • For example: Some women go out of their way to get our attention. We know it - they know it. We're all aware of what's happening, right? She wants the dick.

The next idea is to become impermeable to what we want.

  • For example: We begin to talking to some women because we feel sexually attracted.

The last idea is to become impermeable to being seen as someone who gives chase to single women.

  • For example: Do not test how far we can go with women.

A distraction in the form of injury is one which does not merely waste time but also detracts from one's natural path of growth. I believe "sexual growth" is something men & women want to exist, to say that's something they're working on improving.

However, it usually means they're willing to sleep with strangers to experience the sacred so they can be ready for the one they spend the rest of their life with.

Feel the hubris in the air?

Now - what's the point of marriage if the sacred becomes the common, regular experience? I'm not sure I can follow that line of reasoning - having sex to be ready for the thing that was meant to be sacred to begin with?

One cannot allow all sorts of hands to fondle them and then think they're ready to experience the sacredness of actual marriage. Men think they're not the flower but I reckon men can exploit their own sacredness just as women do.

If we are to believe we are readying ourself for a long-term relationship by letting ourself be (consenually) fondled by strangers over the course of our life, is that really preparing us to settle down, or is that setting ourself up to fall to other desires when we finally get that person we want?

Insatiable

Someone who lives without boundaries is one whose desire cannot be satiated. Having what one wants, whenever one demands it makes for a spoiled person. Waiting is what builds character, yet still - I look at pornography, so who am I to preach in favor of celibacy?

Another idea is to become impermeable to the detriment of my own principles. For example: Building character requires a certain level of attempting to become something apart from what we already are.

If I am spending any time not working on consciously altering my sense of sexuality, then I might as well not be trying to change it at all. I might as well be attempting to lay with whomever I choose.

It's a long road to become impermeable to:

  • What women want
  • What I want
  • Being seen as one who wants
  • Detriment of one's development

Absence negates learning

It then seems right to avoid temptation altogether, but all that does is cause a temporary vacancy rather than an altering of conscious perception toward a thing.

I tend to think in the absence of a task intended to demand virtue & principle is counterintuitive to overcoming the thing; we need temptation to test our ability to overcome it, right? I dunno. I'm not sure I can follow my own reasoning here.

There was another article I wrote a bit on "vagrancy of mind," but I forgot what I was referring to.

It's then not an absence of a thing which allows us to overcome it, but it is the conscious effort to intuitively alter the perception of a thing.

His definition apart from my own

What is "just a woman?"

  • Maternity
  • Nurturing
  • Bearing new life

He used the word "analogically" as in he sees women along the lines of mothers, sisters, and daughters. Analogical is a comparison of (similar) things, apparently.

Paying for my Father's sins

Seeing that this gentleman views women tends to remind me of how often my own Father's sense of inappropriate, distorted sense of sexuality was developed under the known abuses of a hateful family. I think he hated women due being the youngest boy of three sisters as well as abusive parents.

Surely the universe had dealt enough damage to my Father's lineage.

I shant disregard my own responsibility, handling my own sense of sexuality, but there is a place from which we all came. My Brother seems to have gotten my Father's temper. The apples fall in different directions, but never too far from the tree.

So perhaps I associate women with sexuality more.

My friend does this too.

He talks refers to the analogy of checking out women as using different lenses and equates only checking out women as a sexual being as one who walks through life using only binoculars. He says using binoculars for everything means one shall trip & stumble over everything along his way.

He says, "Don't use binoculars unless you're bird watching."

It is then to go without saying if one is *always* bird watching, perhaps one should switch from binoculars to a monocle to respect women rather than besmirch (found on relatedwords.org from root word "demean") them with a narrowsightedness of intently focusing on their body.

This is an undoing of 17 years of pleasure-seeking and pornography.

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Fenix Mind Dumps
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